we all run around in these thoughts and fears.

PURGE? repentance.

i think in english
"notice anything different? --- i can breath."
we all run around with these thoughts and fears.
is this longing for someone to share with common among humans? or am i alone.
are you frightened? embrace it, its the only way to make things exciting.

does there come a time when there is no thing exciting any longer? no thing painful? no thing scary, or will there just be nothing then? is that all their is? does it ever become numb otherwise?

hows that working out for you?

"tell me why you talk to me!
---because you listen."

"go ahead and bend over for destiny."

this sunrise disappoints.

the lesser of two evils is still evil, no matter what you tell yourself to sleep at night.

"are you trying to seduce me?"

any good TOE should reveal reason behind the arrow of time.

how many days has it been? how many days have we done this?

"pile misery upon misery."

when things look up, we look down.

and now i know it.

these thoughts and feelings
these words and meanings
they refuse to express themselves
communication has never caught up to us
and our conversations are never finished.
dont leave me in the middle of the sentence.


Dear Cody,

Listen, I know everyone thinks you are a real smart guy and everything, and how sometimes that gets to you, but I'm writing to let you know that its not true: you aren't smart. You haven't the slightest clue how to read people, you can't even read their intentions when they are spelled out on paper (or the electronic equivalents)! The closest thing you have to basic communication skills is the ability to see what people meant 9 months after the fact. It's as if you only understand the conception after the birth; you'll be forever 9 months delayed from reality. To put it in terms you might understand, you exist in an interval external to reality's light cones: you exist beyond the time like curves, in the space like region. In some sense, this is what you wanted, events in the space like region can never effect the time like regions, essentially making you an objective observer. But you had to forfeit all involvement with reality to obtain that. And now you're having second thoughts about it, aren't you.

Sorry, I guess that got a bit off point. Getting back, no one can evaluate what they do not understand, and very few people understand mathematics and physics, so very few people can believe you are smart for it. What they can do, and what is commonly done, is confuse what they don't understand as being necessarily intelligent. And you are the same as anyone else. You can't avoid thinking everyone around you is brilliant, because they understand what you don't, or at least they understand it better.

And what authority do I have to tell you these things? None at all, really. But since when did you ever respect authority anyway?

-Over the Ocean


too many quotes

people, i dont understand.

"is this salt water?
its salt with water in it if thats what you mean."

"my visions fading, i think im gonna die!
there was nothing wrong with that food,
the salt level was 10% less then a lethal dose.
uh oh! i shouldnt have had seconds!"

there is nothing that means we cant pretend.
nothing says we cannot behave how we want.



aug 31st in manchester ---wait, what the fuck was that for???

a friend's away message:
what if i don't want ordinairy? what if i want more? what if i need to be independent? but what if i need a rock? what i want children and a white picket fence? what if i want to live everywhere, with nothing constant? what if i want a passionate love story? what if i want mature love? what if?

what if i want everything and nothing at the same time?

my response:
im sorry, but this is why guys tend to think girls are crazy a lot of the time. granted, i can kind of understand it; feelings and desires do not need to follow any sort of rules, but stuff like that can get really, i want to say frustrating, but thats not really the word. i dont really know how to describe what i am thinking. probably an indication that i dont really understand my take on this yet.
to expand on that, why do we all feel so compelled to know what we want? or to plan out our lives? quit it already with the planning and the inhibitors. plan only as far as you understand, and abandon the rest in its place. (8·15·07).
and you (cody), stop documenting everything so carefully. its inhuman. also, less quotes eh?

"does mom know?
she would unspool!
can i tell her!?!"

"surrendering to destiny?"
"i didnt fall through the cracks, i jumped through."

how much of this did we decide, and how much did we just accept?
this is insulting to both of us.
in the usual way.

"and now what does it feel like?
it feels like theres a train, every hour."

talk is important.

"lay off the pipe."


you have the wrong idea about you.

"why would you want to get involved in something so potentially messy and complicated if you dont have to?
because she makes me sad.
are you attracted to her?
if i were attracted to her i wouldnt be trying to find the guy shes in love with, would i?
oh... good answer."

"theres no more wiggle room on your wrap sheet."

"even if you got rid of me youd still be left with the biggest obstacle to jaye's heart.
whats that?

"why would you want to get involved with anything as potentially messy and complicated as... me?
because you make me happy."

chevy chase movie where he is a writer and they move into the country.

come back to me
dont rain
dont pour.

laughing sickness? sounds like my kind of ailment!
drew blood.
that probably left a mark....

there have always been believers, and most likely, non believers. the difference is that the non-believers have not changed.

i think 'almost' was a bit of a misnomer.

if you think im 'weird' its just because you havent learned and accepted that the world need not be any certain way. and i have.

stay away from heaven.

greatest idea yet: upside down hourglasses!

take a picture, ittll last longer.
itll last longer.
take a picture.

"its also terrifying, its the sound of a fuse being lit."
"i challenge you to a kiss."

poor, poor world.

i think im going to try my hand at P vs NP. or more FP vs FNP. though i know i wont solve it, maybe ill really understand it more. that would be more than satisfying in terms of achievement.


morality and mortality

i ought to maintain this list better,
things to do before i die:
slap multiple (3 or more) people with one swing.
kill a man, (or would child be funnier?).

avoid trial
inoperable patience
inoperable ____

everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

i wish that when i was a kid i had met someone like me. then i would have been much better at these things i enjoy; ive only really discovered most of them at a much older age than necessary.

maybe put this in equals signs: we both learned to hide it.

head back
hold on
hold on

so uh... are you the brains of the outfit or is he?
to be honest with you, i dont think this is a brains sort of operation.

spare me your space-aged technobabel attila the hun!

inspire revolutionaries.
all things grow.
all things grow moldy.
detect defect.

what did you want to be when you grew up?

really good:
wherever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure: a larger heart, and a greater self-restraint, would put a calm autumnal sadness in the place of the instinctive outcry of pain.
-Bertrand Russell

mister Russell helping me tolerate my job more? weird.

can all motion be written in terms of straight lines and circular arcs?

i prefer to burn my bridges before i cross them, thus making them more thrilling to cross.


i just want now to stop.

could we somehow apply the limit process to the differintegral processes?
for instance, what happens when you repeatedly differentiate something? does it converge or diverge to some thing? or perhaps cycles periodically between a number of different functions? actually, i guess ive asked this before, when i took complex variables. and we differentiated certain functions that repeated every 4th derivative or something.

you have the blame. you halve the blame. ill take the blame. or we could halve it. go dutch on the blame.

we are all to blame for everything. does anyone feel this way? or am i alone.

thanks, for leaving, the light on, so i, could find, my way home. thanks, for meeting, me half way, from the curb, to, the doorway. this skin is meant to be lived in, so why do i want out? why do i love to see you? see you scream out.

activate the slave settings.

she loves his boyish charms, but she hates his childish antics.

i wrote them a poem:

they label me benign
but intelligence is malignant
a wolf in sheeps clothing.

it would be a haiku but i think its one extra syllable each. though now that i look at the definition of haiku, its no longer clear if the 5/7/5 syllable idea is correct or not. maybe it qualifies. i dont know. i dont care really.

"im filled with a large number of powerful emotions."

my word! you do tickle me!

are you haunted? you want to get un-haunted? well, i'd kill him.

which of the following would you most prefer: a. a puppy b. a pretty flower from your sweetie or c. a large properly formatted data file?

todays words: inimical, malign, benign, malefic

what happens when we all realize that everyone is uniquely interesting? how then will anything get done? maybe, probably, by then, Koza's machines will have displaced us.

isnt it interesting how what makes a person an individual is the way they change, rather than the individual states they take on?
just like physics is really about the rate of change instead of absolutes like position and time.

so now i need to invent calculus for personalities. or calculus for... something.

im struggling quite a bit to figure out whats wrong with drugs... can anyone help me? its probably a good thing to understand. though if i cant figure out what 'right' and 'wrong' mean in anything resembling absolute terms, then i suppose i must settle for relative reasons for the 'rightness' and 'wrongness' of drugs. which i suppose i can easily define/find. Einstein said (allegedly): things should be as simple as they are, but no simpler. i increasingly feel as if most humans have these ideas twisted in modern life: that which is simple is made complex, and that which is complex is made unreasonably simple. i would cite most 'hot button' poltical issues as evidence of this.

shes tachycardia for sure.

i think a plan is just a list of things that dont happen.

im realizing that i cant tell the difference between people who like me and people who are just being nice. really, the only people i would expect this to matter with are attractive young girls, but i suppose since i cant tell the difference, potentially anyone who is nice to me might really like me. that could be fun. creepy old guys. old ladies.

shes a dime. but that is obvious.

also, yes, i know i make very little/no sense, but no one else makes much sense to me either. its weird how special relativity seems to make a lot of sense, and inverse square laws. mathematics. but the 6+ billion people on the planet remain largely a mystery. misstery? misstressy.

do you wonder?
do you wonder.