hearts uncritical

im mostly just not comfortable with the magnitude of the effect this is having on me.
like im angry that it makes me angry.
and angry that it makes me sad.
and i still havent come to terms.
i still havent figured it out.
i still havent understood.

such a strange universe in which the line between free will and determinism is so blurry.

we cant see further than we can see.

there are about 200 million centuries between the birth and death of the sun.

the rich get richer
to learn (or understand better):
Lagrangian mechanics
Hamiltonian mechanics
variational principle
action principle
d'Alambert's principle
virtual work
virtual displacements
Noether's theorem
gauge theories
state equations

maybe try to write some how you feel. or try to write to grandma or clean more.
dance all night with your hand on my ass or make a move?
its just like breathing. you breath, dont you?

okay, so how many tests do i have to do to establish order?
seems like we could create a sort of phase space for the solutions, and a map or guide to specific solutions based on a smaller number of tests. but maybe the number of tests isnt much smaller.

mathematica functions to learn better: apply, function, slot

okay, now im thinking that we could examine the 'strength' of a mathematical system, or maybe more its breadth or width or something, by how restrictive it is to the imagination, or something. basically, the axioms of mathematics reduce the number of things which are possible. the very most basic axiom in all of the sciences/logics/mathematical disciplines would be that logic, or maybe more basically, truth, holds. obviously much more could happen in the universe if truth were not a valid concept, and so we figure at the very least we can rely on that. then we add all sorts of additional assumptions; ZFC is such a set. we now know that systems (descriptions? axiomatic sets/systems?) above some certain threshold of potency are necessarily incomplete (thank you Gödel). mathematicians can choose which level they work on, by choosing which set of axioms to utilize.

you have no expiration date.
love me fiercely
paper programs
love letter to nowhere
chrome dome
convicted cannibal
tacit blue?

on mythbusters he said, "this is not gonna rip my fillings out, is it?"
but i thought he said, "this is not gonna rip my feelings out, is it?"

everyones told me how smart i am. its just natural to assume most people must be dumb. right? i mean, how else can i interpret that? ive spent a long time fighting 'im smart', but why bother? ive already become arrogant, i might as well run with it. actually, wait, i still want to resist calling myself smart. ive got a lot of very clear reasons why that isnt the case.

in the end i guess the questions ring down to: what do we want? and why dont we have it? and i feel like i have almost everything i want, or i have a very accessible route towards anything i want in the future. except, i want to fall madly in love, and that has always been a mystery to me. that is the nerve wracking desire. its never quite seemed to happen. because you cant just fall madly in love with someone at will. its not something you control. and its not something they control either. they have to do it too. and ive never quite lined up my love with theirs. it seems like we have always been just a few moments offset.

cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.

watching this movie, bickford's cool ideas, makes me think i should befriend the schizophrenic guy in keene.

it seems to me that 'growing up', for me at least, is a process of accepting the retarded aspects of the world and dealing with them appropriately. stated that way, i am not really interested in growing up, ever. if thats really what im thinking, i dont want to ever grow up.

hearts uncritical


love trumps morality

everyone is always telling me how different or unique i am
so why would anyone ever expect to predict my behavior reliably?
and im always complaining about how i dont understand people, and about how complicated people and their interactions are; how can i ever expect to predict anyones behavior reliably?

i feel like i need to puke.
about grad school
more about grad school
physics at UNH
more about physics at UNH
MIT's open courseware
some stars that keith used to have me look at
save my teeth
where next
interesting phrase
still dont understand
understand even less
i expected something like this
i ought to understand this, why not yet?
complexity class TFNP
why i have no work ethic (because i dont really do work)
the definitive guide (which seems silly since language evolves naturally)
we all suck
not cool man
also not cool
eh, whatever
no shit
sooner or later, but no
fuck you
where the hell am i?
complexity theory for everyone
sulfur hexa fluoride (some day)

we didnt even try.

what a fucking huge waste of time this was.


compassion fatigue

pluck my nerves.
perfection only makes sense in terms of definitions. to claim perfection, or lack thereof, only seems valid following the explicit statement of those definitions.

compassion fatigue.

isnt it a little bizarre that we have become neat freaks when our existence depends on a built up resistance due to our exposure to pathogens.

Karl Popper said, "we have become makers of our fate when we have ceased to pose as its prophets."

heh heh heh, i just got top-dollar for my soul. i sold it to dan for five bucks. all i needed was a little bit of blood. hes even given me leasing rights (though hes reserved the right to revoke them at any time if he so decides).

the delgados said:

everybody knows that, i only have myself to blame. everybody knows that, softly softly wins the game. trust, ill try to learn again. my words, are seldom for a friend.
are you gonna sink or swim? coast to coast, its more than you bargained for. are you going to lose or win?

a hint of passion isnt enough wasnt enough never has been never will be ever never; im not really sure where to go with anything anymore.


smash and grab

youll be beautiful forever.

the forest chorus
shameless complacency
color-coded secrets

do not believe that my blood is so cold.

so WHAT.
its my life.


hash clash

the following ideas have occurred very recently

snooze off!

i just realized: i really really like waterfalls. theyre just very... interesting. visually.

this world is bigger than big

fish out of water
fish in the air

i guess im just in that weird mood/state of mind where everything phrase seems uniquely special, every idea seems profound. believe it or not, this is not drug induced, but some natural state of mind i have enjoyed for most of my life.

fall out of the sky and find me

no fault found

"In this place where time stands still it seems like everything is moving. Including me. I can't say I know where I'm going nor if my bad deeds can be purified. There are so many things I have done that I regret. But when I come to a full stop I hope you understand that the distance between us is not as great as it seems. "

you are not broken. sprained maybe. but nothing that cannot be mended.

you, me, and the world. only three things, pretty easy to keep track of.


separation of concerns

do i ever act rude or insensitive? cause i dont think so, but how do i know? someone ought to say something if i do.

can you think of adhesion between two molecules as the same as 'adhesion' between a photon and gravitational mass? probably not, right? though can you? what changes?

sometimes i just get fed up with all the uncessessary sadness in the world.

is it weird that i always found calvin's mom (from calvin and hobbs) attractive?

the symmetry between american fear of a suicidal (inferred from our belief in their willingness to first strike) USSR, and the USSR fear of the same from us, shows that we had much more in common than we thought, and that our shared idiocracy could have cost everyone their lives.

we're all just human beings. nothing more. or less. if you figure that all measures must in the end be arbitrary and thus highly subjective, how can you place value on anything? which is fine, theres no reason things need to have value in a perfectly objective way. for me, its plenty to have it in the highly subjective view i hold.

you know that feeling i get during a particularly good part of a song i like?
its a feeling that uncontrollably creates a smile.
or when someone i am attracted to indicates that they like me too?
or when i witness something particularly beautiful.
or when i think of you smiling.
i think ive heard this term before, but this is the first time ive used it; that is the greatest feeling in the world. hmmm, actually, orgasm might be better, it is not easy to differentiate though it is in some way. they are great in two different ways i suppose.

"take me anywhere, with you"
"thats what i said, thats not what i mean."

it seems as if perfect knowledge of the future might allow you to intentionally violate the 2nd law. is that true?
and does the speed of light relate at all to the uncertainty principle?

Inchoate offense

the nipples of mother hope have run dry.

dude, seahorses look like the most useless animal ever.

why are certain phrases offensive? like 'i dont want to talk about it/to you/right now' or whatever.

'the world' is a strange place. incomprehensibly complicated and yet governed by a seemingly simple set of rules. i want to tell my grandmother: do not worry, my adamant atheism has been a core part of me for the entire history of my personality. it never seems to have worn my optimism, wavered my morals or instilled hardly any sadness of any sort. it has however lead to a deep appreciation for my past, present and foreseeable existence, as well as an unmeasurable concern for the well-being of others, (not to mention bottomless awe and curiosity about the universe). all said, it seems to work out very well for me. i bring my attention now to girls. plural? sure, why not. because i forgot what i was going to say about it, and what i needed to say about it. so thats why not.

steal me a dream.

you mean the world to me.



the hardest easy problem?

people used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone.

zo'o ta jitfa .i .e'o xu do pendo mi

i want to work to make all my 'footprints' smaller. reduce the amount of things i have, the amount of energy i consume, the amount of packaging, of gas, of water, of food... everything, smaller.

though i am an atheist, i can admit that some of the ideas that came out of religion are acceptable. but i judge those ideas the same way i judge all ideas, does it make sense? does it benefit the universe in the ways i prefer?

i enjoy thinking about these things the way fat people enjoy eating. maybe its time for me to 'lose weight'?

if we could think of time as moving 'back and forth' constantly, on a very small scale, independent to each region of space, then what would come out of that? could the arrow of time still emerge?
now i think that idea is stupid.

time ought to be a biproduct

best foot forward; which one is that?

there are two main ways to get people to do what you want: bullying, and seducing (really there are other ways too, but not as universal, like extortion, paying, threats...)
now, i want a president who will seduce foreign powers, not bully them. unfortunately, none of the current presidential candidates are attractive enough to seduce me. which is why i now think that we need a really attractive young bisexual female to run for president... young men would vote for her, some young women would vote for her...

id rather be seduced than bullied. though the two approahes are rarely exchangeable.

codys questions for questioning people
(choose exactly one answer for each question that you agree with completely)

you wash the back of your hands
a) less than
b) the same as
c) more than
the palms of your hands?

i feel guilty when i masturbate:
(you may interpret "i" as either me or you)

i like to hurt small animals:
all the time
whenever the opportunity arises

when you hear the phrase, 'child killers'
do you interpret it to mean adults who kill children
or children who kill adults

is your favorite color of jelly bean also your favorite tasting jelly bean?

if my nipples were somehow lactating, would that
a) turn you on
b) make me irresistable
c) both a and b

this is the fortune for your cookie.

wait a second, i can claim software engineering now? how ridiculous!

the easiest hard problem:
"among all sets of 10 integers between 1 and 10, more than 99 percent have at least one perfect partition. (To be precise, of the 10 billion such sets, 9,989,770,790 can be perfectly partitioned. I know because I counted them—and it wasn't easy.)"

do you have teeth or are you a sheep in wolfs clothing.

think of what wikipedia is too: a very popular resource, probably one of the most visited sites on the internet. and you can create content for it! and edit it!. well, create content isnt the right words really.

iterated logarithms?

Studies have shown that mental scans of those in love show a striking resemblance to those with a mental illness. Love creates activity in the same area of the brain that hunger, thirst, and drug cravings create activity in. New love, therefore, could possibly be more physical than emotional (though drawing a clear line between physical and emotional is difficult when discussing the brain). thats the problem! your confusing love for mental illness! or maybe the other way around...? no, i like the first way better.

at some point very recently, ive realized what my problem is: im arrogant! and wait, theres other ones too, i just forgot for the moment. it was confirmed by a bold friend (and thus lovely person) recently, though, admittedly i already knew (which fits the charge). i first realized it this weekend previous, when talking to corey, i realized that my intolerance to do work that i dont want to do could be confused with arrogance. corey confirmed that, and then i realized it is simply that i am arrogant. before that i also began to think people confuse my honesty for modesty sometimes. which made me think: i definitely used to be modest, and not arrogant, but recently, within the last year or two id say, ive slowly changed those attributes. i am not a modest person any longer i dont believe. i have remained honest i think, perhaps even improved my morals (improved in the sense that they have evolved towards the popular opinion, rather than away from).

ever wonder why i can talk about sex when using codewords like 'practice, but not as just 'sex'? isnt that weird? why cant i talk about sex? its just a word, an activity, a series of abstract objects in the world. why is it that i have remind myself that these things are not important, and that there is nothing wrong with talking about them most of the time? that i forget these things by default?

Invite people to lunch.
Or invite them to coffee or for a beer after work. If you meet a fellow introvert, he/she is unlikely to do the inviting, so you have to do it.

Cynthia called me 'both the smartest and dumbest person [she had] ever met'.
most of the time that seems to fit well.


letters to you—folded in thirds

heroic dose; consult your attorney. consult your physician. excess in moderation. a consultant economy.

WARNINGS: most likely your pencil will be sharpened. do not poke yourself with pencil, or it will sting for a few seconds.

i love to hear what you sound like.

hmmm, does anyone ever think of how computers are evidence (examples really) of how the intuitive (to me) idea that inflation causes life to become more expensive, is at least in some instances, wrong
for example, normally you would expect to think al things, over time, increase in cost. but computers dont. they get better in numerous ways, including price. in general, this happens with all technological advances, and the more rapidly the advance, the more obviously the drop in price/increase in benefits (i speculate).
in fact, what happens when you plot the rate of change of computer prices?
does it become free eventually? can i predict that moment! it is bizarre what speculation i am willing to tolerate and what i vehemently dismiss.

okay, before (11·24·07) i wrote:
okay, i know we all are familiar with moore's law, but has anyone looked at the way that total terrestrial computing power has grown? and how about computing power per cubic meter of space? this would include only the space taken up by computers, actually, didnt moore make a statement about processor size too? maybe not.
now im thinking (added 12·7·07), and how about total amount of computation completed? or performed? does our ability to squeeze more out of what we have outpace our laziness in contributing to others. wow thats awkward, what i mean is, do distributed computing projects increase the amount of computing we do faster than people and companies that buy computers and then dont use them usually.

letters to you––folded in thirds

what is my problem?
why wont anyone tell me?
maybe my problem is that im always trying to solve problems, rather than just accepting there are rough spots in the world? in which case i should stop trying to solve problems so much. though by stopping solving problems, i would be attempting to solve my own problem (assuming that is it), which would certainly be discouraging to my new goal of not solving problems. it is a conundrum. indeed.
i am, of course, kidding, of course, am i?

sometimes i stutter, pause, and hesitate, consciously. as if i could stop it, but decide not to.

what if there is no additive inverse to one dimension in a vector space? do you get spacetime? i need to ask Mike this, he knows about vector spaces.

synaptic plasticity.
fantastic synaptic.

turtles might be immortal.

in the battle between continuous and discrete, is there something in the middle? is there a set that contains all the reals, but is not continuous? i dont think that really makes any sense at all, but my interest and skills in this more abstract, pure math, is lacking.

what is the information content in our words? our sentences? our paragraphs & novels? greater than the sum of its parts?

do you have any innate passions? do you feel vulnerable if you share them?
do you know mine yet?