said without pause

tiny defects
as smaller. and prettier.
what the hell was i supposed to do?

have we found the problem with photons viewing the universe with (nearly) no time or space? could we also view the orientation (polarization) of the photon as a result of the space that it has travelled through? the way line integrals accumulate according to the field they run through?
eh, this is a dumb idea.

crap. i need to be around smarter people again, to help put me in place, make me feel dumber. working hard forward rather than treading. really i mean people who can challenge my strengths, mathematics and physics. or they will just soften and die. like any other skill left unpracticed.

something to do with the amount of resources required to prove something falls into a specific complexity class. or other aspects of the class. for instance, it seems that a proof that p=np would be as difficult as an np problem. no, thats not right. im fucking something up again.

a paper ring
go outside and look up, wherever you are.

there was a lunar eclipse last night. i photographed it. i also saw the largest meteorite ive ever seen, by far. it was brighter
than a low flying airplane, and moving many times faster than even a low flying jet would, though far away. it lasted for less than a second, and broke into pieces and promptly went dark, near, though above the tree line. it was right after i left work, in my car.

compulsive or impulsive?

as truth or heresy

"Hitherto the people attracted to philosophy have been mostly those who loved the big generalizations, which were all wrong, so that few people with exact minds have taken up the subject." -Russell
i like the term "exact minds"

tshirt idea (probably had it before)
stuff from wargames (the map), and some phrase.

i know this is really fucked up, but imagine that you researched a whole bunch of missing persons cases in a given city and timeframe, and then you wrote a book from the perspective of the abductor, describing his actions and the fate of his victims. and then you published anonymously. imagine the fallout that could come from such an event!
i would much prefer to write a book about all this happening fictitiously.

how do we first learn words? we could do it visually or audibly, by showing the child pictures with the words, or sounds with the words. are there other ways? is it better to be predominately one way or the other?

and if i have to, ill just pretend for you.
not even in the movies.
the archetype of self restraint.

wait a second, is computation the link between spacetime and energy? with the speed of light as a limit?

write it down. type it up.

memory almost seems like the result of doing something out in your head 'the long way' or something. i dont know, i must be going crazy; more and more of the things i write dont make sense.

ive decided to make myself autistic. im going to learn and practice the doomsday algorithm religiously, sacrifice whatever remaining social life i have, and continue to soak up useless information and mental algorithms.

find me your confidant
find me
-your confidant

coup d'état
im only dead on the inside.

and i guessthis too.

blank books
"ubiquitous but maddeningly elusive"
just like you just like me


silent gangsters

string theory in two minutes or less winner

ha ha ha: "such nonsense is very entertaining to professors like me." -Feynman. p187, Lectures on computation

the weirdest part of all this, is the ease i have in assuming i am well understood. it is unexpected, every rediscovery of these inhibiting aspects of my personality. i just always assumed i was being perfectly clear.

ah, well, that makes sense: "It is not necessarily caused by an inability to imagine an answer, but is often due to not being able to gather enough information to work out which of the many possible answers is correct."
this is why i 'dont make a move' when i suspect a girl likes me (who i also like).

poorly conceived

hmmm, could we construct a 'truly analog' computer? one where it actually had a completely continuous range of values, and could effectively represent all rational numbers exactly? is this even possible in theory? all of the devices we use to measure the universe have some 'fundamental discreteness' to them; rulers are made of atoms, the precision of clocks are limited to their ticking rate. but, we could use directions in space to represent various values, and 'direction' does not seem quantizable.

this is an awesome name for a group: association for symbolic logic.

try a crayon if you want to be really creative.

so is (P vs NP) in NP? stupid self-referential questions!

"in practice, this sort of thing is a lot easier with electrons and photons than with cats." -Scott Aaronson

what sort of assumptions can we make about the nature of information and discovery, when looking at examples of parallel discovery, such as RSA and Clifford Cocks, just a few years separated in all of time? it seems very dependent on foundational knowledge.

"amusingly, Grover's algorithm was proven to be optimal before it was discovered to exist!" -Scott Aaronson

if we invented a doomsday device, and not only killed ourselves with incorrect NP solutions, but also everyone else known to exist in our branch of the universe, (as well as all the other branches that actually go through with this), then NP solutions would emerge in many universes! though still not in the infinitely many that never do it this way...

like the plague i say.

i was lost, in the lakes, and the shapes, that your body makes.

when i was trying to fall asleep last night, i suddenly thought, "silent gangsters!", and had to write it down (type it up!). im not sure why i like the idea so much. i find it somehow amusing. but for no particular reason.

"Hello, I am interested in getting to know one another if that is agreeable with you."
wink wink.

why am i crushing my mind into a corner?
and how can i be so aware of this process and still not be able to stop it? or even change it?
and why are the words sinful and righteous equally cool?
it would reflect poor judgement to mention more.



the near-far problem sounds a lot cooler than it really is.
similar to the monster group

why does everything have to blow up at the same time?
"if you ask me, a cross that size is for a lord with a tiny dick."

my favorite complexity classes (so far) are NC and BQP.

should i make bumper stickers that have crosses and other religious symbols in the 'no' symbol (red circle with slash)? i could do the scientology symbol, the cross, star of david... anything for muslim/islam/mohammed?

does this poll cover all possible opinions?
1). yes.

thats what happens when you make a deal with the devil.

fool's errand

i actually think this is funny.

root-not gates! how fucking cool is that!!
a much better description is on pages 5-8 of this paper.

my computer just told me to "emphasize repetition". i dont think i should do that. or maybe i should. but my first thought is that it is a bad idea. and i dont need to be encouraged in such behavior. though i dont really know.

this one guy, Glenn Gould, "had an aversion to being touched", which has been interpreted as a sign of autistic tendencies. but see, i can tell you, ive had that aversion before, for many years, and i know that it was the result of spending many years without any physical contact; it was throughout high school. probably the reason i always had trouble trying to kiss this or that girl. i can remember very specifically snapping my foot away when Jennifer put her foot on mine in fifth grade, and then immediately wondering if she had intended to play footsies or something. i knew she liked me, and she knew i liked her. everyone always assumes this stuff comes naturally, but for me it really doesnt. i remember many instances of snapping away when someone touched me, not knowing what their intentions were, and only after my initial reaction did i begin to consider that being touched was something i wanted. but by then it was always too late. its not that i didnt like being touched, or didnt want to be touched, its almost like i just didnt know it was okay. it was so unfamiliar that my first reaction was always to end it abruptly. junior year of high school, i started to try to remedy this by talking to friends who said they would hug me on a daily basis (or is it let me hug them?). it didnt last long enough, but im sure it helped a lot.

i know it sounds very weird to say, but i know that i spent very long portions of time with no physical touch at all. i do it now too. it is very strange. it gets to the point where if someone is giving me change after i buy my lunch, and they happen to brush one or two of their fingers against my palm as they drop the change into it, my whole body reacts. my brain has to tell my body that its no big deal. i dont touch anyone. and i really mean that. i go months without a single handshake or hug. i usually hug my parents when i happen to go home and see them. i shake hands with people i meet at work every few months (outside consultant type people). but for the most part, i remain very strongly isolated from physical contact.

and this doesnt apply to only intimate relationships, i remember very specifically a boy i tutored who had been diagnosed with asperger syndrome, he would hug me, and i would feel awkward about it. i could not tell if that was appropriate behavior or not, and even worse, when i was his age, i would have thought the exact same way i do even now, in those moments, i cannot evaluate the appropriateness, im not sure why i get so caught up in that indecision. certainly right now i can see it is perfectly fine. at the moment this whole subject is so in my mind that i could probably behave (seemingly) normally even with an intimate relationship (though maybe i would get confused). its something i really need to keep in mind more readily, so when the opportunity arises to correct it, i will begin to make that correction. dammit, you have no idea how much i resent this aspect of my life. but, as you might expect, it doesnt usually cross my mind. like EP, i dont remember the things that pain me. like that thirteen year old girl, its painful to become aware of these things. this isnt something i can preserve in myself, and simultaneously live the life i want. they dont go together. it must be altered. and i suppose i have to alter it. though itd help if the person i was trying to be intimate with knew and was accordingly patient with me.

not for lack of want, mind you.


uniform noise

from an onion personals ad:
fallinginlovewithloveisfalling in love with falling.

"can you guys ship a whole body? --- we can ship anything kid."

sometimes i feel like a missing link between autism and normal people.
im wondering now if my attachment to girls that get close to me, and my lack of effort in moving on or seeking replacement, are in part due to my reluctance to try new things, or a sense of comfort with the familiar, even if the familiar has moved on.

okay, ill just be out here... listening to you pee.

what can i say, you bring out the 'fuck you' in me.

okay, im gonna go smack my kid, and then take him to a shrink.

its a shame that you let other number ones in the game.

oh, you like a little dirt in your sandwich do you?

this is important, i want to remember it:
"If a computing machine starts in a specific initial configuration (input) then the probability that after its evolution via a sequence of intermediate configurations it ends up in a specific final configuration (output)is the squared modulus of the sum of all the probability amplitudes of the computational paths that connect the input with the output."
from here.

this is kind of interesting: factoring numbers seems one way in the same way that entropy seems one way, yet on a very detailed level, factoring numbers is possible, in the same way that entropy can flow backwards on small intervals.
what reasoning leads to the irreversibility when scaling?

if you can pace me.

as much as we seem in control, or responsible for our actions, we really arent. at least not to the degree we tend to think.

things to remember (omitted)

today (15th) i was thinking, maybe my problem is the flexibility offered by the "given infinite time and space" clause. i suppose the thing that makes humans special is that given finite time and space, we can accomplish many things that other species cannot.

it is strange how centered on my visual sense i am, as well as how bad at reading body language. youd figure one would follow the other. it is not surprising that i am not the greatest listener, as i am so visually deppendent. evn with my eyes closed, quelling my visual imagination is really challenging.

a coworker/friend of mine recounted to me how his girlfriend asked if he wanted to go to a movie, only what she was really looking for is support for her going to the movie. i wonder if that has happened to me in the past? i take statements as their most basic interpretation allows; face value. it reminded me of a story i read online, written by a man who had been diagnosed with asperger syndrome, after some marriage counseling, because he didnt recognize that when his wife said, "does this dress make me look fat?" she was really saying, "can you reassure me that i look good in this dress?" the difficulty in such a situation is that the man apparently thought his wife did look good in the dress, but he did not recognize the intent behind the question.

everything is always on my mind.


keyhole control

there is no 'head' to cut off.
let me know your enormity
he walked in on what he had created and couldnt take it.
you know all the words, but you cant hear the music.
coming apart.
don't fall through the stars
heres some questions: what proportion of the world population is educated now versus fifty years ago? versus specific countries like america? how might we go about measuring these things? or defining what qualifies as educated? could we compare the relative knowledge too? could we compare the groups (edu/unedu) with respect to time? or each other?
the flynn effect peaks at this.
negative selection
for how long have i forgotten to blink?
would it make sense to find the 'frequency' of any function with curvature, at a given point? so basically, if you preserved that curvature, youd observe some periodic behavior with whatever frequency...
usually when i joke about not being human, its because i dont seem to relate too well to others. i tend to think the things most people concern themselves with are silly. i have difficulty reading people's emotions, and people apparently have trouble reading mine. but now im thinking that its a lot of other things too. a lack of appetite. whatever an antonym for need is. an all too often lack of a need for sleep, usually because my mind is so entertained or tortured by whatever is on it.
people really need to get over the idea of good and evil. its not a useful idea at all really, it just leads to problems.
i had a weird dream last night that my apartment was actually my brother & his wife's old boston apartment, i think their first apartment, near coolidge corner.
tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost, "where is the love?"
tonight, your ghost will ask my ghost, "who put these bodies between us."
and its beginning to get to me.
monstrous things
i want to destroy all my habits.
which includes working for a living i think.
"so i hear a rumor youre tracking all our internet activity. so is it true? cause, i can explain all that shemale stuff."
your mother must be so proud.
its interesting, in some sense, the prime numbers are all that is needed to construct the set of all integers (at least through multiplication). just like the fundamental particles are all thats needed to construct all physical reality... hmmm, what role would light play in the mathematics side of the interpretation? better yet (as it is a more reasonable question to expect a real answer), can you construct all the integers with exponentials?
i dont know why but all the sudden, while going to the bathroom, i understand what it means to convert from the time domain to the frequency domain, and why you would do that. and as a result i now have a much stronger than usual desire to really understand DFT and FFT sort of transforms.
"imagine, theres a gun in your face. which part of your body is expendable?" hmmm... the brain?
you always looked like a pro.

power makes you grow fangs.

the dominant subject in my brain, has been, for the last few years, and in general, for my entire life: girls.
okay, what influences might i possibly be missing, when it comes to the minds decision making abilities? there are the obvious ones: what your conscious mind wants/needs and does not want, what your instinctual mind does and does not want... are there other influences? like chemical influences? okay, now i can say this correctly: i tend to map the cause->effect relationship in mental health as cause = external (to the mind) event, and effect (internal to the mind) event. but not everyone does that. a lot of people buy into the drug adds, (and indeed it may be true), that your state of mind is caused internally, by its chemical makeup. i guess i just expect the mind to be more flexible than that... i guess i view it as responding to external influences much more significantly than bending under its own internal makeup. that pretty much sums up my skepticism in SSRIs and other depression drugs.
i love it in movies when people fire 'warning shots'.
"i agree with the second part."
whenever i accidentally allow a shot of whiskey (or rum, or tequila, or whatever else i might have taken a shot of) to go up my nose, im always really bummed out. thats not cool. that makes me never want to do shots again. which is why im typing this right now: because i want to remember why i dont want to take shots, so that i dont do it again.
holy fucking shit. can we quantify the rate at which entropy increases? probably upper bounds are a bad idea (as there is no limit to how slow it could go). but the average might be interesting. it seems as if entropy in the immediate vicinity of something complex, like life, or intelligence, might be manipulated. what i mean really is a quantification of the rate of entropy in a given volume of space. so obviously on a quantum scale, entropy could go forward or backward in specific events. but on a human scale, it could only decrease (naturally) for a moment, before increasing. it seems. gotta try thinking about this sober.
in all its glory.
do people really tend to imagine that i am not smart enough to judge my own intelligence? most people struggle just to define intelligence, how can they feel so certain they can recognize it?
fucking enlightenment. i think its probably best just to deny the reality of it: basically accept that there is no such thing as enlightenment, its just an idea we conceived of, because we can imagine such a situation where we have solved our problems. that doesnt mean such a situation can exist.
the world is not so dangerous as most people seem to think. we are all exactly human. nothing more, nothing less.
ah, cocky! thats what i need to become! ive already got the arrogance, i need to be arrogant in a bolder way.
thoughts on the education of daughters.
i wish i had those violent sort of conflicts, where everyone hurt one another.
"guns wont be necessary."
"so this is how it goes."
impulse control
deferred gratification
deferred gratification
i have way too much of these things.
doesnt it seem like there should be limits on the computational power of a given volume of space? so not only is there a limit to how much information can be stored in a given area, there is a limit to how it can evolve over time.
from Jane
this seems interesting too.

the boundaries of my loyalty are poorly understood.

maybe im not so definite. maybe somehow i cobbled together a random assortment of other [cortical potential] into a working mind. like your prom dress.

im told this man is unhappy; inconsolable grief

holy crap, Bernard just sent me something grand:
The name Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt was an inevitable afterthought. When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature- The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.

i kind of regret ending it on that note.
so ill use this instead. even though it is no better.


unsupervised learning

oh, is that what they mean by 'voices in your head'? i have that all the time. its how i think. in fact, i dont think i could write this without that.

a creative problem solver.
stronger than that.
i wish i was that smart.

wow. that was elegant. i wish i could get dumped that way. it would still suck though.
overtly resist change.

"i remember when life was easy. when the only question i worried about was whos next. now its, 'how can i dodge my protective detail'; 'what should i do with my hostage'. these are not easy questions."

i think i saw i license plate today: vsr8r, if i remember correctly. im guessing that means 'eviscerater'.

ill look forward to it.
communications the key.
the light at the end of the tunnel.
'out' and 'flaunting it', are two different things.

we never found a definite reason.
but that doesnt mean there isnt one.

dont let the future ruin you

a small collection of bad advice, bad decisions and bad ideas. with tolerable grammar.
quantify uncertainty.
were we counting up or down?
"5, 4, 3, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..."
ha ha ha, indexed: "do you want me to cut you?"

"Die Natur verbirgt ihr Geheimnis durch die Erhabenheit ihres Wesens, aber nicht durch List."
i want a girl insatiable. she is heat incarnate.

"jeff, when do you sleep?

i have found some kind of temporary sanity in this.


is innocence really lost? or do you just kind of discover it was never really there?

heres how good (too good) i am at following directions:
"if more than is used for rinsing is accidentally swallowed, contact a medical emergency or poison control center immediately"
so the first thing i would ask the person is, "did you accidentally swallow too much? or intentionally swallow too much?"

"what mistakes did you make last time?"
im not really sure still.

all of the sudden the universe is slippery again.

CPT symmetry almost makes it seem like antimatter might be moving 'backwards' in time, though that doesnt really make any sense.
now that im thinking about 'the arrow of time', im almost thinking that: time moves 'forwards' simply because the concepts of experience and memory require it to. but thats stupid. i dont think that at all.

i wish you better than your heart desires.

today i began to wonder, is it possible that i dont have a personality? i sort of feel like i pick and choose from prebuilt personalities, depending on who i am with or when or where.

Nodding donkey
wink wink nod nod

damn, i really missed the boat on this one:
"In Western cultures, women may wink to men they are interested in dating, but this has grown out of fashion, though still used occasionally. Winking is also done by men to women, often to convey a message of "I like what I see here" or "Hello, I am interested in getting to know one another if that is agreeable with you." "
actually, i just love how formally that is stated. i wish i were that awkward. half way doesnt cut it.

"to induce vomit is what we did! ahhh everywhere it went, what a valentine's day that was..."
"Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material."

ocular dominance
im beginning to think i dont have a dominant eye. or at least no preference for one.

its a little bit of a pitfall in trying to plot 'four dimensions' of complex valued functions, since to include all four directions, we must resort to something more abstract, such as coloring or brightness. i think the failure is the unevenness between the various dimensions and their representations.

"if i got to choose a person, like a real person, to be like. out of anyone, itd be you."
take your time. hurry up.
shes not at work shes not in school shes not in bed i think i finally broke her.
emotionally colorblind.
"youre a god, dont you forget it."


the vigilance parameter

automatic target recognition
unsupervised learning.

nodding to indicate rejection

Anathema (in Greek Ανάθεμα) meaning originally something lifted up as an offering to the gods; later, with evolving meanings, it came to mean:
1. to be formally set apart,
2. banished, exiled, excommunicated or
3. denounced, sometimes accursed.

now hiring: a partner in crime. preferrably the yrast.
the thrill, be damned. damn it to the last damned man.
immerse your soul in love.