keepsakes

2·16·08
the near-far problem sounds a lot cooler than it really is.
similar to the monster group

why does everything have to blow up at the same time?
"if you ask me, a cross that size is for a lord with a tiny dick."

my favorite complexity classes (so far) are NC and BQP.

should i make bumper stickers that have crosses and other religious symbols in the 'no' symbol (red circle with slash)? i could do the scientology symbol, the cross, star of david... anything for muslim/islam/mohammed?

does this poll cover all possible opinions?
1). yes.

thats what happens when you make a deal with the devil.

fool's errand


2·17·08
i actually think this is funny.

root-not gates! how fucking cool is that!!
a much better description is on pages 5-8 of this paper.

my computer just told me to "emphasize repetition". i dont think i should do that. or maybe i should. but my first thought is that it is a bad idea. and i dont need to be encouraged in such behavior. though i dont really know.



this one guy, Glenn Gould, "had an aversion to being touched", which has been interpreted as a sign of autistic tendencies. but see, i can tell you, ive had that aversion before, for many years, and i know that it was the result of spending many years without any physical contact; it was throughout high school. probably the reason i always had trouble trying to kiss this or that girl. i can remember very specifically snapping my foot away when Jennifer put her foot on mine in fifth grade, and then immediately wondering if she had intended to play footsies or something. i knew she liked me, and she knew i liked her. everyone always assumes this stuff comes naturally, but for me it really doesnt. i remember many instances of snapping away when someone touched me, not knowing what their intentions were, and only after my initial reaction did i begin to consider that being touched was something i wanted. but by then it was always too late. its not that i didnt like being touched, or didnt want to be touched, its almost like i just didnt know it was okay. it was so unfamiliar that my first reaction was always to end it abruptly. junior year of high school, i started to try to remedy this by talking to friends who said they would hug me on a daily basis (or is it let me hug them?). it didnt last long enough, but im sure it helped a lot.

i know it sounds very weird to say, but i know that i spent very long portions of time with no physical touch at all. i do it now too. it is very strange. it gets to the point where if someone is giving me change after i buy my lunch, and they happen to brush one or two of their fingers against my palm as they drop the change into it, my whole body reacts. my brain has to tell my body that its no big deal. i dont touch anyone. and i really mean that. i go months without a single handshake or hug. i usually hug my parents when i happen to go home and see them. i shake hands with people i meet at work every few months (outside consultant type people). but for the most part, i remain very strongly isolated from physical contact.

and this doesnt apply to only intimate relationships, i remember very specifically a boy i tutored who had been diagnosed with asperger syndrome, he would hug me, and i would feel awkward about it. i could not tell if that was appropriate behavior or not, and even worse, when i was his age, i would have thought the exact same way i do even now, in those moments, i cannot evaluate the appropriateness, im not sure why i get so caught up in that indecision. certainly right now i can see it is perfectly fine. at the moment this whole subject is so in my mind that i could probably behave (seemingly) normally even with an intimate relationship (though maybe i would get confused). its something i really need to keep in mind more readily, so when the opportunity arises to correct it, i will begin to make that correction. dammit, you have no idea how much i resent this aspect of my life. but, as you might expect, it doesnt usually cross my mind. like EP, i dont remember the things that pain me. like that thirteen year old girl, its painful to become aware of these things. this isnt something i can preserve in myself, and simultaneously live the life i want. they dont go together. it must be altered. and i suppose i have to alter it. though itd help if the person i was trying to be intimate with knew and was accordingly patient with me.





not for lack of want, mind you.