limbo. fuck you god.

is she testing me?
we never see, to get a break, do we...

wow, so i guess im now typing 70-80 wpm with 98% accuracy... more than i expected.

you can do this, its just like murdering a little butler.
look, i dont know if shooting penguins will the environment or not.

"did everything just jump around? or did my brain just stroke off their for a second?"


"we will begin with the fireman, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion, until everyone is eaten."

"did you really leave me again? after all the seasons i spent waiting. watching out the window. listening at the door. waiting for the news of your return. for the news that you realized someone important was waiting for you. a whole lifetime ive been waiting. i cant believe youre not coming back. i cant believe im supposed to stop waiting. i cant believe you left me again."

okay, now you go hide.

are virtual particles violating causality? could we basically look at them as traveling both forwards and backwards in time?
its bryants away message:
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
- Alan Moore
and it relates to my statements to matt that time travel seems impossible because it violates conservation laws. well, couldnt we imagine that virtual particle pairs travelled back in time to get to where they are?

are you ready for love?
oh baby ima ready for love.

so now im thinking that there is no difference from our point of view between the world being non-deterministic, and the world being deterministic, but the uncertainty principle prevents us from nailing down any definite states.

shes thermal runaway

or a bipolar transistor?

"she said she had some catching up to do"

this was from the documentary deliver us from evil. and it was one of the most sad things i have ever witnessed. probably the saddest real thing ive ever heard of.
"and she just said yes. and uh, the whole world collapsed.
...and at that point, it destroyed, our lives."

today i realized that my education has simply made me less tolerant of jobs i dont like. in my head it is stated as, "i went to school for {____}. i shouldnt have to do {not ____}".


try to study (and quantify) the relationship between relative directions of pointing (one person pointing towards an distant position, another person looking), and peoples abilities to connect correctly.

you need to notify people who are wrong, so that they can learn

stuff i wrote to friends tonight:
to Bernard:
i hate thinking people are stupid. but im becoming more comfortable with the idea.
10·36·19 P
id prefer to think that (mostly) all humans have the same hardware. though the programming varies drastically. i like to think the only reason people think im smart is because i take interest in what is an uncommon subject, so most people know nothing about what i know something about.

to Ben:
its similar to what physicists, mathematicians, computer scientists, and maybe even electrical engineers have been doing for a while. so all of those people seem smarter because instead of learning how a specific problem works, we are really learning about the nature of problems. and that prevents you from getting stuck in the mode of  like, "well, i know how to solve problems about gravity, but not how to optimize airplane scheduling". all of those studies really let you abstract your problem so youre more an expert problem solver, rather than an expert in physics or whatever.
10·32·29 P
but i think computational complexity theory, and computability theory are the best for that. they are concerned with the most pure aspects of problem solving. can it be solved, how, and when.

so im sort of freaking out right now. only a little. i dont know, this sort of thing messes with my body a lot. oh wait, and my mind. im torn between cut and run, and pushing forward. if you told me the truth, that you push people away, to test them, then i should push forward. if you really liked me at some point so much, then i should push forward. if you are who others think you are, then i should cut and run. i dont want to cut and run. im not afraid that i cant meet someone else. i just dont want to yet. weve never really figured out how to get things working, and so ive never really felt confident that they cant work. but maybe i should interpret an inability to get there as equivalent to an inability to stay there. yeah, im being a little abstract.

youre afraid of commitment? afraid to open up? thats why you want to detach from everyone? when i asked if moving to portland was to get away from me, you said no. if i were to ask you if you never wanted to speak to me again, you wouldnt say yes, right? you told me youd push me away. that you would test me. should i assume that is what is happening? i dont know, i just need to talk to you more. to figure it out and understand. more 'serious' talks. more communication. that what i need to improve. i might have a thousand notes and nothing worth saying. i just enjoy you, okay? thats it. its simple. you make me happy, should there be more to it?

please dont let me disappear. im sure i make you happy. even if its only a moment. i think it might still be worth it, for both of us.

maybe i just need to socialize more in general.

"oh!... i know youre only a dream, but i dont care. its nice to see you, even if you are just a dream."


thoughts forgotten

i should have mentioned the pining for.

scintillating smile

even if its just a whisper.

im just a dreamer
and you are just a dream

i was not the one who was on the run
i was not afraid of what might come this way

i think we have fucked up the game through our awareness of it.
i think maybe i can do this more than anyone around me.

ever watch someone who is watching someone?
"i'm trying to break your heart"

please dont rain
please dont pour

she remarried a gynecologist, or a pediatrician, or a pediatrician gynecologist.
i think hes in one of those, personal improvement cults or something...
i sometimes hurt small animals, true or false? i feel guilty when i masturbate.
-well i dont write the questions, i just, review the answers.
dont ask what the object of the game is, figuring that out, is, the object of the game.
cold. colder. warm. warmer.
i got the key out of... out of the mouth of this... wooden clown.
like my father before me, i choose eternal sleep.
youre, making a mistake... i am, extremely, fragile, right now.
i'm pulling back the curtain; i want to meet the wizard.

fighting hard i

"i was drugged
and left for dead
in mexico - and
all i got was this
stupid t-shirt"

not too little
not too much
youre just right

im an extremely selfish person, most people just dont see it, but its obvious when you think about it. just think about how much i know, how much i understand, and how little i express those things to all but those closest to me.

i just had an idea for something very practical that would let me use cool mathematics, it would be an attempt to make more efficient storage tanks for coolants. the gist of it is that we could fine tune the type of material used to construct the tank based on minimizing heat loss while maximizing strength. the approach would be to balance the heat conductivity and strength properties of the tank shells materials in order to find the solution.

"you mature and you realize, theres no there"

you stranger, are the perfect candidate, for costumed, aggression.
please, press against my weaponry, and then lay bare your chest.
its nice to hear your voice again. ive waited all day long, even wrote a song for you.
some say the world will end on fire.
okay, im really ____, but this seems like a good idea maybe anyway: okay, the brain could easily implement memory by just recording the input type of information (say, the eyes, or ears...) and recording the actual signals themselves. thats the same as storing many files with various filetypes all relating to one thing. so you have some underlying concept of 'cody' and audio, video, text even, can all lead to recall of that memory... probably more, recall of that image/sound/idea... so really you send a signal into the brain representing 'cody' and if its an image it triggers the image memory, or a sound then the sound. the brain links these things together by connecting them all to an underlying 'conceptual memory'. if you could type a name into google and google could recognize speech, text, and video of you, just based off youre name, thatd be very similar if not indistinguishable from human memory (or probably only cause im ____).
"that server is just waiting to cripple the company"
-_____ _______
when i asked him, he asked, what business it was of mine, and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
in the english countryside, many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
not just words -- black heart procession
youre obviously confused and aroused.
in general i am not concerned with human things, like making money, looking good, being right. i am only really concerned with understanding the universe, and with being as honest as possible about what is and is not understood.
FUCK, i want to be concerned with something else too. where is she going?
do i have a job that drives me to drink?
i need to make a cody-to-english, english-to-cody dictionary.
start with:
practice (sex)
attractive (pleasing)
beautiful (extremely pleasing)
dictionary (joke)
work (unpleasant, or unproductive actions)

shes loves my boyish charms, but hates my childish antics.

he was eager to be offended.
ill introduce the third dimension.

i just sneezed while peeing, and it was a new experience for me.
also, i realized suddenly that alcohol and pot both make time slow down, but pot makes you realize how slow time is going, and alcohol doesnt maybe. i dont know, im drunk.
im not really in a condition to tell.

bring back, bring back, oh bring back my bonnie to me, to me.

my allie lies over the ocean (see figure 1)
my allie lies over the sea
my allie lies over the ocean
oh bring back my allie to me.

can i join you?

sometimes you like me a whole lot. other times, you dont. and i cant figure it out yet. i kind of know, but not enough.

im not the only creative person you know. but im probably the only mathematical physicist/computer scientist you really know.

are you okay?
yeah, why?
i dont know, you just seem so far away.

the first thing that came to mind was very silly and immature, though i consider that a good thing, since i think i need to be more immature.

we should have holiday when there isnt.
thank you for the dirt.

i understand that a lot of people (the christians, in general) feel guilty about their human tendencies; this baffles me. i do not feel guilty for anything that is out of my control. i do not really think america is the greatest country to live in, but i do not feel guilty about living here. there are other examples too im sure.

does it taste like home? only when your eyes are closed. have you been away too long, am i still immune? am i naked too?
theres a plate for you in the oven.
so now i want to let my hair get long and gray and old. and surround myself with books.
please dont swear.
fuck fuck fuck fuck

im having a little trouble drinking, i think that means im drunk. time to cut hair off.
i would do anything you wished, to not make that happen. i would get on a plane if i have to.
in her next letter she says she feels better. and that her thoughts of suicide have subsided. and that she has a new idea for a novel.
the later letters, particularly, 77 -123, are less passionate. and almost approach bitterness, perhaps even jealousy. and then by 130 they dissolve down to 2 or 3 very uninformative half sentences.
in his own quite way, he really cares a great deal about other people.

daddy, are you okay?
leave me alone.
i thought maybe we could talk.
please go away.

i would quote this whole movie but that means nothing. humans are weird. we mean nothing and everything. another paradox to resolve. another challenge to rise to.
my goal was to not be able to hold onto things. and i know im close. but right now i need to cut my hair. i gotta hold onto the scissors. thats you, you can be the scissors. can you make a fist? you gotta help me change these things. itll be so much better then. better than.
i dont have a dresser, so i dont get to try that.
are you okay? yeah. can you, can you make a fist? yeah like that. does that hurt?
yeah, a little bit.
...but that was, that was a, disaster. lets just say, i, lost my shit. excuse my french. i just froze up. an they stopped the show, and then for some reason, i, i kicked the drummer.

dont act so innocent. ive seen you pound your fist into the earth. and ive read your books, seems like you could use another fool. and i look right through.
must have more important things to do.
so if you need a murderer.

such activities

yes, but not like this.
yes, but it was different.
"Scientists Dissect Coworker To Learn More About Scientists"

nothings wrong as far as i can see
we make it harder than it has to be
and i cant tell you why

ill be honest with you: i dont know how honest i can be with you.

when can i see you? ill just call in sick.
you have self-defeating cool. i have a million things to whisper, and i forget them all when i start thinking of you.
hide with me under the covers.
so good to see you, glad you came.

i looked up at the stars
i looked up and saw stars

ive decided to get really angry from now on whenever someone wakes me up, except you. that way it becomes more important that i gave you permission.
does it work like that? can you decide to be angry? can i decide to be angry?
you take my voice away. ill have to stop that.
you grabbed my hand, and we fell into it. like a daydream, or a fever.
a wondrous thing happened why not.
kiss you again.
a spout of water, probably 15 feet tall woke me up this morning, coming out of the ground in front of the bank.
stop saying, "anyway, bye."
if i start acting like a boyfriend will i be yours?
if i stop acting like a friend will i be yours?
i used to think i was maybe 20/80 retarded/smart. but now i think thats probably more 80/20.
isnt it kind of funny that MC Hammer was considered cool for parachute pants, and is now considered uncool for really the same reason.
joe rogan's point about solitary confinement, how we punish people by taking away their human interaction.
someone should hold you
before you slip away
youre really not so far from us. youre really not so far.
privileged to know.
most of what humans say seems very short sighted. overpopulation concerns, end of the world concerns. have the looked at how big this place is? have they looked around themselves at all?


one might wonder how to interpret all this. and there isnt really any way to do it. its weeks of nonsense condensed into one powerful dose. the world has undergone an inconceivable number of changes since then.

so its better just to express the current state:
its sunny and cool outside; the hills look beautiful, the town is moving below me. and i spend all of my time working on a problem most likely unsolvable. it keeps my head busy, because if my head idles for even a moment, it immediately begins to speculate that the distance between you and i is growing. call it a metric, because its not the standard euclidean distance that most people are familiar with in the daily lives. this distance need nothing to do with physical reality, or at least not spatial distances as we often think.

well, i fucked that up.
okay, try again, plain english. but it should be direct, not passive. assertive. ill remember. ill write it down. ill call. ill talk.