a very neat monster

saw cloverfield.
made me motion sick.
which isnt that common for me.
kind of pissed me off.

invent intervent
what does rational mean?

it would be easier just to be someone else.

the energy transfer that resulted from our paths crossing, or more colliding, was incredible. no it wasnt. but its a neat phrasing.

im sorry, but i cant hold on. it works much better if i let it, drag me around.
im sorry if ive been losing ground. it works much better if i let it, drag me around.

i find the phrase 'cotton socks' oddly pleasing.

underneath the Salix babylonica

"if im just a collection of learned behaviors, bits and pieces... maybe my new friend is right, maybe i am a fraud."

from the point of view of light, is the universe static? nothing is moving? but that implies some sort of simultaneity it seems. i must be missing something. it does seem like... whoa, wait. a high speed observer sees everyone else's clocks tick slow? or fast... slow. but then when they return, theyd be much younger? less ticking?
okay, another thought was... shit. gone forever now.
oh wait, i remember. i thought this the other day first. relativity makes sense because it removes the possibility of a preferential reference frame, which is implied by newtonian physics and invariance of light. so i was wondering if my intuition of the following is true. intuitively (unfortunately intuition can be a damaging influence to scientific pursuits), it seems that (Einsteinian) relativity is required to remove some preferential aspects of the universe that remained in Galiean relativity. and that a universe constructed as Newton conceived it would suffer from better and worse positions (the mediocrity principle, or Copernican principles fit my intuition; i take it too far with the belief the universe ought to be infinite in time and space). though maybe, there is just some sort of complexity difference that results in switching from Newton to Einstein, and so as a result the old ideas would generate a new privilege which modern relativity refutes.

"humans are not privileged observers of the universe"

god was in the details.

"what are you supposed to say to the guy whos effing your wife while youre in jail?"

i know i can learn to kill this. if thats what i want to do. will i still be human afterwards, or is that the only thing left?
i wouldnt say i enjoy isolation. but i cant say i dont either.

weeds made me want to become a suburban mom drug dealer.
now dexter makes me wish my nonexistent sister would introduce me to a very psychologically broken women with kids. a trauma victim.

human trafficking

"i so want to maul you right now."

i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time.
okay, so i was thinking about how feynman said to remember that nature does not view its parts as independent, but rather as one. this view fits so well.... first as phenomena, then as pieces and parts, of a thing. then things like entanglement start to take on different meanings, and suspicions of some super-condensensed expression, a theory of everything.

is it conceivable that we can understand a problem but not be able to solve it, even though it is solvable? by 'we' i mean 'humans as a species given our time and space resources'.

"score one for the little wooden boy."

the problem in science is that you should always work as if you dont know, and you may never know, what is happening. this principle annihilates credibility when applied to an authority. so we have to present our ideas as if they were fact, when in reality they are just our current tentative understanding. but as oppenheimer said, whats true today must be true tomorrow. and so for the most part, our theories are very rarely toppled, and more often just refined by their predecessors.

"my life has always been a sequence of carefully planned moments. but sometimes you just have to take a risk."
do you interpret that as, "couldnt resist risking it" or "was forced to take a risk"?

does it make sense to speak about time and space from a photon's perspective? because it seems like a photon would see no time at all, nor space really. but in that case, it should leave its origin and arrive at its destination at the same exact time, in the same exact space. but if that were the case, how could two photons interfere with one another? also, if it is correct to view the photon as traversing its path without aging, then it should also look like the entire universe is a flat plane, perpendicular to the direction the photon travels in, and the entire path of the photon through spacetime is just a single point on the plane.
it seems like this view would have implications for entanglement. as well as insights into things like the double slit experiment. but i cant really decide if its even valid to think this.

"i can kill a man, dismember his body, and be home in time for letterman. but knowing what to say when my girlfriend's feeling insecure, im totally lost."

the angels in your palm, sing gentle worried songs. and the sweetness of our dreams, like mountains made of steam.

oh yeah, notes to self:

'sticks and stones' and 'actions speak louder than words' are equivalent. but both are merely sayings!
lifestyle culprits = vindication! "the mind-body link appears to work both ways" DUH! thats pretty fucking obvious if you think about it... my mind obviously controls my body, and my body obviously supports and maintains my mind (physically). but regardless of their stupidity, the medical world is finally moving in a sensical direction. this all has to do with clinical depression. US News - depression, Dec 24 '07. cognative behavioral therapy sounds interesting too. think i can train my mind to limit my thinking of a particular sore subject for no more than 15 minutes a day? its a very huge challenge.

we ought to sell insurance insurance. in case your insurance company tries to short change you.
are people constantly discovering that the church is a fraud, but not having anything to take its place? cause the world is an exciting place to me, and i think that makes the church seem useless in the first place.

im not sitting still anymore.

use GP on Navier-Stokes. DO IT NOW!

dont worry, were improving our chances of a good story more than a bad day.

self-fulfilling prophecy
"The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning."
self-fulfilling prophetess

please believe in gentle dreams. the sweetness, of people, whistling in their sleep.

wink more often.
i wanted to want something.

more 'before i die' items for the list: slap multiple people with one swing, and have a bottle broken over my head.

i am the result of a very internalized lifestyle. though this blog would suggest otherwise.

i tend to dance all night with her hand on my ass instead of making a move.

newsweek 1·28·08, pg 49: " 'eventually our reasoning centers will devlop more control over our emotional ones,' says Lahn. 'that would make for more rational, tolerant beings.' "
cool. though i tend to think i am too rational and tolerant. but apparently that means im evolved! seriously though, its not working for me. maybe im a prototype.

i dont like the phrase 'my body'. it implies ownership. it is me. not 'mine'.

"He continues, ‘the preliminary answer which this little book will endeavor to expound and establish can be summarized as follows: the obvious inability of present-day physics and chemistry to account for such events is no reason at all for doubting that they can be accounted for by those scientists.’ "

troubled hearts map deserts, and they rarely do come back.

it all seemed so easy. the way that things should be.

yesterday my dad told me not to be too honest. i wish he had said that to me 20 years ago.


sipping fire off her breath

most people seem to think that i am a unique thinker. but then why do they assume they understand me? why do they assume they can relate to me? in their defense, i have the exact same problem (read; habit).

communication is unfortunately not unambiguous. or in the more amusing words of karl popper, "it is impossible to speak in such a way as to not be misunderstood."

im going to coin the use of the word 'brackish' for the boundary between mathematics and physics, which grows ever more turbulently mixed.

i need to publish a paper with it. ha ha, right.

im going to trick myself into never getting comfortable with anything. ill vary which shoes i wear between worn out ones and new shoes. ill have people drug me and shave me unexpectedly.

people think i am cautious, but how can one not be, once awareness of a past and future are established? caution may be the only action by which we can take control of the future. this isnt something ive thought before, or even think now really. for some reason i just felt like arguing for it. it seemed right at first, but as i typed it out and developed it in my head, sharp criticisms were being cooked up elsewhere in my brain: "is it necessary to control the future? couldnt it be more interesting to work against control of the future?", "the ultimate goal of an intelligence capable of solving any problem (tractable, really, even an omnipotent god would have to obey computational complexity laws), would be to try to generate problems which it (or anyone else) cannot solve". though i just made that up too. and i forgot what i was going to write half way through it, but then somehow i got that other idea in there, connected sort of, and i decided to keep it there (because due to our discovery of both the halting problem and just problems that are intractable in the practical sense, we have reached our ultimate achievements; we are beginning to put limits on mathematics!

hmmm, yeah, i need to

you can either have a (possibly equal) part in the decision, or i can decide for myself.

i hate this planet, and everything hateable that might be in it's vicinity.

ive thought about this in the past, but i wonder again: how 'random' could a 3d density of points be while still avoiding olber's paradox? or better yet, could you distribute the points in such a way that most points would not have an olber's pardox issue? ( i mean, from anywhere in the 'universe', not a single place, olber's paradox fails). under what conditions does this occur? need to measure the angular distance blocked by a given star at a given distance... seems like a convergence issue.

come out and play.
dont get lost in your thought.

"when we return: why you might be uglier than you think"
"thats what the cavity search robot said this morning at the office"
"why would they, turn against us? it doesnt make any sense, were the ones who created them. or the uh, at least the alpha model."
"among mail voters, 19% could see sitting down with her, and throwing lit matches at each other."


what might we learn by examining the. whoa, i remember forgetting what i was talking ago as i wrote that last night.

i want to have an eyepatch before i die.
i want to strangle a grown man to death with my bare hands before i die.
i had another good one the other day, but alas i have forgotten it.

TOCTOO (tock too)

"phase out the bacon!"
-Julie Mason

smart butter; if your butter gets smart, id slap it around.
bonsai. banzai.
this story takes place after the story.
interpret it how you will, thats why it was written that way. or at least thats how i interpreted it.
virtual earth
virtual ground
embarrassingly parallel problems
reconfigurable computing
cluster computing

sipping fire off her breath,
and whatll i do?
it takes a lot to catch my eyes. but it happens.
this is not working at all.


calibrate your morals

i wake up at six thirty. doesnt matter, night or day, six thirty.

ill make a monster of me yet.

i think i might be insensitive. isnt that what you think? you worthless shitheads!
ive been trying to figure out what my problem is, im starting to figure it out.
im arrogant, ignorant of other peoples feelings, insensitive, maybe not. im probably pretty sensitive to other people. in some ways. i dont know. im still not human. gotta work harder.

the width of the line that separates drugging your mind enough to think, and drugging your mind too much to walk, is very narrow.

in high school i began to wonder, how might one go about differentiating between premature enlightenment and the real thing? and i decided that one cannot effectively differentiate between the two. armed with this knowledge, one could choose to behave in any way one wished in reaction to the sensation of enlightenment. more to the point, the concept of enlightenment seems to imply some sort of special internal evolution of understanding. awe crap, i hate this, its stupid.

are interest rates simply a supply/demand interaction of a good/service? in which case, demand is high when people have debt, and so interest rates go up. and if everyone were saving their money, interest rates would plummet because no one would need to borrow.

well, i understand better, but not completely: The Broken Window Fallacy

im learning to make decisions without thinking. so i can be human. a real boy.
paper ring.
stop convincing yourself that you know what you want.

consciousness is nothing more than the observation of thought processes. since it is itself a thought process, it can extremely complicated consequences.

from Donald Knuth's webpage:
Germany ... today, clung round by demons, a hand over one eye, with the other staring into horrors, down she flings from despair to despair. When will she reach the bottom of the abyss? When, out of uttermost hopelessness --- a miracle beyond the power of belief --- will the light of hope dawn? A lonely man folds his hands and speaks: ``God be merciful to thy poor soul, my friend, my Fatherland!''
-- Thomas Mann, Dr. Faustus (1947, written in 1945)
      [excerpts from chapter 33 and the epilogue]

i really like the phrases:
"clung round by demons"
"a hand over one eye, with the other staring into horrors."
"from despair to despair"

youre heart is a strange little orange to peel.

can one be too intelligent to blame? or to resent?
or perhaps not intelligent enough to blame or resent?

cover of tim buckley's buzzin fly, with a girl singing? ah ha! kathryn williams!

i hate humans. maybe because i so badly long to become one.
and you told me not to follow you.

i think my favorite complexity class might be NC. at least at the moment.

it seems ive learned to set an alarm to remind myself to stop what im doing and eat. once again, intelligence has solved one of the problems it has created.

i should write myself lots of reminders; remind myself i made lunch the night before, remind myself to switch the leftovers from dinner to the freezer, to go grocery shopping. to eat. to sleep.

oh hey, i was thinking we could use the question: why dont you _____? where "_____" is replaced with some crime. i see three main answers immediately: "because it is wrong", "because i will get in trouble" and "because it is socially unacceptable". to say "because it is wrong" would seem to imply your own internal morals, as if you wish to avoid mental anguish, while "because i will get in trouble" would imply fear of punishment, avoiding physical pain. and "because it is socially unacceptable" could suggest more a fear of displeasing/discomforting others. though, as i read over all this, i see how the lines ive drawn are quite fuzzy and could all be transformed into one another. though i am wondering now what other things could fill in the blank, besides crime... could you substitute anything that you wont/dont do?
or maybe they could be defined in relation to moral/amoral/immoral.
so i guess i dont know what im talking about at all probably.

ive almost solved the cylinder problem.
and tonight i made spahgetti with meat sauce for the first time ever.

i thought of a slogan, now i need to invent the product: its like steroids for your brain!
double or nothing

learn without learning. feel without feelings. know without knowing. try without trying.
look but dont touch.
touch but dont look.
but im afraid i told a lie.

if you show off the milk, whos gonna buy the cow?

lets compete for our criminal boldness.

because loving everybody isnt any different than loving nobody.


a lifetime of temporary relief

"For some reason, positronium is important. Positronium tends to show up in one form or another at least once in each exam. If you miss the positronium question on your practice exams, brush up on positronium and why it’s important pedagogically (i.e. reduced mass, how its energy spectrum differs from hydrogen, etc.)."

i need to get used to the idea that after i have read something, i tend to remember it. rather than leaving all these various papers open and ideas and rereading them. though it is quite possible (maybe even likely) that my good memory for these things is a direct result of leaving them open and rereading them often.

it just slips away

"and i thought
be still my heart"
"i just wanna go to hell my way."
"i want something good to die for
to make it beautiful to live"
"we're busting out"
"this is the last breath i can spare"


i heart mirah
significant wave height
anecdotal evidence

the nipples of mother hope have run dry.

though i really love the word 'catastrophe', i think my favorite name here is the great oxidation.

to the point of disgust.

this is what i need to learn next

its like a bad dream, where you just cannot get to where you are going.

bad habits without consequences are hard to quit.

i need to be provoked.
because i stood still.
im too smart to forget.
smart enough to re-justify it forever.
and not smart enough to fix it.


die trying or try dying

i hate how the winter holds me prisoner in my room.
i dont want to go outside to go grocery shopping
or to work
or to anything else really for that matter.
it doesnt help that my room is at a steady 78-82 degrees.

i like these two new years resolutions from asofterworld:
"I resolve to climb out of this ditch. I resolve to live through the night. "

"my wife saw 'my love' tattooed on my thigh, asked if it was for her. and i began to lie."

cody has his ducks in a row
cody placed all his eggs in the basket; dont tell the insurance company.


its not my fault that my brain works this way. or maybe it is.

one apple, two apples, three apples...

"complete disorder is impossible" (T. S. Motzkin).

creationists presidential candidates (an embarrassment to the accomplishments of evolution):
sam brownback
tom tancredo
mike huckabee

i suddenly have a strong desire to try cooking. like actual cooking. this is new to me. i dont think ive ever had that urge. and i feel like i should look for a job that will make me very happy and give me the time to do things like experiment with cooking. is this what follows drugs?

home is where i am

information entropy
yum orange planet
ooooo!!! i should print this
"Toward a statistical mechanics of four letter words"
the hydra game havent read

heh heh, "It seems that there is a Chronology Protection Agency which prevents the appearance of closed timelike curves and so makes the universe safe for historians.", said Stephen Hawking

though i dont understand this completely, i do have a surprisingly good grasp of what theyre saying:
The no cloning theorem prevents superluminal communication via quantum entanglement, as cloning is a sufficient condition for such communication. Consider the EPR thought experiment, and suppose quantum states could be cloned. Assume parts of a maximally entangled Bell state are distributed to Alice and Bob. Alice could send bits to Bob in the following way: If Alice wishes to transmit a "0", she measures the spin of her electron in the z direction, collapsing Bob's state to either |z+> (sub B) or |z-> (sub B). To transmit "1", Alice does nothing to her qubit. Bob creates many copies of his electron's state, and measures the spin of each copy in the z direction. Bob will know that Alice has transmitted a "0" if all his measurements will produce the same result; otherwise, his measurements will have outcomes +1/2 and -1/2 with equal probability. This would allow Alice and Bob to communicate across space-like separations, potentially violating causality.
in fact, at this point i understand virtually all of it. though i have never quite seen why superluminal communication across space-like intervals could violate causality.
i just finally discovered (and understood, i think) why super-luminal travel would violate causality! ah ha! i finally get it! because different valid reference frames could observe different orders of effects in space-like separated intervals! and i guess its even easily illustrated through the lack of simultaneity implied by special relativity.
"Note, this is NOT a matter of when light gets to an observer, it is NOT an optical illusion. It is due to the fact that, in SR, the question of what occurs at the "same time as" something else is observer dependent."

perk or punishment?

so i guess im pretty sure (and have been for a while), that im supposed to think of photons as going everywhere. as all photons going everywhere. and then they just interfere with themselves.

i think what really bugs me the most about the whole idea of wormholes is not so much the implications, but more the actual mechanics of it; all laymans descriptions rely on an additional spatial dimension in which the familiar dimensions are folded, allowing two distant points to be closer to one another.

chronology protection conjecture.

i should make a shirt with a cool circuit diagram on it.

gravitational heating?
the inner core
heres an idea: calculate out (roughly) the force due to friction between the inner core and the mantle, and see if its reasonable for that to occur, based on the angular momentum of the two separate 'pieces'.
also, really we have a total available energy (due to the angular motion), and a total consuming energy (must generate the magnetic field, must drag the moon with the tides, and must overcome this friction). though also we would expect that if the Kevin-Helmholtz mechanism added to it then as the earth 'settles' it would increase its angular speed, hiding the effects of 'the consumption of its angular momentum'.

things to do: get SS card
find new job
go to dentist (Jan 18)
call doctor/visit
get dental/medical card from maureen?
vote? tuesday?
get oil change
learn: pdftricks

now we want to be hated.


hearts artificial

happy you near.

ive got that much ego to spend.
if youre interested.

quick, everyone, out of the universe!
do you know the difference? i dont.

shine on.
shine on.

"If we lose, then what the hell, at least we died trying."

i dont know where to go anymore.

"i dont want to get too close, its not healthy. dont touch me, its not helping ...at all"

shed be the drug to let me dream in my sleep

rush no rush

degrees of freedom
entrance pupil
phase space
D'Alembert's principle
antonym: gravitas

god leaned over to me and said, "hey dont blame me, i didnt make that fucking rule".
what do you mean, of course god swears. you know, if anything, god doesnt do anything else other than swear.

all day long im under ground.

did i put beta function up here last time?
i dont get it
perhaps perhaps perhaps
ha ha ha

someday maybe ill even understand this. wait a minute: is it justified for me to view a certain romance in studying the heart? or would most people see this a failure?

do the robot
this is going to be great
oddly pretty.

"she tried to blow up the computer factory"

be needed.