we will WHISPER instead of YELLING(!)

i know enough to understand that someone knows way more than i do.
i thought it was a creative pressure valve, but its more like a dump valve.
does it make any sense to say i am starving, but have no appetite?

i dreamed i was playing tag. freeze tag. and tom was there. and i panicked when four or so guys were teaming up to chase me down, so i froze, and when the two guys closest missed, i still stood there. then i gasped for breath, just a little, and woke up.

as i decend back into the woodwork she patiently waits to be released from the marble.

"i do not wear panties, i have never worn panties, but if called upon, panties i will wear. big white house, or small delicate european briefs."

i should get a job so i can buy things to own stuff.

the immediate sensation i receive from touching my fingers to running water is indistinguishably either hot or cold. unexpected that is.

i gone done and did it.

"but i found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. before that, i never realized how much I sought other people's approval. once i figured that out, i was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings." -Demetri Martin

attention is not recognition. thats important, to remember. i should be more comfortable with recognition than with attention. but i view nearly everything as being unimpressive anyway.


using differential equations to understand people

k is for countertransference

ha, so i just saw a book titled, "everything you know about sex is wrong" but since i dont really know anything about sex i dont see how that could possibly be true.

WE MUST RETHINK OUR LOGIC, RETHINK OUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE UNIVERSE. it must be developed off of the base of truths we have learned through quantum probing. for instance, the uncertainty principle should be understood to be the correct working of things, NOT the classical concept of theoretically infinitely precise instruments. i intend to understand this better than anyone you will ever meet.

the ß is actually a ligature, used in german still, it represents 'long s over short s', long s ( ∫ )has disappeared from german however.

yeah, im really smart, but only because people have defined smart in a way that gives me an advantage. to be honest, im probably more stupid than most people. thats how cynthia could call me both the smartest and dumbest person she ever met.

hmmm, i seem to be drinking a lot of water recently. maybe ive got a leak somewhere. or maybe im retaining water! oh my god im pregnant!

i just got the advice to "use cliches" which is probably really good advice for me.

dear Miss Potassium Carbonate: what do i do? the gourd is dying!, right before my eyes!. it is a sadness i cannot bare.

i have described this to many people, but never so clearly: "ketamine acts by blocking the receptor for the neurotransmitter glutamate. glutamate is released in abundance when brain cells die, and if it weren't blocked, the glutamate overload would cause other brain cells to die as well. in the presence of excess glutamate, the brain releases its own glutamate receptor blocker to defend itself; and it is these blockers dr. jansen (amongst others) hypothesize as the cause of many [near death experiences]."

how is it that we speak of the 'age of the universe' when time itself is known to be so highly dependent on the frame of reference? could that be used to explain inflation?

"do they experience love? they have those symptoms." did you consciously choose your beliefs? do people with beliefs, normally have reasons? why do people believe in god?

is love the last belief i can have?
interesting question, can i be comfortable being in love, and enjoying love, and valuing... love, while still being very aware of its illusionary status? or maybe clearer: while still feeling very confident that love is merely an evolutionary illusion.
is it possible to believe in something, and value it, while still feeling, in fact believing, that it might as well be factually false, that the something you believe in is simply non-existant? i am uncomfortable with my beliefs! i downright want to believe in love, and i enjoy it, and... to some degree, perhaps not as much as i would like, or need to, i trust love. but i am confident, to a degree most would call 'knowledge', that love is just an illusion. how bizarre.

people sometimes blame science for suffering. they seem to interpret the application of scientific knowledge in the creation of weapons technology as being the result, or even possibly the direct intention of scientific investigation. but it isnt. and i would like to point out, you never hear of scientists blowing themselves up. getting in gun fights. taking over buildings, countries, governments. you never hear scientists promote violence for scientific reasons. scientists are people, and so they may do the horrible things people do. but as scientists, they are solely concerned with science (or should be), and they have no place for politics or beliefs as silly as religion.

if you love someone, you should be willing to allow them to travel 26 light years distant. and if they come back to you, then i clearly dont understand physics yet (unless you just age an extra fifty years). although i already knew that i suppose.

im acting like a... hysterical person.

hysterically happy
hysterically sad
hysterically afraid
plagued by a sense of curiosity.


k is for Counterfeit; k is not for Counterfeit

what i am i am not.

fee mail-box?
meanings change so quick.

ask yourself if you are happy and you cease to be so.

"did you know that you actually have to burp babies? its not an option." –Kevin Seymour

these ducks dont understand fluid dynamics.

DO NOT get caught up in concerns. instead, get entertained by the process.

i wonder if my search for information and answers is equivalent to those people who spend a long time searching for god, or answers to lifes questions.

unfortunately, i do not have the pleasure of choosing what i ignore. but there was a time in which i felt confident that i could convince myself of anything. that should be useful.

more elaborate designs will not save you. YOU MUST KEEP MOVING! YOU MUSTNT STOP! NOTHING STOPS MOVING! NOTHING STOPS. orbits only work because of motion. i wouldnt want to crash now would i? i got paranoid. this paranoid state of mind demands too much blood; it strains an already stressed heart.

today [11·18·06] in the car on the way home from boston, i saw the biggest X ive ever seen.
"im very attracted to you; and no, im not calling you fat." and i dont just dont just mean dont just mean physically. as superficial as can be, id still be happy blind. blindly happy. happy in thought. happy in ideas. ecstatic for concept; ecstatic for souls. and i dont usually let myself be so certain.

"I shall be as little vague as I know how to be if I am to employ the English language"
–Bertrand Russell
i wonder, does it appear that the uncertainty principle has something in common with relativistic lack of simultaneity? i think ive wondered that before, but now i ask as Russell speaks of vagueness and precision in reality versus words. it interests me again.

and now, for once, something of value:

i wish i could write Music in Words. whole Orchestrated pieces. and emotions and states of mind and feelings. everything to be human. i feel scarcly human.

my mom asked me if i believe love exists, and i changed the subject. she asked me if i believed in love, and i changed the subject; its not that i dont believe in love. im not really sure what that means even. but i am comfortable saying: i look at what people seem to indicate love is, and i believe that it is something i feel very strongly; i hope i am finding ways to express that.

i told my mom last night that i am a strict physicalist. i told her i define existence as something you could place in a box of finite size, with some reasonably definite location.
she asked me if i believe love exists, and i changed the subject.

i need to talk to people much smarter than myself about this. its the only way for me to ever know what i think.


so ill have to stop that.

a boy who loves everybody
meets a girl who everybody loves

im peeling my eyes, and i will keep them that way.
i am far too good at following directions. i hold them too highly.

these terms all seem to be from game theory. i like them all:
fictitious play
best response
reinforcement learning
zero sum
absorbing states
the multi-armed bandit (also the k-armed bandit)
---(why k? because K is for COUNTER)
common bandit strategies
semi-uniform strategies
ah ha! the stag hunt, also known as the assurance game, coordination game, and trust dilemma. this game describes my reasoning for trusting people, and caring for human kind, to some degree. it is an important analogy for social cooperation, they say.

in dynamical systems an attractor is a set to which the system evolves after a long enough time.
absorbing state redirected me to attractor.
solution concept
---where the conditions are met
pure strategy

"perpetual sunshine" to put on a t-shirt for radithor. and on the back of the shirt will be an ad for the prostate warmer.

there is nothing we can do
the needs of the many
the needs of the few.

"the weight of the blue one.
"satisfying to pick up.
"satisfying to look at.
"all around satisfying tile.
show me your tiles.

so then i write, right here near the bottom, that ive expressed once again, nothing of value; nothing of use. except maybe this. yes, this statement is clear. honest. expressive. but ultimately a copout. maybe next time.

loving everyone isnt much different than loving no one.


peculiar habits of humility

"if you come up with an insolvable problem, you ignore it and hope it goes away." -Dr Abernathy

i believe, now, that it is the propogation of the misconception that we actually understand what is going on classically, that hangs people up in the acceptance of quantum mechanics. we never really knew what was going on, we just had crude approximations that fit reasonably well with our very crude senses and measures.

my candy corn actually has printed on it "made in mexico". i just got the advice: "courage!" monstrous things. how many days would corey's (or mine) door have to stay shut before one of us opened it to check the other was still alive? insanely rational? rationally insane? i love to picture your grin. i love to picture your smirk. produced her in black and white.

bernard called me: "betrayer of the nocturnal people."

the superconducting supercollider. physicists need to find some new adjectives.
the fish is always the last to notice the water.
we are not monsters, but we are thoroughly extremist in our demonstration.

apache chief died. sadly, this is about the extent of my commemorations for him.

by the seat of my pants. i think i may have fallen in.... is that okay? i am afraid. i got paranoid for a moment, but that moment has passed. i dont know what comes next. this world is new to me. remember to breathe!

i think the terms 'right' and 'wrong' are very damaging to people. children especially. i think my life is severely crippled by my concepts of right and wrong.

and so when she asks me, "what are you waiting for?": instant panic. suddenly the question falls out of focus, i am certain it either means, 'what is the object which motivates your patience? ' or 'what is the condition/signal that will allow you to proceed?'. either way its not what she meant, and it wasnt even important, but i cant let my head break that much. everett mentioned charlie. i must take caution to not become charlie.

physics is all about forces of attraction and repulsion. about the balance and struggle of opposing forces.
it is so lonely to think: nothing can ever touch anything else.
it is so lonely to think; nothing can ever touch anything else.


practice with coach

new favorite phrases:
naive decision theory!
all rational players will play defect
common knowledge (logic)
fictitious play.
ambiguity aversion.

i cannot foresee a situation in which i would not enjoy a phone call from a Miss. or, stated without negations: within my imagination, all situations for which i have so far foreseen result in enjoyment when perchance a phone call is received from a Miss. (Miss potassium carbonate that is).

it is interesting how the levels of negation the english language has developed are not the same as the levels of negation in basic arithmetic. for instance, to say: 'i cannot think of a situation in which i would not enjoy your company' is not the same as 'i can think of a situation in which i would enjoy your company'. just because i 'cancelled' the negations does not imply equivalency. although it has been a long time since i have studied formal logic, and perhaps i am translating the statments incorrectly.

this is not the end of the world; this is only a test.

i just had another epiphany! which, since its the second time today, probably implies that something is wrong with the part of my brain that determines the value of a thought or new idea.
this idea was about how electricity and water are often compared closely by analogy, to help one be understood through the other. the main difference seems to be that electricity can induce a magnetic field that influences the flow of electricity, as where water has no analogous attribute. i wonder if electricity has anything analogous to the highly influential attribute of turbulence in water.
it seems that insights into one may provide insights into the other. hence the theory of either phenomena must not be too far behind or ahead of the other phenomena.

too cold if you do that.

"Science alone of all the subjects contains within itself the lesson of the danger of belief in the infallibility of the greatest teachers of the preceding generation." –Richard Feynman

so first i was thinking about how the concept of a photon, to me, does not seem all that difficult to explain, in terms of not being in the atom before emission. and i wonder if it is due to the familiarity of concepts such as sound waves and lasers and focused sound waves and laser pulses, which make it very clear to me that you can have a small little 'particle' of something which does not really exist, in the sense that a basketball or a ferrari exist. second, i was just thinking about feynmans definition of science, about evolution and the rate at which individuals learning influenced our collective knowledge and so on, and i realized it makes an excellent argument for social cooperation, for trusting and respecting others, strangers and all. it makes excellent arguments for peace and teamwork and all sorts of basic things i think everyone should know.

i said, "kiss me, youre beautiful. these are truly the last days"

says im good. its cause i have such an excellent coach to pracitce with. maybe practice isnt the right word. it implies a sense of temporariness, it implies too little significance, it implies nothing of the value i hold for it.
said girls fall in love faster than boys.

i guess the problem of me has become this: i cannot express myself in any way that feels too typical. and so the typical expressions seen by people, expressions of emotions or feelings, desires and dreams, wants and needs, are omitted. and it makes me feel not human. which attracts attention sometimes. and it fails to express the human things that humans want that humans need. it does not communicate me well. i must stop it.