maybe we shouldnt want halting machines

when they found, your body; giant x's on your eyes. with your half of the ransom, you bought some sweet, sweet, sweet... sweet sunflowers. and gave them, to the night.

"what if there is no tomorrow? there wasnt one today."

i think we should plant lots of trees on top of every building. i think that would look neat. i suppose itd be difficult, with having to place a lot of dirt up there and maybe it wouldnt be easy to keep the trees healthy and surviving... but you could certainly design around the needs and plan for such a setup in future buildings. it would be pleasing.

it seems to me that three-symbol turing machines should be reducible to two-symbol turing machines, right? so why do the busy beaver programs not having similar limits?

also, how many n-symbol, m-state machines are there for a given (n,m)? and what portion of (n,m) machines halt? it suddenly makes me think of something i wrote as "multidimensional permutations/combinations". ill have to think more about what that might mean before i declare it stupid.

i recently found out that Maxwell originally derived his equations through his knowledge of fluid mechanics, which i find very interesting, especially since fluids have some major hurdles to overcome still, such as turbulence (Werner Heisenberg was asked what he would ask God, given the opportunity. His reply was: "When I meet God, I am going to ask him two questions: Why relativity? And why turbulence? I really believe he will have an answer for the first.")

in a similar vein, superconducting has been piquing my interest lately, and i wonder what sort of parallels it has with superfluidty.

so that slow sort of learning, that occurs over a long period of time... there is no good word to describe it, the best i can do is to say it is the antonym of an ephiphany, in some sense. no matter: ive experienced it once again. this time it was in relation to my struggle to be a strict physicalist (which i really always have been) and to still value the universe, or more specifically, life, and even more so humans. as usual, the solution wasnt really any solution at all, just plain acceptance that the only reason there was a problem was because i conceived of one. that seems to happen a lot more often than you (or more i) would expect.

if i am ever homeless i want to wear a really dirty santa costume. time for art. the title of this entry is a message in hiding; concealed. i wonder if i will be able to look back and remember its meaning?

i need pressure! more pressure! i think it would help if i thought i were competing; for girls, for school, for life. yeah, that might motivate me? maybe?

Karen Owens wrote:
can omniscient god, who
knows the futures, find
the omnipotence to
change his future mind?

"There are a number of different alethic modalities: logical possibility is, perhaps, the weakest, since almost anything intelligible is logically possible: Possibly, pigs can fly, Elvis is still alive, and the atomic theory of matter is false.
Likewise, almost nothing is logically impossible: something logically impossible is called a contradiction or a logical falsehood. It is possible that Elvis is alive; but it is impossible that Elvis is alive and is not alive." so apparently someone, (probably a long time ago) realized that to be omniscient and omnipotent doesnt really make sense.
Thus it is possible that Jones was murdered if and only if it is not necessary that Jones was not murdered.

firing squads are so we can both sleep well at night. so we can both tell ourselves "it wasnt me". but that doesnt work, it doesnt work.


promise to be kind

the eighth
mistake of the week. mistake of the weak? some informations flow faster than others. its a light youre after, cause light moves faster. human beings will do great things in my lifetime, and mostly, no one will understand them.

there should be no hesitation when the coast is clear. isnt that funny, the phrase, "the coast is clear" does it stem from beach invasion?

the nipples of mother hope have run dry

the ninth
Which foot is ugliest: the ugly one or the ugly one missing an ugly toe? Who is bigger, mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? (The baby, 'cause it's a little Bigger). two different explanations of the same thing, if valid, are the same thing, not different.

this is good: he says it well.

what other standards can we use? the world is a good place, and worth fighting for... i agree with the second part. can something be not a good place, but worth fighting for? yes. but hell comes to mind. is hell worth fighting for?

without his knowledge links to deception.

'i always lie' --- if it is true then it is false.

twelth...oh wait, thats now!
what sort of relationship can i construct between information and energy? the two must be related... entropy seems to relate them in some sense. the computer scientists seem to have a very good grasp on information, it makes me wonder what sort of insights it could provide to the physicists.

i just got the advice to 'fill every beat with something'.

so bizarre, i really enjoy learning this complex variables stuff, but i dont want to study at all. even though once i start i enjoy it.

"i cant understand why, you refuse my one request; just to press against my weaponry, and then lay bare your chest." mirah, i cant get you of my head; dont misunderstand me, im not complaining.

so what wines go with say... microwave chicken? how about microwaved chicken pot pies? what sort of wine would you say goes with cheerios in milk? how about peanut butter and jelly? wouldnt it be funny to see a wine connoisseur beat me up? i think thatd be funny.

so i was out of my mind a bit for a day there. thank you to anyone who helped correct me. now—im okay—how are you?—thanks for asking thanks for asking—i hope youre okay too.

there is a way there is a way


Now I spend my time listening.

plus... im illiterate

make a lot of fucking noise.
there will be no apologies.

id rather write love notes. I WOULD RATHER WRITE LOVE NOTES. somehow people mistakenly correlate 'intelligence' (whatever that means) with infallibility. --- sentenced to death --- "start with a strong and persistent desire" --- lets take a ride, starfire tonight. ten thousand miles away. --- nobody dreamed youd save the world. --- look for heat and --- it is fixed. it is not fixed. --- ive not been sentenced to death have i?

is the phrase 'they are not the same' equivalent to 'they are different'?

The Bishop says "I'm afraid you've got a bad egg, Mr Jones". Apparently trying to avoid offence the curate replies, "Oh, no, my Lord, I assure you that parts of it are excellent!"

subject: tom dickson and safety
email: http://commercial.blendtec.com/contact.aspx
message: although i am not seriously worried about this, i figured tom dickson might take caution from this short clip:
although the construction of the blender might be such that he is not concerned with any sort similar failures, i did notice that with the hockey pucks, the blender appeared slightly more difficult to control than many of the other items. perhaps he has already taken the necessary precautions, if this email encourages him to take further precautions, i shall not have lived in vain.
thank you,


what syndrome is this: 'the love of everything' ?

http://feareverything.com/ : Now I spend my time listening.
Philippians 2:12: "...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling."

i need to write an antonym of "fear of everything" = love of everything?

if we can look at the clouds just right, from both manchester and keene, we can figure out where they are; where they shade the world; how high they are. it could be sweet. how many people can lay claim to knowing where the clouds are?

what sort of things are mysterious to you? other than me. i can explain things, i cant explain myself. i traded my soul for the ability to understand the physical universe. it probably wasnt worth it.


off then on. OFFTHENON!

am i out of touch with reality? i kind of feel like it... i dont know though. how could one self-assess such a quality?

'since forever'

"Markov's inequality leads immediately to the third most useful fact in theoretical computer science, called the Chernoff bound. The Chernoff bound says that if you flip a coin 1,000 times, and you get heads 900 times, then chances are the coin was crooked. This is the theorem that casino managers implicitly use when they decide whether to send goons to break someone's legs."

i know youre upset, maybe youd feel better after we had some dirty sex.

according to my string cheese, it takes one week to make a jelly bean. i must confess: ive been selecting my string cheese based on the questions it gives me. ive even been cheating and reading the questions without opening the cheese. i can only eat so much of that crap, you know?


i think one of the most very basic differences in human opinion is the belief that people are inherently good or evil, or neither. i personal tend to believe the good aspect, i think thats what ultimately places me in the optimistic category, even if im not always an optimist. but i feel like many people who's opinions are greatly different than mine are often due to their disagreement on that very basic point. which is fine, i just find it a bit strange, as if maybe we should reduce many different debates all to this one more fundamental one.

where is my cure for this disease?

i can read you like a book. it may be a book about a subject i dont understand. and it may be written in a language i dont know, and encoded with unbreakable encryption, but that book was published and is now collecting dust on my shelf. no wait, i dont want you collecting dust on my shelf (i dont even have shelves).

"you know what hurts the most is the, the lack of respect, you know? thats what hurts the most. except for the, except for the other thing. that hurts the most. but the lack of respect, hurts the second most."

im gonna go stand over there.


you may need a murderer

"one more thing before i go, one more thing ill ask you lord: you may need a murderer, someone to do your dirty work. dont act so innocent, ive seen you pound your fist into the earth, and ive read your books. seems that you could use another fool, well im cool, and i look right through. you must have more important things to do. so if you need a murderer, someone to do your dirty work."

pouring rain yesterday morning was beautiful. a girl on the phone this morning was even more so. the songs, the feelings, the music, the rain, the temperature; a warm wind blowing through a cold window. the streets and lights and flashers... the police lights are so beautiful. i might not yet be human, but i have the potential, and i promise if i wake up human one day, that ill still be me. or at least i hope that i can be both myself and human at the same time. some day, ill show you. ill show someone. some day.

so if i can find a quick way to take a given string, and find a cellular automaton, or some other simple program, that will generate it, then i can prove P=NP. but P almost certainly does not equal NP, so how do we prove that? thats the million dollar question. it seems that the world is np-complete.

bijective is a great word.

"Look, this question of whether P=NP, what can I say? People like to describe it as "probably the central unsolved problem of theoretical computer science." That's a comical understatement. P vs. NP is one of the deepest questions that human beings have ever asked." ----- "(Leonid Levin told me that Feynman -- the king (or maybe court jester) of physicist-intuition -- had trouble even being convinced that P vs. NP was an open problem!)" - Scott Aaronson

"these drugs arent mine! im merely helping someone close to me overcome a drug problem, so i had to take them away, and then i had to drive down the highway as fast as i could to get away from him, but its impossible to get away from him, because that someone is me."

"call me a sexual predator, but when i think of predators i think of lions, tigers, big cats, sharks. this isnt so much a predator versus prey relationship. this isnt a scavenger a vulture or a laughing hyena versus a carcass. this isnt a parasite versus a host. we're all miserable together. its the opposite of a victimless crime."

i want to write a probability paper on russian roulette. that could be quite comical.

our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.

i just realized [several hours ago] wikipedia removes the clout of a doctorate, and places credibility in the hands of those who can argue their point well.

i want to get lost. i want to appreciate you all year long.
now you should say something.

ps — so if you need a murderer...


we will WHISPER instead of YELLING(!)

i know enough to understand that someone knows way more than i do.
i thought it was a creative pressure valve, but its more like a dump valve.
does it make any sense to say i am starving, but have no appetite?

i dreamed i was playing tag. freeze tag. and tom was there. and i panicked when four or so guys were teaming up to chase me down, so i froze, and when the two guys closest missed, i still stood there. then i gasped for breath, just a little, and woke up.

as i decend back into the woodwork she patiently waits to be released from the marble.

"i do not wear panties, i have never worn panties, but if called upon, panties i will wear. big white house, or small delicate european briefs."

i should get a job so i can buy things to own stuff.

the immediate sensation i receive from touching my fingers to running water is indistinguishably either hot or cold. unexpected that is.

i gone done and did it.

"but i found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. before that, i never realized how much I sought other people's approval. once i figured that out, i was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings." -Demetri Martin

attention is not recognition. thats important, to remember. i should be more comfortable with recognition than with attention. but i view nearly everything as being unimpressive anyway.


using differential equations to understand people

k is for countertransference

ha, so i just saw a book titled, "everything you know about sex is wrong" but since i dont really know anything about sex i dont see how that could possibly be true.

WE MUST RETHINK OUR LOGIC, RETHINK OUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE UNIVERSE. it must be developed off of the base of truths we have learned through quantum probing. for instance, the uncertainty principle should be understood to be the correct working of things, NOT the classical concept of theoretically infinitely precise instruments. i intend to understand this better than anyone you will ever meet.

the ß is actually a ligature, used in german still, it represents 'long s over short s', long s ( ∫ )has disappeared from german however.

yeah, im really smart, but only because people have defined smart in a way that gives me an advantage. to be honest, im probably more stupid than most people. thats how cynthia could call me both the smartest and dumbest person she ever met.

hmmm, i seem to be drinking a lot of water recently. maybe ive got a leak somewhere. or maybe im retaining water! oh my god im pregnant!

i just got the advice to "use cliches" which is probably really good advice for me.

dear Miss Potassium Carbonate: what do i do? the gourd is dying!, right before my eyes!. it is a sadness i cannot bare.

i have described this to many people, but never so clearly: "ketamine acts by blocking the receptor for the neurotransmitter glutamate. glutamate is released in abundance when brain cells die, and if it weren't blocked, the glutamate overload would cause other brain cells to die as well. in the presence of excess glutamate, the brain releases its own glutamate receptor blocker to defend itself; and it is these blockers dr. jansen (amongst others) hypothesize as the cause of many [near death experiences]."

how is it that we speak of the 'age of the universe' when time itself is known to be so highly dependent on the frame of reference? could that be used to explain inflation?

"do they experience love? they have those symptoms." did you consciously choose your beliefs? do people with beliefs, normally have reasons? why do people believe in god?

is love the last belief i can have?
interesting question, can i be comfortable being in love, and enjoying love, and valuing... love, while still being very aware of its illusionary status? or maybe clearer: while still feeling very confident that love is merely an evolutionary illusion.
is it possible to believe in something, and value it, while still feeling, in fact believing, that it might as well be factually false, that the something you believe in is simply non-existant? i am uncomfortable with my beliefs! i downright want to believe in love, and i enjoy it, and... to some degree, perhaps not as much as i would like, or need to, i trust love. but i am confident, to a degree most would call 'knowledge', that love is just an illusion. how bizarre.

people sometimes blame science for suffering. they seem to interpret the application of scientific knowledge in the creation of weapons technology as being the result, or even possibly the direct intention of scientific investigation. but it isnt. and i would like to point out, you never hear of scientists blowing themselves up. getting in gun fights. taking over buildings, countries, governments. you never hear scientists promote violence for scientific reasons. scientists are people, and so they may do the horrible things people do. but as scientists, they are solely concerned with science (or should be), and they have no place for politics or beliefs as silly as religion.

if you love someone, you should be willing to allow them to travel 26 light years distant. and if they come back to you, then i clearly dont understand physics yet (unless you just age an extra fifty years). although i already knew that i suppose.

im acting like a... hysterical person.

hysterically happy
hysterically sad
hysterically afraid
plagued by a sense of curiosity.


k is for Counterfeit; k is not for Counterfeit

what i am i am not.

fee mail-box?
meanings change so quick.

ask yourself if you are happy and you cease to be so.

"did you know that you actually have to burp babies? its not an option." –Kevin Seymour

these ducks dont understand fluid dynamics.

DO NOT get caught up in concerns. instead, get entertained by the process.

i wonder if my search for information and answers is equivalent to those people who spend a long time searching for god, or answers to lifes questions.

unfortunately, i do not have the pleasure of choosing what i ignore. but there was a time in which i felt confident that i could convince myself of anything. that should be useful.

more elaborate designs will not save you. YOU MUST KEEP MOVING! YOU MUSTNT STOP! NOTHING STOPS MOVING! NOTHING STOPS. orbits only work because of motion. i wouldnt want to crash now would i? i got paranoid. this paranoid state of mind demands too much blood; it strains an already stressed heart.

today [11·18·06] in the car on the way home from boston, i saw the biggest X ive ever seen.
"im very attracted to you; and no, im not calling you fat." and i dont just dont just mean dont just mean physically. as superficial as can be, id still be happy blind. blindly happy. happy in thought. happy in ideas. ecstatic for concept; ecstatic for souls. and i dont usually let myself be so certain.

"I shall be as little vague as I know how to be if I am to employ the English language"
–Bertrand Russell
i wonder, does it appear that the uncertainty principle has something in common with relativistic lack of simultaneity? i think ive wondered that before, but now i ask as Russell speaks of vagueness and precision in reality versus words. it interests me again.

and now, for once, something of value:

i wish i could write Music in Words. whole Orchestrated pieces. and emotions and states of mind and feelings. everything to be human. i feel scarcly human.

my mom asked me if i believe love exists, and i changed the subject. she asked me if i believed in love, and i changed the subject; its not that i dont believe in love. im not really sure what that means even. but i am comfortable saying: i look at what people seem to indicate love is, and i believe that it is something i feel very strongly; i hope i am finding ways to express that.

i told my mom last night that i am a strict physicalist. i told her i define existence as something you could place in a box of finite size, with some reasonably definite location.
she asked me if i believe love exists, and i changed the subject.

i need to talk to people much smarter than myself about this. its the only way for me to ever know what i think.


so ill have to stop that.

a boy who loves everybody
meets a girl who everybody loves

im peeling my eyes, and i will keep them that way.
i am far too good at following directions. i hold them too highly.

these terms all seem to be from game theory. i like them all:
fictitious play
best response
reinforcement learning
zero sum
absorbing states
the multi-armed bandit (also the k-armed bandit)
---(why k? because K is for COUNTER)
common bandit strategies
semi-uniform strategies
ah ha! the stag hunt, also known as the assurance game, coordination game, and trust dilemma. this game describes my reasoning for trusting people, and caring for human kind, to some degree. it is an important analogy for social cooperation, they say.

in dynamical systems an attractor is a set to which the system evolves after a long enough time.
absorbing state redirected me to attractor.
solution concept
---where the conditions are met
pure strategy

"perpetual sunshine" to put on a t-shirt for radithor. and on the back of the shirt will be an ad for the prostate warmer.

there is nothing we can do
the needs of the many
the needs of the few.

"the weight of the blue one.
"satisfying to pick up.
"satisfying to look at.
"all around satisfying tile.
show me your tiles.

so then i write, right here near the bottom, that ive expressed once again, nothing of value; nothing of use. except maybe this. yes, this statement is clear. honest. expressive. but ultimately a copout. maybe next time.

loving everyone isnt much different than loving no one.


peculiar habits of humility

"if you come up with an insolvable problem, you ignore it and hope it goes away." -Dr Abernathy

i believe, now, that it is the propogation of the misconception that we actually understand what is going on classically, that hangs people up in the acceptance of quantum mechanics. we never really knew what was going on, we just had crude approximations that fit reasonably well with our very crude senses and measures.

my candy corn actually has printed on it "made in mexico". i just got the advice: "courage!" monstrous things. how many days would corey's (or mine) door have to stay shut before one of us opened it to check the other was still alive? insanely rational? rationally insane? i love to picture your grin. i love to picture your smirk. produced her in black and white.

bernard called me: "betrayer of the nocturnal people."

the superconducting supercollider. physicists need to find some new adjectives.
the fish is always the last to notice the water.
we are not monsters, but we are thoroughly extremist in our demonstration.

apache chief died. sadly, this is about the extent of my commemorations for him.

by the seat of my pants. i think i may have fallen in.... is that okay? i am afraid. i got paranoid for a moment, but that moment has passed. i dont know what comes next. this world is new to me. remember to breathe!

i think the terms 'right' and 'wrong' are very damaging to people. children especially. i think my life is severely crippled by my concepts of right and wrong.

and so when she asks me, "what are you waiting for?": instant panic. suddenly the question falls out of focus, i am certain it either means, 'what is the object which motivates your patience? ' or 'what is the condition/signal that will allow you to proceed?'. either way its not what she meant, and it wasnt even important, but i cant let my head break that much. everett mentioned charlie. i must take caution to not become charlie.

physics is all about forces of attraction and repulsion. about the balance and struggle of opposing forces.
it is so lonely to think: nothing can ever touch anything else.
it is so lonely to think; nothing can ever touch anything else.


practice with coach

new favorite phrases:
naive decision theory!
all rational players will play defect
common knowledge (logic)
fictitious play.
ambiguity aversion.

i cannot foresee a situation in which i would not enjoy a phone call from a Miss. or, stated without negations: within my imagination, all situations for which i have so far foreseen result in enjoyment when perchance a phone call is received from a Miss. (Miss potassium carbonate that is).

it is interesting how the levels of negation the english language has developed are not the same as the levels of negation in basic arithmetic. for instance, to say: 'i cannot think of a situation in which i would not enjoy your company' is not the same as 'i can think of a situation in which i would enjoy your company'. just because i 'cancelled' the negations does not imply equivalency. although it has been a long time since i have studied formal logic, and perhaps i am translating the statments incorrectly.

this is not the end of the world; this is only a test.

i just had another epiphany! which, since its the second time today, probably implies that something is wrong with the part of my brain that determines the value of a thought or new idea.
this idea was about how electricity and water are often compared closely by analogy, to help one be understood through the other. the main difference seems to be that electricity can induce a magnetic field that influences the flow of electricity, as where water has no analogous attribute. i wonder if electricity has anything analogous to the highly influential attribute of turbulence in water.
it seems that insights into one may provide insights into the other. hence the theory of either phenomena must not be too far behind or ahead of the other phenomena.

too cold if you do that.

"Science alone of all the subjects contains within itself the lesson of the danger of belief in the infallibility of the greatest teachers of the preceding generation." –Richard Feynman

so first i was thinking about how the concept of a photon, to me, does not seem all that difficult to explain, in terms of not being in the atom before emission. and i wonder if it is due to the familiarity of concepts such as sound waves and lasers and focused sound waves and laser pulses, which make it very clear to me that you can have a small little 'particle' of something which does not really exist, in the sense that a basketball or a ferrari exist. second, i was just thinking about feynmans definition of science, about evolution and the rate at which individuals learning influenced our collective knowledge and so on, and i realized it makes an excellent argument for social cooperation, for trusting and respecting others, strangers and all. it makes excellent arguments for peace and teamwork and all sorts of basic things i think everyone should know.

i said, "kiss me, youre beautiful. these are truly the last days"

says im good. its cause i have such an excellent coach to pracitce with. maybe practice isnt the right word. it implies a sense of temporariness, it implies too little significance, it implies nothing of the value i hold for it.
said girls fall in love faster than boys.

i guess the problem of me has become this: i cannot express myself in any way that feels too typical. and so the typical expressions seen by people, expressions of emotions or feelings, desires and dreams, wants and needs, are omitted. and it makes me feel not human. which attracts attention sometimes. and it fails to express the human things that humans want that humans need. it does not communicate me well. i must stop it.


i might risk seeming so typcial!

it is raining, but i dont believe it is.

"is there any risk of... brain damage?"
"well, uh, technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage, but its on par with a night of heavy drinking. nothing youll miss."

"Two people, equally rich, meet to compare the contents of their wallets. Each is ignorant of the contents of the two wallets. The game is as follows: whoever has the least money receives the contents of the wallet of the other (in the case where the amounts are equal, nothing happens). One of the two men can reason: "Suppose that I have the amount A in my wallet. That's the maximum that I could lose. If I win (probability 0.5), the amount that I'll have in my possession at the end of the game will be more than 2A. Therefore the game is favourable to me." The other man can reason in exactly the same way. In fact, by symmetry, the game is fair. Where is the mistake in the reasoning of each man?" the two envelope problem. and here.

we each both have created our own catch 22s.

what i do is i pay a friend, to, "sometime in the next month, either set my watch forward by ten minutes or do not". and until i get a quick comparison between my watch and another clock i can assume it is ahead, although i do not know for certain. and so if i accidentally realize it is or is not ahead by ten minutes, i then pay another friend to again, either set it correctly or not, within ten minutes sometime within one month. without my knowledge of course. this keeps me on my toes at all times with respect to scheduling.

neutrino, from the italian for, "little tiny neutral one" as opposed to neutrone or "great big neutral one". thats me, neutrone. cause im HUGE.

if truth does not exist, the statement "truth does not exist" is a truth, thereby proving itself incorrect.

there is a chance you should be panicking.
(if you do happen to read this, that is not directed at you Miss!)
i want to be like steve when i throw up.

unnecessarily tough. thats me. -allison

"consider the dilemma of the young lady, for instance, who feels impelled to make known to the world at large the superlative properties of her sub-laryngeal area. the fact that she does so is a tribute to her efforts to make america beautiful, for it has its drawbacks. it is 8 a.m. of a brisk spring morning and the temperature is 40°F, at the bus stop. in her eagerness to brighten the day, she has displayed a stretch of her chest to the elements.
now do you suppose she wants to catch cold? do you think she intends to come down with an attack of virulent goose-pimples that may (just barely may) fester? no, she is merely following the golden rule which, in case you have forgotten, goes, as nearly as i can recall it: do unto others as others would like to have you do unto them."
-Dr. A, from "the sensuous dirty old man"

hold first chopstick in original position move the second one up and down Now you can pick up anything.

when we play dumb together, im outta youre league!


get out of your mind

last night, which was really this morning, i talked to Allison and unknowingly witnessed the peak of the orionid meteor shower. it was very pleasing, except that i was repeatedly forced to find new wishes to wish for. i suppose that implies there isnt a whole lot in my life i desire changed. there are a few things, i would say, i desire changed. but i suppose i do not believe that any of them can be solved with wishes. which provokes the question, is there anything i feel can be changed with a wish? and i suppose i would have to answer no.

ben knows all.

she and i both seem torn in contradictions. although i cannot say (and should not speak) for her. although i do get the impression that she is plagued by guilt, which is a trouble i have not experienced in a long time. im not sure how i have escaped it. dammit, i havent finished my physics exam... i should have done that. instead i did not.

"i hope you will understand that the distance between us is not as great as it seems."

It is postulated that the new policies the army had adopted after WWII combined with the psychologically demanding guerilla-style warfare used by the Vietnamese were responsible for wearing away the brain's ability to recognize good from bad, pain from reward, and other basic psychological distinctions.

calm down, im gonna hold your hand.


the butterfly catastrophe: V=x^6+ax^4+bx^3+cx^2+dx

we were just hanging out on campus, we meet this old friend of his brothers, and we end up in the athletic field. next thing we know, hes lighting off fireworks.

how weird, my awkward dedication to avoiding the commonplace has prevented me from expressing myself.

phrases ive recently enjoyed:
breathe more deeply
graceful degradation
fault tolerant
study its habits
"so much time to question oneself is not good"
"extracting semantics from syntax."
in god we trust; everybody else pays cash.
propagation of uncertainty!
the length of an object is determined by measuring both ends of it simultaneously.
‘swamped by the noise’
"its just another fools pleasure."

the idea of the dali lama is very interesting... an entire culture all devoted to the education and well-being of a single individual. i wonder what the consequences would be if all children could experience such a concern for their well-being.

The first brain image of a person with psychosis was completed as far back as 1935 using a technique called pneumoencephalography (a painful and now obsolete procedure where cerebrospinal fluid is drained from around the brain and replaced with air to allow the structure of the brain to show up more clearly on an X-ray picture).

if you could go back in time to help yourself out, what would you do?


verse chorus verse

did i miss the rain by a minute or a building?

consider the word unhappier. one could analyze this word as the prefix un- added to the adjective happier:
but this would mean "not more happy", when the word really means "more not happy". A semantic correct bracketing:
however violates the morphophonological rules for the suffix -er.

how about the human mind and games like go for being good solutions to the np problems? could the structure of bubbles be a probabilistic solution to the STP problem?

i try to avoid admitting to things i do/say/think/like/have/want/etc in situations which i feel could be misinterpreted as me trying to impress, which i tend to think many such situations could be so misinterpreted. for instance, a girl i am attracted to says she likes some band that i love, so i respond with, thats cool, or yeah, neat, but not, oh, i love them too! because it seems so cliche! so easily thought of as deceitful! these days even the road less travelled is a twelve lane superhighway. cliches cycle backwards to being novelties, and originality is borderline mentally ill. but maybe its always been. or maybe i have no idea what im talking about or thinking. but probably some weighted combination.

gone to the zoo to flick off the monkeys.

what is the difference between "reduced anxiety" and "impaired judgement"? how dependent is the categorization on what you feel are publicly acceptable moral standards? how depressing is that? that you might play reduced inhibitions down as impaired judgement, just because it is not socially acceptable to admit that it was a decrease in anxiety or an increase in comfort that resulted in your frowned upon behavior. me, i hope i never confuse the two.

have the courage to say something.

someone should probably stab me.
boy decide

do something sudden, destructive, and unpredictable.

could it really go so quickly wrong?
i am the antonym of talent.

ive been coining meaningless yet deep sounding phrases lately:
i am not your crutch, i am your noose.
you are not my savior, you are my martyr.
if masturbation were a job, id be on overtime
i wouldnt be a full time employee, but id make a decent living.

symptoms of overdose of metharbital include confusion, decrease in or loss of reflexes, somnolence, pyrexia, irritability, hypothermia, poor judgment, shortness of breath or slow/troubled breathing, slow heartbeat, slurred speech, staggering, trouble in sleeping, unusual movements of the eyes, weakness
symptoms of overdose include WEAKNESS.

isnt it bizarre how laid back i can be, yet at the same time, how uptight and neurotic i can be?

1. [[nuclear] [[physic(s)][-ist]]] - one who studies physics, and who happens also to be nuclear
2. [[[nuclear] [physics(s)]][-ist]] - one who studies nuclear physics, a subfield of physics that deals with nuclear phenomena

this disappearing act damages my nerves; i have never been one for "magic".
it is true; i am a liar.

is it like a bad dream? where you cant get to where you are going? six more days at the bottom of the ocean.

nothing interests me more;
i would love to turn you on.


the fortune cookie couldnt be more wrong.

brainstorming responses to the slanderous question, "when did you stop beating your wife?"
"when the kids got old enough to beat her."
"when i started beating your wife."
"when she said the codeword."

i might now be drowning in excess notes and paper and ideas. like my thought processes are decaying towards white noise. but that isnt true. im sharper than ever in classes like modern physics, physical chemistry, and complex variables, which are supposed to be three of the most challenging classes i will have ever taken at keene.

in a bizarre habit of humility, i nearly always type my name with lowercase letters.
the word or phrase that best describes you? "aesthetically pleasing"
the word of phrase that best describes me? "salacious. lecherous. vile."
something esoteric. i dont even know what esoteric means! which has a funny connotation to it.
the best i can figure is that i have a fear of being too needy. so i overcompensate, and then become afraid that i will appear too distant. oddly enough, i dont have any expectations of other people, so i dont ever think that other people are too needy or distant, but maybe thats just cause im in my own world.

i just read part of an old paper claiming to prove P=NP by way of nature's ability to solve an NP-complete problem with bubbles. then i read some posts about how it doesnt always work, which makes me wonder if it could be viewed as a probabilistic algorithm. also i began wondering about the human mind and games like go for being good solutions to the np-complete problems? i dont know what it would mean if the "bubble algorithm" were a probablistic algorithm anyway, somehow i dont think that would really imply P=NP.

you can trick me, but not as convincingly as i (often) trick myself. long story short. plea bargain. considerable damage. this is life at face value. its like a bad dream where you cant get to where youre going. i am subtle but not malicious. both of which are the opposite of how i would prefer to be.

"leave the house before you find something worth staying in for."
and "its easier to get forgiveness than permission."

waiting for the punch line. please expedite action. take it personally. follow the leader. fine and dandy? glad to know you.

ask dick about classifying functions according to the periodicity with respect to the differential operator.
ask dr wolf about his mathematically frowned upon tricks.

what is it that i really want? what is it that other people want? i think i should know what i want. i could at the very least place lower bounds on my desires.

my favorite color of noise is brown, or maybe grey. i cant decide. even pink perhaps.


when you are alive, i get caught up in knots, and i miss everything important.

whenever you have friends drive you to the bank, you should say, "leave it running"

these are notes from the margins of complex variables:
"there will still be a gap between what is and what ought to be" - Clinton
everything = nothing
always remember that the difference between you and me is very very small.
never, EVER assume that you understand what i am saying. you probably shouldnt even assume that i know what i am saying.
i like to round up, so i truncate accordingly.
i know a lot, but i am a very slow thinker. i compensate by thinking all the time.
socks and coathangers on their own appear to lack conservation laws. however, perhaps together their sum is conserved.
faulty hair folical
ways to get A's – cold hard cash
information literacy.
it seems that the large majority of human progress has been an organizing, communicating, specifying, and reorganizing of our collection of knowledge.
a very useful attricbute to teach a child would be enjoying the process of reading.
build a homopolar motor in physics!
"thats why god invented calculators" - Dick
k is for counter
k is for kounter?
dump truck function.

i have a fear of appearing too attached. and also a fear appearing too distant. i feel confident that i somehow come across as both. she really liked me last week. maybe she'll like me again next week. my head causes more trouble than it is worth, not quite. off with his head!

when you are alive, i am caught up in knots, and i miss everything important. but that makes me want to be alive too, except i am too well netted; too scrambled, two overeasy. i put all my eggs in one basket after taking out an unreasonably large insurance policy on said eggs. but dont fret, im not counting on you to break them. (i bet i say that to all the girls).


to the teeth

everything in our universe must obey the conservation laws of energy.

im trying to do my part to end the hospitable environment earth currently offers.
"youre not supposed to count your chickens before they come out of the eggs."

a completely powerful will would be a mysterious thing. for instance, i have much self control, however i cannot change my beliefs at will. they are beliefs due to something deeper, it would seem something based on reason. but an all-powerful will would have the ability to abandon and alter beliefs at whim.

i am superficially deep. you are your own enemy and you dont even know it. calm down im gonna hold your hand.

"ive never seen so many dead hookers in all my life!
-lord knows i have..."

you dont really want to know how i figured out that detonating cord explosives can be used to tenderize meat.

dr Wolf once told me, "on the planes of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions, who at the dawn of victory sat down to wait, and while waiting died." but i didnt catch who he said said it.

i love how you breathe smoke, and you hold in your sneezes. and you love everybody.

youd have to be crazy to think that world peace was a respectable goal. to think that decent wages for decency's sake could ever happen. youd have to be insane to make idealized dreams your ultimate goal in world change, right?
the fish are always the last to notice the water.


in my spare time i enjoy blowing goodbye kisses to strangers in airports and placing ambiguously addressed love letters in public places

i just got the advice to "question the heroic", and i thought, ive already done that.
"only break one law at a time" - Ian K. Sullivan
"...of all the things to come true..." -Allison
i want to begin reading the greats; Riemann, Bohr, Gauss, Gottlob Frege...
the formula is proven here!
the concept that the number system was 'created' eludes me. beyond the fact that it is convention, and generated from our own minds, there is also the fact that it is what it is, independent of creation. it could be created no other way.
remember that idea to build a parabolic mirror building to burn your neighbor/competitor? remember that idea!
love obeys no conservation laws.
Feynman's advice to wolfram was "fall madly in love"
remember the idea for a forrest to cut itself down.

i suddenly want to become human. i want to receive mail and have a job and spend money and be normal.

i have all the negative effects of a methamphetamine users, without any of the benefits of doing meth... although ive never heard anyone say there was a benefit to doing meth.

embarrassed : me :: trees : the forest.

we are supposed to look for patterns on a broader scale. patterns of patterns. privilege escalation.
maybe akathisia too?
punding is the result of dopamine overactivity.


intractable dream

oh, what a mess.
insult: your mass to volume ratio is very high.
unless of course they take that to mean that they are muscular, which makes it not an insult.
i dont really like the idea of being a fan of anything.

"youre, alive! you curse, you sweat, you twitch, you have passion!"

i had some ideas tonight, with corey, about logic, and reality, and randomness. i am now having difficulty conceiving of something in reality that behaves illogically, and also something being truly random. although as usual, these ideas depend on the rigidity with which we define them. i am now thinking that as time has progressed, each successive physical theory has placed more and more strict bounds on the possiblity of randomness, and the possibility of illogical existence. ill have to remember this for the future.

"The use of a plutonium RTG battery resulted in minor demonstrations some days before launch by about 30 anti-nuclear protestors. The amount of radioactive plutonium in the RTG is 11 kg, about one-third the amount on-board the Cassini-Huygens probe when it launched in 1997. That launch was protested by over 300 people. The United States Department of Energy estimated the chances of a launch accident that would release radiation into the atmosphere at 1 in 350 and monitored the launch as it always does when RTGs are involved. It was believed that a worst-case scenario of total dispersal of on-board plutonium would spread the equivalent radiation of 80% the average annual dosage in North America from background radiation over an area with a radius of 65 miles (~110 km), with cleanup costing anywhere from $241 million - $1.2 billion USD per square mile."

the only thing i understand about this world is that i do not understand anything else about this world.


me : analogies :: mugger : knives

when i was little i looked at the sun. i had been told by a variety of people not to look at it, but they were so adamant about it that i began to think they were lying. that there was no sun there at all. but i was wrong, and now im blind. i hope.
i have been importing all my cds onto my computer, since i have the space to consoladate my music now, and i am approaching radiohead... and i suddenly have a strange fear, its a fear of falling into some sort of deep hole, from which it will take a long time to climb out of.
a little deeper.
i just got the advice to change the specific to the ambiguous.
i dont think you have to hit "bottom" to be an addict, you just have to be willing to take the next step. and there will always be a next step.
ive really enjoyed making silly analogies lately.
me : liar :: you : cheat
i would tear my hair out, but its too short and greasy, i cant grab hold.
you : dirt :: babies : nipples
i dont know the difference from right and wrong really, but i can tell im not right about anything ive done in a long time. and probably no one can really understand what i mean to say.
me : you :: garbage-man : trash - this is also the dumbest insult i have thought of in a long time.
i need you to swallow up the attention in the room.
because i cant stand the crowd. but i love watching you glow.
me : you :: existence : earth
i hope i dont live to see the day that jay-walking becomes a national pasttime.
analogies : me :: trauma : victim
to the panicked and paranoid: never be at peace.


sometimes its loud enough that i get to stop thinking.

i keep having an overwhelming feeling that our society oppresses us, and that since we are the maintainers of our society, that we are oppressing ourselves.

i found you in a lost and found.

there is a girl that always told me i would forget her. and boy was she wrong! in latin that would be nomen oblitum, for forgotten name. as opposed to nomen mudum which is naked name.

provably impossible for ordinary [computers] you.

multiplication : dimensions :: addition : ?

a certain romance

people say, "it makes you think" but nothing really makes anyone think. if you can find a way to force people to think, without wasting what they will think about, and without breaking any laws, then you could become a very wealthy person.

i think constrained, unconstrained yet forced, and unforced but personally chosen sleep deprivation have all benefitted me in the long run, oddly enough.

i just got the advice: use cliches. that might be a very good suggestion for me. i tend to abhor cliches to a detrimental point.

depressed over the confusing and inexplicable results of his experiments to determine whether light is a wave or a particle, thomas young performs one final double slit experiment, involving his wrists.

put your hand into your pants and tell me you love me.
wait, better, put my hand into your pants and tell me you love me.
wait wait wait, no, put your hand into my pants and tell me you love me.

i cant help myself! well, okay, thats not true. i could help myself, but i am tired of that. actually, to be honest, most frowned upon behavior is due to "helping oneself".

Tau protein, which in its soluble form is essential for communication and transport within brain cells, had become insoluble in some cells, causing nerve cell damage and death in selected areas of the brain. Other nerve cells showed an accumulation of the amyloid precursor protein, which suggests that protein transport had been disrupted and the nerve cell functions affected.

oh good, it is foggy, i can sleep now.


its not punk. its institute. its asylum.

once i have done something in principle, i tend to lose desire to do it in practice. i have no explanation of this, i simply have observed it repeatedly and in a variety of situations. you may call it empirical evidence.

could we divide the subject of philosophy into two categories: the study of formal logic and reason, and the study of the implications of logic and reason(?). i ask because the former is somewhat metamathematics, philosophers such as Russell and Frege seem to have dealt with it extensively, as where the latter is more impact on everyday life, it more seeks to answer questions of what and why, relative to the human position in reality. such speculation is very distinct from the philosophy of reason, i think.
from this perspective, it is the former concept which interests me, however it is the latter concept which allows me to distinguish between the two.

discussing these issues with Corey last night indicated to me that the argument is not fully developed. there is some fundamental difference between the probing of empirical science and the philosophy of everyday life.

asymmetry is interesting - it is the clue of where to look.

im not sure if ive mentioned the idea of a mathematical "map" to look at what is and isnt understood in mathematics, but last night there were some neat ideas between Corey and i: the concept of connectedness would be a huge benefit to studying these mathematical maps, with land and water and permanent dark spots!

although i still have no idea how one would go about constructing such a map, i have determined how to construct oddly simple versions, for instance, if we start with the axiom that logic is inconsistent, the map is entirely dark, except the axiom, since without logic we lack any tools to explore propositions within the landscape.

ill set them up, you knock them over.

if we start with the axiom that all statements are true, well, i guess that is kind of an odd idea, because it leads to logical contradictions very quickly.

if im not part of the solution, i figure i should be as big a part of the problem as possible.
we are all a little obsessive compulsive.

we also realized, if you took several of these maps, each with certain axioms flipped one way or another, and you compiled them into a book of maps, you would have a peculiar view of a mathematical atlas.

unrealized consanguinity

we need to seperate the idea of 'truth' from the idea of 'axiom'.

youd have logical islands and everything.
in science, these maps are begun with emperical evidence.

this might be one of the most intelligent things ive said in a long time: "so if you solve the Dirac equation for the 1s electrons on a mercury atom you discover that their relativistic mass is significantly greater than their rest mass, and that when this new mass is entered in the Bohr radius calculation, the 1s shell decreases in size significantly, which ultimately leads to the liquid nature of mercury in common temperatures"
im not fully able to explain it yet, for instance, i dont know why the bohr radius calculation is dependent on the mass of the electron, but thats okay. in time.

so the problem seems to be an inability for me to express myself to people. which is peculiar, because i tend to think i am reasonably good at explaining abstract concepts to people in general. but when it comes to myself, my feelings and thoughts, i tend to disguise them or just not express them to people. i dont know if its a protection issue or a legitimate disability.

"In the TV series Bewitched, Aunt Clara had a very impressive collection of doorknobs. She referred to an unusual glass doorknob in her collection as the doorknob equivalent of the Hope Diamond."

keith and i have been trying to measure the speed of light at work, but its not quite working, and i have run out of trouble shooting ideas, mostly.

i think of this journal as some sort of creative pressure valve.
hugs and kisses.


are you naked underneath this skin?

i can achieve such an air of neurosis as to cause others around me to second guess themselves.

ive been dealing with the infinite (or not really dealing with it, but seeking a way of dealing with it) while working with factoring numbers. i was at first looking for a way to describe how the average number of factors increases over time as the number increases. which somehow implies that there are f-curve type distributions for the set of all numbers with some factor equal to whatever number n. i didnt know, and still dont know, how to deal with that.

the riemann sphere i mentioned before, that was an excellent idea as to how to deal with this sort of problem.

"In English criminal law, intention is one of the types of mens rea (Latin for "guilty mind") that, when accompanied by an actus reus (Latin for "guilty act") constitutes a crime."

the possibilities are frighteningly numerous... at first i feel overwhelming terror, and i cannot imagine how we might go about solving this problem of how the very small scale works. then i remember that it is not that frightening, and that it is not that complex, and that we solve problems with many hours and many small increments.

consensual crime

as ive begun to learn some of the mathematical formalism to quantum physics, i have been repeatedly tempted to try explaining it in terms of physical analogies. but i am so aware of the historical difficulty of that, the notorious difficulty even, that i feel somewhat... self deceiving... with what sometimes feels to be progress in a physical description.

its like a bad dream where you cant get to where youre going.

i almost forgot, i went and saw doug stanhope last night, with matt, in worcester. i told him he is my last living hero. i want to try to get him to keene at some point. in some ways, i feel like he is my best hope for a revolution, whether personal or societal. its like he has a clear view through a lot of the nonsensical bullshit that seems to be mucking up the world. oddly enough, the only two other people i would have considered to be in that category are bill hicks and bertrand russell, which is an odd grouping.
also, at the show, a naked guy had a hilarious line of logic. he showed that not rape is murder, and even further, that if ladies are to avoid being murders, they should rape a burn victim today. wait, lemme look up his name... ah ha, andy o'fish. awesome. yeah, he would make an excellent logician. only not really, but itd be funny.

Bertrand Russell said: the whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

but what if the 'wiser' people only appear wiser because they hesitate to risk being wrong? and what if the 'fools' only appear to be fools because they are willing to be wrong? am i wise for considering this? or foolish for saying it? i am of course, just having fun.

the word that best describes me? salacious.

sincerely cynical


the blank spots are the important parts.

excellent idea tonight: draw out a map of known physics concepts, and look for the blank spots.

will not is just more words for cannot
the concepts of competition and society tend to conflict with one another, in practice.
heres to your disadvantage.

so what i was thinking was that mathematics is like some sort of map, where axioms are the starting points. and as we build both true and false statements, or propositions, based on the assumed axioms, we start to fill in the map, with say land or water. and the more developed we become with our mathematics, the more of the map we have. but Gödel showed that our maps would always have spots that would remain dark, and that we would always have to create new axioms to fill in the dark spots (or so they tell me, i dont really know). the blank spots are the important parts.

oh good, its foggy; i can sleep now.

at first i was thinking i should try to create such a map of mathemtics. perhaps it is my limited imagination, but i kept having difficulty getting past the concepts of dimension and layout. so i never got anywhere with it. but then the other day i considered doing the same thing with physics. and what i was thinking was this, power is the time rate of change of work, force is the time rate of change of momentum. momentum is kind of the time rate of change of intertia, (or more so, intertia is an object's resistance to a change in motion, as where the the derivative of position times an objects mass would equal momentum...). but it suddenly seemed easier than a mathematical map.

damn, i had an idea a little while ago about something i wanted to look up online, but now i dont remember what it is.
it was some sort of math concept.

i learned about the riemann sphere yesterday and today, and damn, that was a good idea.

ah, i think what i wanted to learn more about was the first Hilbert problem, which apparently had to do with whether or not there was a set of numbers larger than the countables, but smaller than the uncountables. according to a book ive been reading for several years, it was somehow proven that there was and there wasnt, that you could have it however youd like. the idea of metamathematics is beginning to intrigue me more every moment. and so is the concept of infinity. i guess its time to find more friends(?).

it is true; i am a liar.

i should also mention, today at work, we tried to measure the speed of light, but we failed. maybe sunday.

i must do as i wish.
come to a complete stop.


i stole a stranger's love note tonight.

i was talking with a friend, about the relationship between language and 'ideas', how it appeared to me that language enables us to have many ideas which we could not otherwise develop. i guess what i am trying to think of is the relationship between the development of language, as far as its organization and articulation go, and the relationship to new ideas, and the communication of ideas. what are the rates of return? as an economist might say. so at 251 yesterday morning, an example comes to mind. computers, ultimately are a language of problem solving for which we could not have possibly imagined the power of until turing machines were thought up... mathematics is full of examples really, the whole of mathematics is this process of reiterative refinement in organizing and communicating and reorganizing ideas. although that isnt real clear, as to what it is saying, or how correct it is.

i told a homeless man i would help him, but he left before i returned.

the... complexity of an elementary proof, such as irrationality of sq(2), when entered into a computer proof-checking system, seems to suggest that there is a lot more information, and processing perhaps, occurring when we construct and verify and deal with proofs.

i should have brought him here. i should have said, "can i trust you?" and "and even more important, if i couldnt trust you, and i asked if i could, would you answer that i could?"
its foolproof failsafe. it is no such thing.

i am beginning to suspect that the concept of evil is a big problem in the world. over the last several years i have begun to struggle when trying to imagine that someone is evil, or has some evil motive. i just dont see it. i can imagine they have different morals than me, or a different concious. that they have a different point of view or different ideals. that they may be delusional, or psychotic, but never do i imagine evil. im not even sure what evil means anymore.

i stole a stranger's love note tonight.


you are always prettier in focus.

i feel like i have a vast yet valueless cache of bits and pieces to post here. and i suppose here and there ive got a paragraph that might provoke a useful thought in someone.

whats inside youre mind?

i was thinking the other day that, in science, we deal with the when where and how, not the why or what so much. in terms of when where and how, we are very successful. even in quantum mechanics, where we principally cannot know both when and where things will occur we can still describe much of the how, and assign probabilities to the when and where, as well as restrictions as to how much is and is not knowable.
now, a lot of people have difficulty with all this. a lot of people seek the what and why of reality, which science cannot do much for. we can always say what and why something is in terms of other things, but that usually leads most people with those questions to ask for the what and why to deeper levels of reality, which sooner or later result in an unknown, or more likely, unknowable answer.
it is interesting in fact, the very nature of the words 'what' and 'why' lead to a hierarchy of questioning, as opposed to the questions when where and how, which we tend to think of as having more definite answers.
i think i kind of stole this all from something bertrand russell supposedly said about electricity:
"Electricity, Bertrand Russell says, is not a thing, like St. Paul's Cathedral; it is a way in which things behave. When we have told how things behave when they are electrified, and under what circumstances they are electrified, we have told all there is to tell."

what an odd dilemma; on one hand i resist change, and grow comfortable in monotony. on the other hand i often grow terribly bored with the stale state of repetition.

i keep having some strange ideas during physical chemistry. a few classes ago i began to think about how first we quantized matter, with the atom hypothesis, then we quantized electricty, in theory. then we quantized energy with planck's explanation of blackbody radiation, and then light with einstein's photoelectric effect paper. so i was thinking the main concepts left are time and space (i am aware that there are theories of quantum gravity out there, or more that people are trying to construct them, and that at various times people have suggested quantization of space, and all sorts of bizzare stuff, non of which i am doing. im simply keeping my mind moving). which made me realize, if either one were quantized, so would the other, which is kind of neat. then i realized that the space is quantized for electrons bound to atoms, it seems, and that the whole concept of quantum leaps implies that the quantization of their possible position in space leads to a quantization of time in way. although now that doesnt seem to make as much sense. but thats okay, it has entertained me quite a bit. i feel like there was more of a point to this originally.

today i buried you in a pile of papers.
we all find our own ways to cope.


click here to regret it

i dont like the term 'blog', but i suppose that is just because i resist change, and the word is relatively new. i suppose i dont like abreviations in general, im not sure why really.

normally, if i cant say anything intelligent, then i dont say anything at all. so i dont speak very often.