calibrate your morals

1·10·08
i wake up at six thirty. doesnt matter, night or day, six thirty.

ill make a monster of me yet.

i think i might be insensitive. isnt that what you think? you worthless shitheads!
ive been trying to figure out what my problem is, im starting to figure it out.
im arrogant, ignorant of other peoples feelings, insensitive, maybe not. im probably pretty sensitive to other people. in some ways. i dont know. im still not human. gotta work harder.

1·11·08
the width of the line that separates drugging your mind enough to think, and drugging your mind too much to walk, is very narrow.

in high school i began to wonder, how might one go about differentiating between premature enlightenment and the real thing? and i decided that one cannot effectively differentiate between the two. armed with this knowledge, one could choose to behave in any way one wished in reaction to the sensation of enlightenment. more to the point, the concept of enlightenment seems to imply some sort of special internal evolution of understanding. awe crap, i hate this, its stupid.

are interest rates simply a supply/demand interaction of a good/service? in which case, demand is high when people have debt, and so interest rates go up. and if everyone were saving their money, interest rates would plummet because no one would need to borrow.

well, i understand better, but not completely: The Broken Window Fallacy

im learning to make decisions without thinking. so i can be human. a real boy.
paper ring.
stop convincing yourself that you know what you want.

consciousness is nothing more than the observation of thought processes. since it is itself a thought process, it can extremely complicated consequences.

from Donald Knuth's webpage:
Germany ... today, clung round by demons, a hand over one eye, with the other staring into horrors, down she flings from despair to despair. When will she reach the bottom of the abyss? When, out of uttermost hopelessness --- a miracle beyond the power of belief --- will the light of hope dawn? A lonely man folds his hands and speaks: ``God be merciful to thy poor soul, my friend, my Fatherland!''
-- Thomas Mann, Dr. Faustus (1947, written in 1945)
      [excerpts from chapter 33 and the epilogue]

i really like the phrases:
"clung round by demons"
"a hand over one eye, with the other staring into horrors."
"from despair to despair"

youre heart is a strange little orange to peel.

can one be too intelligent to blame? or to resent?
or perhaps not intelligent enough to blame or resent?

cover of tim buckley's buzzin fly, with a girl singing? ah ha! kathryn williams!

i hate humans. maybe because i so badly long to become one.
and you told me not to follow you.

i think my favorite complexity class might be NC. at least at the moment.

it seems ive learned to set an alarm to remind myself to stop what im doing and eat. once again, intelligence has solved one of the problems it has created.

i should write myself lots of reminders; remind myself i made lunch the night before, remind myself to switch the leftovers from dinner to the freezer, to go grocery shopping. to eat. to sleep.

oh hey, i was thinking we could use the question: why dont you _____? where "_____" is replaced with some crime. i see three main answers immediately: "because it is wrong", "because i will get in trouble" and "because it is socially unacceptable". to say "because it is wrong" would seem to imply your own internal morals, as if you wish to avoid mental anguish, while "because i will get in trouble" would imply fear of punishment, avoiding physical pain. and "because it is socially unacceptable" could suggest more a fear of displeasing/discomforting others. though, as i read over all this, i see how the lines ive drawn are quite fuzzy and could all be transformed into one another. though i am wondering now what other things could fill in the blank, besides crime... could you substitute anything that you wont/dont do?
or maybe they could be defined in relation to moral/amoral/immoral.
so i guess i dont know what im talking about at all probably.

ive almost solved the cylinder problem.
and tonight i made spahgetti with meat sauce for the first time ever.

i thought of a slogan, now i need to invent the product: its like steroids for your brain!
double or nothing

learn without learning. feel without feelings. know without knowing. try without trying.
look but dont touch.
touch but dont look.
but im afraid i told a lie.

if you show off the milk, whos gonna buy the cow?

lets compete for our criminal boldness.



because loving everybody isnt any different than loving nobody.