hearts uncritical

im mostly just not comfortable with the magnitude of the effect this is having on me.
like im angry that it makes me angry.
and angry that it makes me sad.
and i still havent come to terms.
i still havent figured it out.
i still havent understood.

such a strange universe in which the line between free will and determinism is so blurry.

we cant see further than we can see.

there are about 200 million centuries between the birth and death of the sun.

the rich get richer
to learn (or understand better):
Lagrangian mechanics
Hamiltonian mechanics
variational principle
action principle
d'Alambert's principle
virtual work
virtual displacements
Noether's theorem
gauge theories
state equations

maybe try to write some how you feel. or try to write to grandma or clean more.
dance all night with your hand on my ass or make a move?
its just like breathing. you breath, dont you?

okay, so how many tests do i have to do to establish order?
seems like we could create a sort of phase space for the solutions, and a map or guide to specific solutions based on a smaller number of tests. but maybe the number of tests isnt much smaller.

mathematica functions to learn better: apply, function, slot

okay, now im thinking that we could examine the 'strength' of a mathematical system, or maybe more its breadth or width or something, by how restrictive it is to the imagination, or something. basically, the axioms of mathematics reduce the number of things which are possible. the very most basic axiom in all of the sciences/logics/mathematical disciplines would be that logic, or maybe more basically, truth, holds. obviously much more could happen in the universe if truth were not a valid concept, and so we figure at the very least we can rely on that. then we add all sorts of additional assumptions; ZFC is such a set. we now know that systems (descriptions? axiomatic sets/systems?) above some certain threshold of potency are necessarily incomplete (thank you Gödel). mathematicians can choose which level they work on, by choosing which set of axioms to utilize.

you have no expiration date.
love me fiercely
paper programs
love letter to nowhere
chrome dome
convicted cannibal
tacit blue?

on mythbusters he said, "this is not gonna rip my fillings out, is it?"
but i thought he said, "this is not gonna rip my feelings out, is it?"

everyones told me how smart i am. its just natural to assume most people must be dumb. right? i mean, how else can i interpret that? ive spent a long time fighting 'im smart', but why bother? ive already become arrogant, i might as well run with it. actually, wait, i still want to resist calling myself smart. ive got a lot of very clear reasons why that isnt the case.

in the end i guess the questions ring down to: what do we want? and why dont we have it? and i feel like i have almost everything i want, or i have a very accessible route towards anything i want in the future. except, i want to fall madly in love, and that has always been a mystery to me. that is the nerve wracking desire. its never quite seemed to happen. because you cant just fall madly in love with someone at will. its not something you control. and its not something they control either. they have to do it too. and ive never quite lined up my love with theirs. it seems like we have always been just a few moments offset.

cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.

watching this movie, bickford's cool ideas, makes me think i should befriend the schizophrenic guy in keene.

it seems to me that 'growing up', for me at least, is a process of accepting the retarded aspects of the world and dealing with them appropriately. stated that way, i am not really interested in growing up, ever. if thats really what im thinking, i dont want to ever grow up.

hearts uncritical


love trumps morality

everyone is always telling me how different or unique i am
so why would anyone ever expect to predict my behavior reliably?
and im always complaining about how i dont understand people, and about how complicated people and their interactions are; how can i ever expect to predict anyones behavior reliably?

i feel like i need to puke.
about grad school
more about grad school
physics at UNH
more about physics at UNH
MIT's open courseware
some stars that keith used to have me look at
save my teeth
where next
interesting phrase
still dont understand
understand even less
i expected something like this
i ought to understand this, why not yet?
complexity class TFNP
why i have no work ethic (because i dont really do work)
the definitive guide (which seems silly since language evolves naturally)
we all suck
not cool man
also not cool
eh, whatever
no shit
sooner or later, but no
fuck you
where the hell am i?
complexity theory for everyone
sulfur hexa fluoride (some day)

we didnt even try.

what a fucking huge waste of time this was.


compassion fatigue

pluck my nerves.
perfection only makes sense in terms of definitions. to claim perfection, or lack thereof, only seems valid following the explicit statement of those definitions.

compassion fatigue.

isnt it a little bizarre that we have become neat freaks when our existence depends on a built up resistance due to our exposure to pathogens.

Karl Popper said, "we have become makers of our fate when we have ceased to pose as its prophets."

heh heh heh, i just got top-dollar for my soul. i sold it to dan for five bucks. all i needed was a little bit of blood. hes even given me leasing rights (though hes reserved the right to revoke them at any time if he so decides).

the delgados said:

everybody knows that, i only have myself to blame. everybody knows that, softly softly wins the game. trust, ill try to learn again. my words, are seldom for a friend.
are you gonna sink or swim? coast to coast, its more than you bargained for. are you going to lose or win?

a hint of passion isnt enough wasnt enough never has been never will be ever never; im not really sure where to go with anything anymore.


smash and grab

youll be beautiful forever.

the forest chorus
shameless complacency
color-coded secrets

do not believe that my blood is so cold.

so WHAT.
its my life.


hash clash

the following ideas have occurred very recently

snooze off!

i just realized: i really really like waterfalls. theyre just very... interesting. visually.

this world is bigger than big

fish out of water
fish in the air

i guess im just in that weird mood/state of mind where everything phrase seems uniquely special, every idea seems profound. believe it or not, this is not drug induced, but some natural state of mind i have enjoyed for most of my life.

fall out of the sky and find me

no fault found

"In this place where time stands still it seems like everything is moving. Including me. I can't say I know where I'm going nor if my bad deeds can be purified. There are so many things I have done that I regret. But when I come to a full stop I hope you understand that the distance between us is not as great as it seems. "

you are not broken. sprained maybe. but nothing that cannot be mended.

you, me, and the world. only three things, pretty easy to keep track of.


separation of concerns

do i ever act rude or insensitive? cause i dont think so, but how do i know? someone ought to say something if i do.

can you think of adhesion between two molecules as the same as 'adhesion' between a photon and gravitational mass? probably not, right? though can you? what changes?

sometimes i just get fed up with all the uncessessary sadness in the world.

is it weird that i always found calvin's mom (from calvin and hobbs) attractive?

the symmetry between american fear of a suicidal (inferred from our belief in their willingness to first strike) USSR, and the USSR fear of the same from us, shows that we had much more in common than we thought, and that our shared idiocracy could have cost everyone their lives.

we're all just human beings. nothing more. or less. if you figure that all measures must in the end be arbitrary and thus highly subjective, how can you place value on anything? which is fine, theres no reason things need to have value in a perfectly objective way. for me, its plenty to have it in the highly subjective view i hold.

you know that feeling i get during a particularly good part of a song i like?
its a feeling that uncontrollably creates a smile.
or when someone i am attracted to indicates that they like me too?
or when i witness something particularly beautiful.
or when i think of you smiling.
i think ive heard this term before, but this is the first time ive used it; that is the greatest feeling in the world. hmmm, actually, orgasm might be better, it is not easy to differentiate though it is in some way. they are great in two different ways i suppose.

"take me anywhere, with you"
"thats what i said, thats not what i mean."

it seems as if perfect knowledge of the future might allow you to intentionally violate the 2nd law. is that true?
and does the speed of light relate at all to the uncertainty principle?

Inchoate offense

the nipples of mother hope have run dry.

dude, seahorses look like the most useless animal ever.

why are certain phrases offensive? like 'i dont want to talk about it/to you/right now' or whatever.

'the world' is a strange place. incomprehensibly complicated and yet governed by a seemingly simple set of rules. i want to tell my grandmother: do not worry, my adamant atheism has been a core part of me for the entire history of my personality. it never seems to have worn my optimism, wavered my morals or instilled hardly any sadness of any sort. it has however lead to a deep appreciation for my past, present and foreseeable existence, as well as an unmeasurable concern for the well-being of others, (not to mention bottomless awe and curiosity about the universe). all said, it seems to work out very well for me. i bring my attention now to girls. plural? sure, why not. because i forgot what i was going to say about it, and what i needed to say about it. so thats why not.

steal me a dream.

you mean the world to me.



the hardest easy problem?

people used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone.

zo'o ta jitfa .i .e'o xu do pendo mi

i want to work to make all my 'footprints' smaller. reduce the amount of things i have, the amount of energy i consume, the amount of packaging, of gas, of water, of food... everything, smaller.

though i am an atheist, i can admit that some of the ideas that came out of religion are acceptable. but i judge those ideas the same way i judge all ideas, does it make sense? does it benefit the universe in the ways i prefer?

i enjoy thinking about these things the way fat people enjoy eating. maybe its time for me to 'lose weight'?

if we could think of time as moving 'back and forth' constantly, on a very small scale, independent to each region of space, then what would come out of that? could the arrow of time still emerge?
now i think that idea is stupid.

time ought to be a biproduct

best foot forward; which one is that?

there are two main ways to get people to do what you want: bullying, and seducing (really there are other ways too, but not as universal, like extortion, paying, threats...)
now, i want a president who will seduce foreign powers, not bully them. unfortunately, none of the current presidential candidates are attractive enough to seduce me. which is why i now think that we need a really attractive young bisexual female to run for president... young men would vote for her, some young women would vote for her...

id rather be seduced than bullied. though the two approahes are rarely exchangeable.

codys questions for questioning people
(choose exactly one answer for each question that you agree with completely)

you wash the back of your hands
a) less than
b) the same as
c) more than
the palms of your hands?

i feel guilty when i masturbate:
(you may interpret "i" as either me or you)

i like to hurt small animals:
all the time
whenever the opportunity arises

when you hear the phrase, 'child killers'
do you interpret it to mean adults who kill children
or children who kill adults

is your favorite color of jelly bean also your favorite tasting jelly bean?

if my nipples were somehow lactating, would that
a) turn you on
b) make me irresistable
c) both a and b

this is the fortune for your cookie.

wait a second, i can claim software engineering now? how ridiculous!

the easiest hard problem:
"among all sets of 10 integers between 1 and 10, more than 99 percent have at least one perfect partition. (To be precise, of the 10 billion such sets, 9,989,770,790 can be perfectly partitioned. I know because I counted them—and it wasn't easy.)"

do you have teeth or are you a sheep in wolfs clothing.

think of what wikipedia is too: a very popular resource, probably one of the most visited sites on the internet. and you can create content for it! and edit it!. well, create content isnt the right words really.

iterated logarithms?

Studies have shown that mental scans of those in love show a striking resemblance to those with a mental illness. Love creates activity in the same area of the brain that hunger, thirst, and drug cravings create activity in. New love, therefore, could possibly be more physical than emotional (though drawing a clear line between physical and emotional is difficult when discussing the brain). thats the problem! your confusing love for mental illness! or maybe the other way around...? no, i like the first way better.

at some point very recently, ive realized what my problem is: im arrogant! and wait, theres other ones too, i just forgot for the moment. it was confirmed by a bold friend (and thus lovely person) recently, though, admittedly i already knew (which fits the charge). i first realized it this weekend previous, when talking to corey, i realized that my intolerance to do work that i dont want to do could be confused with arrogance. corey confirmed that, and then i realized it is simply that i am arrogant. before that i also began to think people confuse my honesty for modesty sometimes. which made me think: i definitely used to be modest, and not arrogant, but recently, within the last year or two id say, ive slowly changed those attributes. i am not a modest person any longer i dont believe. i have remained honest i think, perhaps even improved my morals (improved in the sense that they have evolved towards the popular opinion, rather than away from).

ever wonder why i can talk about sex when using codewords like 'practice, but not as just 'sex'? isnt that weird? why cant i talk about sex? its just a word, an activity, a series of abstract objects in the world. why is it that i have remind myself that these things are not important, and that there is nothing wrong with talking about them most of the time? that i forget these things by default?

Invite people to lunch.
Or invite them to coffee or for a beer after work. If you meet a fellow introvert, he/she is unlikely to do the inviting, so you have to do it.

Cynthia called me 'both the smartest and dumbest person [she had] ever met'.
most of the time that seems to fit well.


letters to you—folded in thirds

heroic dose; consult your attorney. consult your physician. excess in moderation. a consultant economy.

WARNINGS: most likely your pencil will be sharpened. do not poke yourself with pencil, or it will sting for a few seconds.

i love to hear what you sound like.

hmmm, does anyone ever think of how computers are evidence (examples really) of how the intuitive (to me) idea that inflation causes life to become more expensive, is at least in some instances, wrong
for example, normally you would expect to think al things, over time, increase in cost. but computers dont. they get better in numerous ways, including price. in general, this happens with all technological advances, and the more rapidly the advance, the more obviously the drop in price/increase in benefits (i speculate).
in fact, what happens when you plot the rate of change of computer prices?
does it become free eventually? can i predict that moment! it is bizarre what speculation i am willing to tolerate and what i vehemently dismiss.

okay, before (11·24·07) i wrote:
okay, i know we all are familiar with moore's law, but has anyone looked at the way that total terrestrial computing power has grown? and how about computing power per cubic meter of space? this would include only the space taken up by computers, actually, didnt moore make a statement about processor size too? maybe not.
now im thinking (added 12·7·07), and how about total amount of computation completed? or performed? does our ability to squeeze more out of what we have outpace our laziness in contributing to others. wow thats awkward, what i mean is, do distributed computing projects increase the amount of computing we do faster than people and companies that buy computers and then dont use them usually.

letters to you––folded in thirds

what is my problem?
why wont anyone tell me?
maybe my problem is that im always trying to solve problems, rather than just accepting there are rough spots in the world? in which case i should stop trying to solve problems so much. though by stopping solving problems, i would be attempting to solve my own problem (assuming that is it), which would certainly be discouraging to my new goal of not solving problems. it is a conundrum. indeed.
i am, of course, kidding, of course, am i?

sometimes i stutter, pause, and hesitate, consciously. as if i could stop it, but decide not to.

what if there is no additive inverse to one dimension in a vector space? do you get spacetime? i need to ask Mike this, he knows about vector spaces.

synaptic plasticity.
fantastic synaptic.

turtles might be immortal.

in the battle between continuous and discrete, is there something in the middle? is there a set that contains all the reals, but is not continuous? i dont think that really makes any sense at all, but my interest and skills in this more abstract, pure math, is lacking.

what is the information content in our words? our sentences? our paragraphs & novels? greater than the sum of its parts?

do you have any innate passions? do you feel vulnerable if you share them?
do you know mine yet?


hold my peace

acceptable losses. spared the horror of survival. i never got around to it okay! there wouldnt be any time to be sorry.
go watch wargames, i really liked it.

im so sorry that i let you forget how special you are to me.

so i asked him his advice, and he responded, "geniusness"

stefan said, "thanks for calling"
is that a work habit stefan?

i took this test and my candidate came up as Mike Gravel, who, it turns out, fits me pretty well. and not just on political views, he has my sort of style about him too i think; he has been campaigning longer than anyone else, entirely in new hampshire, and i had only heard of him a few weeks ago! (awesome). he has, "zero net worth" he says. i agree that consumerism is out of control, but i dont think it will resolve itself by giving more money to people (though im not against giving more money to the lower and middle). i believe the rampant consumerism in america is not government driven, it is self perpetuated. people outspend their means because they lose sight of what they enjoy, or because they succumb to clever advertising, or because they are competing, or they misattribute their happiness to things instead of people, places, ideas and activities. the people making the ads dont tend to understand what they are doing anymore than the people falling for them. though i guess a lot more people just have the problem of not being able to quite make ends meet. that is absolutely terrible. we ought to be better than this.
suddenly i feel as if i could convincingly explain nearly any human action from good and evil standpoints. why do i always assume the good ones? i dont even like humans! i dont even believe in good or evil!

the notes i carry in my pocket, the ones with all the ideas and feelings i cant remember to express when ______. theyve become too numerous to tag along. the paper has worn through and soft as felt. some of the ink has faded and bled, along with the information it recorded.

i love when my jaw shudders when shivering

is exodus from misery equivalent to pursuit of happiness? i dont think so. though i havent been able to concentrate on it.

didnt you ever figure me out? i keep thinking about, "these shoes fit his personality perfectly."

complacency is the reason i must quit. maybe that factors into other people too?

shock the conscious
not yet dreamed of

oh, this one was good:
its not as simple as 'be yourself' because we all have dynamic personalities, adjusting for our surroundings. swears and parents are a good example, if, like me you grew up being told not to swear, but saw no fucking harm in it whatsoever.

idee fix

back when i used to be clever i made up the word 'polyseminal' as a mixture of the words polysemy and seminal, which is in fact polysemic itself.
i guess i dont want to share the personal one. sorry.
how funny would it be to see a guy carrying groceries mug someone.
i might be mad, but only because it seems to be what is demanded of me.
am i wearing safety glasses?

im tired of dating, lets elope.

this was a note a left to myself: you should buy 'happy you near', so the first instance of the word 'you' references me.

evolutionary benefit?
maybe if i wrote a paper on my views of consciousness, and suggested experiments, someone might listen?

"quick! everyone! out of the universe!"

all of my heros are dead.

i think being this alone is making me crazy again. that weird kind of crazy where you cant tell that what you are thinking and doing is just completely insane.

im downloading planet earth.

steven weinberg said, "The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy." though it took me a few reads to find it real funny.

might already be a winner

Mike Meyers said his dad told him that nothing is ever so bad that it cannot be laughed at.

i guess if i impare my brain enough then there is no way to be confident that i can remain sane.

it feels like something to be human.
'tis death to counterfeiters
hostile takeovers
it starts when we decide.

okay, i know we all are familiar with moore's law, but has anyone looked at the way that total terrestrial computing power has grown? and how about computing power per cubic meter of space? this would include only the space taken up by computers, actually, didnt moore make a statement about processor size too? maybe not.

ohh, and heres an interesting dilemma: your brain is a device which can comprehend the physical workings of emotions. to some degree, our brains can also influence those emotions. now, should the emotions really be able to influence our brains since our brains are aware of it? in fact, how is it that we can feel emotions so strongly when we are so aware of their superficiality? and their causal origins?

Jack Burton: Would you just stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that.

do you really enjoy knitting? my grandmother does. oh wait, no, she enjoys sewing. still though.

Egg Shen: It will come out no more!
Jack Burton: What? HUH? What will come out no more?
Egg Shen: ...
Jack Burton: Dammit!

how can one be sure that one has ones sanity?
i imagine a first indicator may be to observe whether those around you believe you to be sane or not, though it is unfortunate to judge something so important by consensus, (since consensus has no clear relation to truth).
this raises other interesting questions: what is sanity? is it dependent on the consensus? should we really value so much, concepts that are reliant on popular consensus? what is the relationship between consensus and truth?
is there any method we could use to ensure that our memory has not failed us?

self fullfilling prophecy = bane of my existence.

the first rule in science is you are not supposed to fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.

with respect to animals and language, i was thinking, it wouldnt be surprising if they were very heavily dependent on body language. right now my parents have a dog, loafer, who is a few years old, probably three or four, and he kind of acts like an old curmudgeon. they also have a puppy, four weeks old or something, very young.

dr zoidberg — a medical corporation

i guess what i enjoy is the way people discuss ideas, to try and understand the world. its interesting, it seems to me that if we all discussed our views extensively enough, we would eventually reach consensus; what is odd is that why would i want consensus? im perfectly okay with us all being different. it is beneficial in my view. i dont know what im talking about at all.

i want a world that lacks unnecessary secrets. i hate how people fight against things they do.

everyones a star

so the fundamental things i want to study are these:
time, space, energy, and information. and how these 'four' quantities interact. i put four in quotes because i believe these are all aspects of the same thing; time and space are intimately connected, and neither one really makes sense without the other. Seth Lloyd apparently says energy and information are ultimately the same thing, and i suspect that matter (which is energy) is just a form of spacetime. though i should shut up, since i have no real reason to believe this other than it wold really make the most sense.

i guess i have grown up, moved away. thats weird. i dont recall ever expecting to do that. i remember being a kid, and i knowing how thats what people did, was grow up and move away. but i dont recall ever thinking about doing that myself. now i have.

moral judgement versus moral behavior? there is a dichotomy of how one should act to preserve ones existence as an individual versus as a member of a social group. as a member of a social group ones survival is reliant on others.

at what point does one become rich or poor? at what point do a few grains of sand become a pile? at what point does the amount of mold make bread inedible? at what point does the shadow go from sharp to fuzzy?

that time, a long time ago, when i fainted a few times in a row, it was scary because it would happen without any indication or memory of it. i would simply wake up and learn that i had fainted again.

i just remembered being a little kid, and seeing parts of a movie that scared me, and asking my parents to 'tell me when its over'. i guess the same thing happened a while back when we played some movies that ryan and kristin and maybe someone else didnt want to watch? like meet the feebles or dead alive.

must study (or more so, understand): lagrangian mechanics, hamiltonian, hermitian


when i encounter something highly emotional (on tv really) like this story my parents are watching right now, about some kids who lost their father in a car accident, and then their mother in a jealous boyfriend incident, i have to kind of look away and tune it out, otherwise it really gets to me. it seems cold, or cruel, or something inhuman, out of touch.

they said on tv (it was a non expert, whatever that might mean), who said, sense of belonging was a basic human need. im not sure i have that, though maybe i do?

as with most questions, the answer is probably a mixture of the obvious proposed answers.

i want you to know how important you are to me.

this reminds me that i have never witnessed anything horrible.


your turning number?

technology enables even the inhabitants of desert islands to become socialites, while id rather be a hermit living in the center of a city.

thats a bit off track, what i mean is, its been a long time since ive put anything here. a lot has happened since i put anything here. and its all happened faster than ive realized. im not sure if i could speak outloud right now.

october first
this is the worst thing
you know, because of the lack of simultaneity, there is no such thing as 'the' present time, only 'your' present time. and i suppose that is one more flaw in the concepts of past and future too, since we tend to think of them as previous and inevitable (respectfully) states of the present.
"Her voice makes me think of her mouth makes me think of her breath makes me think of her breasts."

unplugged sleep

it seems to me that we may value truth above all else. since it is only through truth that we can take value in anything else.
nevermind, i disagree with that now.

what if gravity has yank, and acceleration is not constant?
thatd be difficult, it certainly seems to be a constant. itd have to be really quick to have yank.

is there any derivative we could take an infinite number of times that would approximate f=ma?

ive noticed that i start off a lot of explanations of information with a story about how i arrived at the information. and now im thinking that serves as a mnemonic tool for myself, but also probably serves as a mnemonic tool for whoever i am talking to. ill bet this makes me rather unique too, as it has grown out of a desire, (or more an understood necessity) to document my knowledge, so as to record my sources. also, reading about Zell Kravinsky makes me think there is such a thing as complete selflessness, it is born out of a very strong objectivity to matters like

im not full of candy.

so, im this guy, standing on this planet.
...i mean im a speck living on a speck, orbiting a speck. in the middle of specklessness.
but then i think, i have this brain...

-alphabet backwards.
zyxwvut srqponmlk jihgfedcba

it seems that many of our problems stem from the difficulties we often encounter when trying to mesh the continuous with the discrete.

not anyone knows at least anything about everything.
not anyone knows at least something about everything.

holy shit, i think i love bob ross.
someone ought to make a movie about him. either funny or real. either one would be cool.

we should have a jello stacking contest.
or better yet, a jello engineering contest.

suddenly, all three of these statements seem to go together:

wait, we can hide you! we'll pile fruit on you and call you a bowl.
i think i might be slightly schizophrenic.
awareness of my final descent into crazy was first revealed when i began to experience emotional feelings of affection for Bob Ross.

"and beautiful things will happen, auuuttomatically."
"maybe theres a big tree in our world"

-Bob Ross

have you ever taken off one shoe and sock without touching the shoe and sock on the other foot? its not all that bizarre, but i just did it probably for the first time ever.

im learning to hate people.
i dont need anyone to depend on me.
i dont need anyone to depend on.
everything is just a phrase to me.
first, abandon this idea of 'normal', it is only an ideal.

"because i think we all experience moments of despair."

are you wearing a poker face? am i wearing a poker face?

"I found your contact particulars"

"The day I made that statement, I was tired because I had been up all night inventing the Camcorder."
-Al Gore, Joking about reports that he had claimed to have invented the internet

i feel like i am too smart to get hurt. as if i am too smart to get in any awkwardness with work, or bosses, or anything really.
except then why does that still have that power over me?
"you people and your slight differences disgust me!"
i wonder, what exactly was the point of the conversation you were about to get into?
the turning number is the number of smiles minus the number of frowns.


did we miss the sunset?
i just found a bag of vintage, expires on may 5th, 06, jet-puffed marshmellows! what a way to start the day!
"in my head that sounded, not funnier, but... less annoying."

have you ever noticed that my language is a bit specific and abnormal sometimes?

or on the lighter side of okay.
the fitness test is just a hyperlink test! articles are the conceptual representation of things, and hyperlinks are their relations to other things.

As much as people pretend 'I fit in, I understand, I get the rules,' there are always times spent away from that where you go, 'I thought I knew. It seemed so clear to me, and then...' That sense of loneliness, or the sense of not fitting in or being out of depth, is probably the most common denominator.
-David Fincher

11·3·07 -- so yeah, i guess i can go nuts now and then too.

much like entropy, my room, our relationship, my longer term goals, tend towards disorder.

but it was so real, where did it come from?
my mind could never imagine such terrible things...
i cant sleep. im afraid the dream will come back.

learned helplessness

A seminal experiment by Martin Seligman and Steve Maier was done in two parts. In part one, there were three groups of dogs in harnesses. The Group One dogs were simply put in the harnesses for a period of time and later released. Groups two and three consisted of "yoked pairs." A dog in Group 2 would be given electric shocks, which the dog could end by pressing a lever. A Group 3 dog was wired in parallel with a Group 2 dog, receiving shocks of identical intensity and duration, but his lever didn't do anything. To a dog in Group 3, it seemed that the shock ended at random, because it was his paired dog in Group 2 that was causing it to stop. For Group 3 dogs the shock was apparently "inescapable." The Group 1 and Group 2 dogs quickly recovered from the experience, but the Group 3 dogs learned to be helpless, and exhibited symptoms similar to chronic clinical depression.

fundamental attribution error and actor-observer bias.

does this seem likely to explain my hesitance to act over such things as girls and work? though i would not say i was clinically depressed, ever in my lifetime.

i hear candidates talking about how they cannot take nuclear options off the table, and you cannot be seen as weak. how about compassionate? do we expect other countries to trust us when we are broadcasting our leaders as willing to commit mass murder (remember after all, their discussion of nuclear options means Weapsons of Mass Destruction options; nuclear weapons are unlikely to NOT have significant casualties, and their use, or even the assertion that they may be used (preemptively), implies murder and terror on a massive scale), and a COMPLETE lack of humanity.

if you were just a floating entity, through space, without any hope for death, what would consume your thoughts? would you go mad? how long would it last?

ive done everything wrong.
"wrinkled finger" is an entertaining phrase at the moment.

the spies among us.

far, far away,
where the sun goes to sleep.

"put a penny in the slot and count the swans through a telescope, i cant help from crying; i wish you were mine"
Fionn Regan has grown on me.

i guess you are afraid of
what everyone is made of

your skin is so fair
your skin so fair its not fair
you remind me

let us hope this works

how often is it that people actually know what bothers them?

there is something sad about just letting go of this.


limbo. fuck you god.

is she testing me?
we never see, to get a break, do we...

wow, so i guess im now typing 70-80 wpm with 98% accuracy... more than i expected.

you can do this, its just like murdering a little butler.
look, i dont know if shooting penguins will the environment or not.

"did everything just jump around? or did my brain just stroke off their for a second?"


"we will begin with the fireman, then the math teachers, and so on in that fashion, until everyone is eaten."

"did you really leave me again? after all the seasons i spent waiting. watching out the window. listening at the door. waiting for the news of your return. for the news that you realized someone important was waiting for you. a whole lifetime ive been waiting. i cant believe youre not coming back. i cant believe im supposed to stop waiting. i cant believe you left me again."

okay, now you go hide.

are virtual particles violating causality? could we basically look at them as traveling both forwards and backwards in time?
its bryants away message:
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
- Alan Moore
and it relates to my statements to matt that time travel seems impossible because it violates conservation laws. well, couldnt we imagine that virtual particle pairs travelled back in time to get to where they are?

are you ready for love?
oh baby ima ready for love.

so now im thinking that there is no difference from our point of view between the world being non-deterministic, and the world being deterministic, but the uncertainty principle prevents us from nailing down any definite states.

shes thermal runaway

or a bipolar transistor?

"she said she had some catching up to do"

this was from the documentary deliver us from evil. and it was one of the most sad things i have ever witnessed. probably the saddest real thing ive ever heard of.
"and she just said yes. and uh, the whole world collapsed.
...and at that point, it destroyed, our lives."

today i realized that my education has simply made me less tolerant of jobs i dont like. in my head it is stated as, "i went to school for {____}. i shouldnt have to do {not ____}".


try to study (and quantify) the relationship between relative directions of pointing (one person pointing towards an distant position, another person looking), and peoples abilities to connect correctly.

you need to notify people who are wrong, so that they can learn

stuff i wrote to friends tonight:
to Bernard:
i hate thinking people are stupid. but im becoming more comfortable with the idea.
10·36·19 P
id prefer to think that (mostly) all humans have the same hardware. though the programming varies drastically. i like to think the only reason people think im smart is because i take interest in what is an uncommon subject, so most people know nothing about what i know something about.

to Ben:
its similar to what physicists, mathematicians, computer scientists, and maybe even electrical engineers have been doing for a while. so all of those people seem smarter because instead of learning how a specific problem works, we are really learning about the nature of problems. and that prevents you from getting stuck in the mode of  like, "well, i know how to solve problems about gravity, but not how to optimize airplane scheduling". all of those studies really let you abstract your problem so youre more an expert problem solver, rather than an expert in physics or whatever.
10·32·29 P
but i think computational complexity theory, and computability theory are the best for that. they are concerned with the most pure aspects of problem solving. can it be solved, how, and when.

so im sort of freaking out right now. only a little. i dont know, this sort of thing messes with my body a lot. oh wait, and my mind. im torn between cut and run, and pushing forward. if you told me the truth, that you push people away, to test them, then i should push forward. if you really liked me at some point so much, then i should push forward. if you are who others think you are, then i should cut and run. i dont want to cut and run. im not afraid that i cant meet someone else. i just dont want to yet. weve never really figured out how to get things working, and so ive never really felt confident that they cant work. but maybe i should interpret an inability to get there as equivalent to an inability to stay there. yeah, im being a little abstract.

youre afraid of commitment? afraid to open up? thats why you want to detach from everyone? when i asked if moving to portland was to get away from me, you said no. if i were to ask you if you never wanted to speak to me again, you wouldnt say yes, right? you told me youd push me away. that you would test me. should i assume that is what is happening? i dont know, i just need to talk to you more. to figure it out and understand. more 'serious' talks. more communication. that what i need to improve. i might have a thousand notes and nothing worth saying. i just enjoy you, okay? thats it. its simple. you make me happy, should there be more to it?

please dont let me disappear. im sure i make you happy. even if its only a moment. i think it might still be worth it, for both of us.

maybe i just need to socialize more in general.

"oh!... i know youre only a dream, but i dont care. its nice to see you, even if you are just a dream."


thoughts forgotten

i should have mentioned the pining for.

scintillating smile

even if its just a whisper.

im just a dreamer
and you are just a dream

i was not the one who was on the run
i was not afraid of what might come this way

i think we have fucked up the game through our awareness of it.
i think maybe i can do this more than anyone around me.

ever watch someone who is watching someone?
"i'm trying to break your heart"

please dont rain
please dont pour

she remarried a gynecologist, or a pediatrician, or a pediatrician gynecologist.
i think hes in one of those, personal improvement cults or something...
i sometimes hurt small animals, true or false? i feel guilty when i masturbate.
-well i dont write the questions, i just, review the answers.
dont ask what the object of the game is, figuring that out, is, the object of the game.
cold. colder. warm. warmer.
i got the key out of... out of the mouth of this... wooden clown.
like my father before me, i choose eternal sleep.
youre, making a mistake... i am, extremely, fragile, right now.
i'm pulling back the curtain; i want to meet the wizard.

fighting hard i

"i was drugged
and left for dead
in mexico - and
all i got was this
stupid t-shirt"

not too little
not too much
youre just right

im an extremely selfish person, most people just dont see it, but its obvious when you think about it. just think about how much i know, how much i understand, and how little i express those things to all but those closest to me.

i just had an idea for something very practical that would let me use cool mathematics, it would be an attempt to make more efficient storage tanks for coolants. the gist of it is that we could fine tune the type of material used to construct the tank based on minimizing heat loss while maximizing strength. the approach would be to balance the heat conductivity and strength properties of the tank shells materials in order to find the solution.

"you mature and you realize, theres no there"

you stranger, are the perfect candidate, for costumed, aggression.
please, press against my weaponry, and then lay bare your chest.
its nice to hear your voice again. ive waited all day long, even wrote a song for you.
some say the world will end on fire.
okay, im really ____, but this seems like a good idea maybe anyway: okay, the brain could easily implement memory by just recording the input type of information (say, the eyes, or ears...) and recording the actual signals themselves. thats the same as storing many files with various filetypes all relating to one thing. so you have some underlying concept of 'cody' and audio, video, text even, can all lead to recall of that memory... probably more, recall of that image/sound/idea... so really you send a signal into the brain representing 'cody' and if its an image it triggers the image memory, or a sound then the sound. the brain links these things together by connecting them all to an underlying 'conceptual memory'. if you could type a name into google and google could recognize speech, text, and video of you, just based off youre name, thatd be very similar if not indistinguishable from human memory (or probably only cause im ____).
"that server is just waiting to cripple the company"
-_____ _______
when i asked him, he asked, what business it was of mine, and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
in the english countryside, many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
not just words -- black heart procession
youre obviously confused and aroused.
in general i am not concerned with human things, like making money, looking good, being right. i am only really concerned with understanding the universe, and with being as honest as possible about what is and is not understood.
FUCK, i want to be concerned with something else too. where is she going?
do i have a job that drives me to drink?
i need to make a cody-to-english, english-to-cody dictionary.
start with:
practice (sex)
attractive (pleasing)
beautiful (extremely pleasing)
dictionary (joke)
work (unpleasant, or unproductive actions)

shes loves my boyish charms, but hates my childish antics.

he was eager to be offended.
ill introduce the third dimension.

i just sneezed while peeing, and it was a new experience for me.
also, i realized suddenly that alcohol and pot both make time slow down, but pot makes you realize how slow time is going, and alcohol doesnt maybe. i dont know, im drunk.
im not really in a condition to tell.

bring back, bring back, oh bring back my bonnie to me, to me.

my allie lies over the ocean (see figure 1)
my allie lies over the sea
my allie lies over the ocean
oh bring back my allie to me.

can i join you?

sometimes you like me a whole lot. other times, you dont. and i cant figure it out yet. i kind of know, but not enough.

im not the only creative person you know. but im probably the only mathematical physicist/computer scientist you really know.

are you okay?
yeah, why?
i dont know, you just seem so far away.

the first thing that came to mind was very silly and immature, though i consider that a good thing, since i think i need to be more immature.

we should have holiday when there isnt.
thank you for the dirt.

i understand that a lot of people (the christians, in general) feel guilty about their human tendencies; this baffles me. i do not feel guilty for anything that is out of my control. i do not really think america is the greatest country to live in, but i do not feel guilty about living here. there are other examples too im sure.

does it taste like home? only when your eyes are closed. have you been away too long, am i still immune? am i naked too?
theres a plate for you in the oven.
so now i want to let my hair get long and gray and old. and surround myself with books.
please dont swear.
fuck fuck fuck fuck

im having a little trouble drinking, i think that means im drunk. time to cut hair off.
i would do anything you wished, to not make that happen. i would get on a plane if i have to.
in her next letter she says she feels better. and that her thoughts of suicide have subsided. and that she has a new idea for a novel.
the later letters, particularly, 77 -123, are less passionate. and almost approach bitterness, perhaps even jealousy. and then by 130 they dissolve down to 2 or 3 very uninformative half sentences.
in his own quite way, he really cares a great deal about other people.

daddy, are you okay?
leave me alone.
i thought maybe we could talk.
please go away.

i would quote this whole movie but that means nothing. humans are weird. we mean nothing and everything. another paradox to resolve. another challenge to rise to.
my goal was to not be able to hold onto things. and i know im close. but right now i need to cut my hair. i gotta hold onto the scissors. thats you, you can be the scissors. can you make a fist? you gotta help me change these things. itll be so much better then. better than.
i dont have a dresser, so i dont get to try that.
are you okay? yeah. can you, can you make a fist? yeah like that. does that hurt?
yeah, a little bit.
...but that was, that was a, disaster. lets just say, i, lost my shit. excuse my french. i just froze up. an they stopped the show, and then for some reason, i, i kicked the drummer.

dont act so innocent. ive seen you pound your fist into the earth. and ive read your books, seems like you could use another fool. and i look right through.
must have more important things to do.
so if you need a murderer.

such activities

yes, but not like this.
yes, but it was different.
"Scientists Dissect Coworker To Learn More About Scientists"

nothings wrong as far as i can see
we make it harder than it has to be
and i cant tell you why

ill be honest with you: i dont know how honest i can be with you.

when can i see you? ill just call in sick.
you have self-defeating cool. i have a million things to whisper, and i forget them all when i start thinking of you.
hide with me under the covers.
so good to see you, glad you came.

i looked up at the stars
i looked up and saw stars

ive decided to get really angry from now on whenever someone wakes me up, except you. that way it becomes more important that i gave you permission.
does it work like that? can you decide to be angry? can i decide to be angry?
you take my voice away. ill have to stop that.
you grabbed my hand, and we fell into it. like a daydream, or a fever.
a wondrous thing happened why not.
kiss you again.
a spout of water, probably 15 feet tall woke me up this morning, coming out of the ground in front of the bank.
stop saying, "anyway, bye."
if i start acting like a boyfriend will i be yours?
if i stop acting like a friend will i be yours?
i used to think i was maybe 20/80 retarded/smart. but now i think thats probably more 80/20.
isnt it kind of funny that MC Hammer was considered cool for parachute pants, and is now considered uncool for really the same reason.
joe rogan's point about solitary confinement, how we punish people by taking away their human interaction.
someone should hold you
before you slip away
youre really not so far from us. youre really not so far.
privileged to know.
most of what humans say seems very short sighted. overpopulation concerns, end of the world concerns. have the looked at how big this place is? have they looked around themselves at all?


one might wonder how to interpret all this. and there isnt really any way to do it. its weeks of nonsense condensed into one powerful dose. the world has undergone an inconceivable number of changes since then.

so its better just to express the current state:
its sunny and cool outside; the hills look beautiful, the town is moving below me. and i spend all of my time working on a problem most likely unsolvable. it keeps my head busy, because if my head idles for even a moment, it immediately begins to speculate that the distance between you and i is growing. call it a metric, because its not the standard euclidean distance that most people are familiar with in the daily lives. this distance need nothing to do with physical reality, or at least not spatial distances as we often think.

well, i fucked that up.
okay, try again, plain english. but it should be direct, not passive. assertive. ill remember. ill write it down. ill call. ill talk.


we all run around in these thoughts and fears.

PURGE? repentance.

i think in english
"notice anything different? --- i can breath."
we all run around with these thoughts and fears.
is this longing for someone to share with common among humans? or am i alone.
are you frightened? embrace it, its the only way to make things exciting.

does there come a time when there is no thing exciting any longer? no thing painful? no thing scary, or will there just be nothing then? is that all their is? does it ever become numb otherwise?

hows that working out for you?

"tell me why you talk to me!
---because you listen."

"go ahead and bend over for destiny."

this sunrise disappoints.

the lesser of two evils is still evil, no matter what you tell yourself to sleep at night.

"are you trying to seduce me?"

any good TOE should reveal reason behind the arrow of time.

how many days has it been? how many days have we done this?

"pile misery upon misery."

when things look up, we look down.

and now i know it.

these thoughts and feelings
these words and meanings
they refuse to express themselves
communication has never caught up to us
and our conversations are never finished.
dont leave me in the middle of the sentence.


Dear Cody,

Listen, I know everyone thinks you are a real smart guy and everything, and how sometimes that gets to you, but I'm writing to let you know that its not true: you aren't smart. You haven't the slightest clue how to read people, you can't even read their intentions when they are spelled out on paper (or the electronic equivalents)! The closest thing you have to basic communication skills is the ability to see what people meant 9 months after the fact. It's as if you only understand the conception after the birth; you'll be forever 9 months delayed from reality. To put it in terms you might understand, you exist in an interval external to reality's light cones: you exist beyond the time like curves, in the space like region. In some sense, this is what you wanted, events in the space like region can never effect the time like regions, essentially making you an objective observer. But you had to forfeit all involvement with reality to obtain that. And now you're having second thoughts about it, aren't you.

Sorry, I guess that got a bit off point. Getting back, no one can evaluate what they do not understand, and very few people understand mathematics and physics, so very few people can believe you are smart for it. What they can do, and what is commonly done, is confuse what they don't understand as being necessarily intelligent. And you are the same as anyone else. You can't avoid thinking everyone around you is brilliant, because they understand what you don't, or at least they understand it better.

And what authority do I have to tell you these things? None at all, really. But since when did you ever respect authority anyway?

-Over the Ocean


too many quotes

people, i dont understand.

"is this salt water?
its salt with water in it if thats what you mean."

"my visions fading, i think im gonna die!
there was nothing wrong with that food,
the salt level was 10% less then a lethal dose.
uh oh! i shouldnt have had seconds!"

there is nothing that means we cant pretend.
nothing says we cannot behave how we want.



aug 31st in manchester ---wait, what the fuck was that for???

a friend's away message:
what if i don't want ordinairy? what if i want more? what if i need to be independent? but what if i need a rock? what i want children and a white picket fence? what if i want to live everywhere, with nothing constant? what if i want a passionate love story? what if i want mature love? what if?

what if i want everything and nothing at the same time?

my response:
im sorry, but this is why guys tend to think girls are crazy a lot of the time. granted, i can kind of understand it; feelings and desires do not need to follow any sort of rules, but stuff like that can get really, i want to say frustrating, but thats not really the word. i dont really know how to describe what i am thinking. probably an indication that i dont really understand my take on this yet.
to expand on that, why do we all feel so compelled to know what we want? or to plan out our lives? quit it already with the planning and the inhibitors. plan only as far as you understand, and abandon the rest in its place. (8·15·07).
and you (cody), stop documenting everything so carefully. its inhuman. also, less quotes eh?

"does mom know?
she would unspool!
can i tell her!?!"

"surrendering to destiny?"
"i didnt fall through the cracks, i jumped through."

how much of this did we decide, and how much did we just accept?
this is insulting to both of us.
in the usual way.

"and now what does it feel like?
it feels like theres a train, every hour."

talk is important.

"lay off the pipe."


you have the wrong idea about you.

"why would you want to get involved in something so potentially messy and complicated if you dont have to?
because she makes me sad.
are you attracted to her?
if i were attracted to her i wouldnt be trying to find the guy shes in love with, would i?
oh... good answer."

"theres no more wiggle room on your wrap sheet."

"even if you got rid of me youd still be left with the biggest obstacle to jaye's heart.
whats that?

"why would you want to get involved with anything as potentially messy and complicated as... me?
because you make me happy."

chevy chase movie where he is a writer and they move into the country.

come back to me
dont rain
dont pour.

laughing sickness? sounds like my kind of ailment!
drew blood.
that probably left a mark....

there have always been believers, and most likely, non believers. the difference is that the non-believers have not changed.

i think 'almost' was a bit of a misnomer.

if you think im 'weird' its just because you havent learned and accepted that the world need not be any certain way. and i have.

stay away from heaven.

greatest idea yet: upside down hourglasses!

take a picture, ittll last longer.
itll last longer.
take a picture.

"its also terrifying, its the sound of a fuse being lit."
"i challenge you to a kiss."

poor, poor world.

i think im going to try my hand at P vs NP. or more FP vs FNP. though i know i wont solve it, maybe ill really understand it more. that would be more than satisfying in terms of achievement.


morality and mortality

i ought to maintain this list better,
things to do before i die:
slap multiple (3 or more) people with one swing.
kill a man, (or would child be funnier?).

avoid trial
inoperable patience
inoperable ____

everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

i wish that when i was a kid i had met someone like me. then i would have been much better at these things i enjoy; ive only really discovered most of them at a much older age than necessary.

maybe put this in equals signs: we both learned to hide it.

head back
hold on
hold on

so uh... are you the brains of the outfit or is he?
to be honest with you, i dont think this is a brains sort of operation.

spare me your space-aged technobabel attila the hun!

inspire revolutionaries.
all things grow.
all things grow moldy.
detect defect.

what did you want to be when you grew up?

really good:
wherever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure: a larger heart, and a greater self-restraint, would put a calm autumnal sadness in the place of the instinctive outcry of pain.
-Bertrand Russell

mister Russell helping me tolerate my job more? weird.

can all motion be written in terms of straight lines and circular arcs?

i prefer to burn my bridges before i cross them, thus making them more thrilling to cross.


i just want now to stop.

could we somehow apply the limit process to the differintegral processes?
for instance, what happens when you repeatedly differentiate something? does it converge or diverge to some thing? or perhaps cycles periodically between a number of different functions? actually, i guess ive asked this before, when i took complex variables. and we differentiated certain functions that repeated every 4th derivative or something.

you have the blame. you halve the blame. ill take the blame. or we could halve it. go dutch on the blame.

we are all to blame for everything. does anyone feel this way? or am i alone.

thanks, for leaving, the light on, so i, could find, my way home. thanks, for meeting, me half way, from the curb, to, the doorway. this skin is meant to be lived in, so why do i want out? why do i love to see you? see you scream out.

activate the slave settings.

she loves his boyish charms, but she hates his childish antics.

i wrote them a poem:

they label me benign
but intelligence is malignant
a wolf in sheeps clothing.

it would be a haiku but i think its one extra syllable each. though now that i look at the definition of haiku, its no longer clear if the 5/7/5 syllable idea is correct or not. maybe it qualifies. i dont know. i dont care really.

"im filled with a large number of powerful emotions."

my word! you do tickle me!

are you haunted? you want to get un-haunted? well, i'd kill him.

which of the following would you most prefer: a. a puppy b. a pretty flower from your sweetie or c. a large properly formatted data file?

todays words: inimical, malign, benign, malefic

what happens when we all realize that everyone is uniquely interesting? how then will anything get done? maybe, probably, by then, Koza's machines will have displaced us.

isnt it interesting how what makes a person an individual is the way they change, rather than the individual states they take on?
just like physics is really about the rate of change instead of absolutes like position and time.

so now i need to invent calculus for personalities. or calculus for... something.

im struggling quite a bit to figure out whats wrong with drugs... can anyone help me? its probably a good thing to understand. though if i cant figure out what 'right' and 'wrong' mean in anything resembling absolute terms, then i suppose i must settle for relative reasons for the 'rightness' and 'wrongness' of drugs. which i suppose i can easily define/find. Einstein said (allegedly): things should be as simple as they are, but no simpler. i increasingly feel as if most humans have these ideas twisted in modern life: that which is simple is made complex, and that which is complex is made unreasonably simple. i would cite most 'hot button' poltical issues as evidence of this.

shes tachycardia for sure.

i think a plan is just a list of things that dont happen.

im realizing that i cant tell the difference between people who like me and people who are just being nice. really, the only people i would expect this to matter with are attractive young girls, but i suppose since i cant tell the difference, potentially anyone who is nice to me might really like me. that could be fun. creepy old guys. old ladies.

shes a dime. but that is obvious.

also, yes, i know i make very little/no sense, but no one else makes much sense to me either. its weird how special relativity seems to make a lot of sense, and inverse square laws. mathematics. but the 6+ billion people on the planet remain largely a mystery. misstery? misstressy.

do you wonder?
do you wonder.


i never saw anything before

if god dictates morals, then he (it) is not interested in people being 'truly good' so much as just deterring them from behaving 'inappropriately' (arbitrarily defined by god).

in which case, i would consider god to be an asshole, and also amoral.

also, assuming god exists and is omnipotent, i have a game which he cannot win. any measly human such as myself can win 100% of the time, which is an indication to me that the conventional sense of omnipotence is beyond any realizable universe.

this only happens when your eyes are closed.

i think a very large part of life is trying to figure out what 'right' and 'wrong' mean, and then coming to terms with the fact that they only having meaning within the context of certain synthetic priorities; that they are completely arbitrary and self-generated, self-imposed.

gun down.

you only like me for my frown.

in all of the years that i have been internally philosophizing about the world, there has been a constant underlying dilemma concerning the origin and validity of certainty. and though i had a very clear direction when i first wrote that sentence, i am not so certain anymore, (and thus this reflects the state of the matter).

kill faster

honk if you hate people that honk at everything.

"everything will be all right in the end."

you flew around like a butterfly.
we only do this for the company.

it becomes the solution to any problem.
be wary of any universal solutions, they are probably incomplete.

im trying to figure out what the fractional derivative of ex will be. ooh, weird:"In short, differentiating and then integrating the derivative from 0 to x does not (in general) return us to the same function ; this reversal only holds if we integrate first." from here.

i never saw anything before


the why doesnt mean a thing.

give away to your worst impulse. ---my worst impulse? i cant even think of anything? there really arent many impulses i ever have, that i dont already give into.

heart it races

i was thinking about how people go, "i cant do thats not like me/you at all" or "this is so unlike me/you to do that"; when considering what 'you are', one should keep in mind that 'you' is changing in time at every moment: the atoms vibrate, the electrons surge, the cells decay and replicate, each with incomprehensible complexity. what most people think of as 'themselves' is nothing more than a collection of approximate snapshots of past events. behavior is not a solid, rather it should be acknowledged and even encouraged to become a fluid. furthermore, evolution is development, and should be held highly with regards to the mind; the static case should be criminalized.

does anyone get that last sentence?

new Bertrand Russell quotes:
"This idea of weapons of mass extermination is utterly horrible and is something which no one with one spark of humanity can tolerate. I will not pretend to obey a government which is organising a mass massacre of mankind.

The secret of happiness is to face the fact that the world is horrible, horrible, horrible.

The only thing that will redeem mankind is co-operation.

If a Black Death could spread throughout the world once in every generation, survivors could procreate freely without making the world too full. ... The state of affairs might be somewhat unpleasant, but what of it? Really high-minded people are indifferent to happiness, especially other people's."

what does that mean? "Really high-minded people are indifferent to happiness, especially other people's."

i was thinking about the difference between continuous and finite, and i thought, could we apply that to fractals? or maybe a good analogy might be that fractals are the continuous version of nested structures (which are constructed in discrete steps). comprehension of these concepts seems very important.

the skill of my science came at the cost of my social ineptness.

"faith is the antihesis of proof."
"my two favorite things are commitment, and changing myself."
"the problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars away to the less fortunate.
---the less fortunate get all the breaks!"

theyve never felt this good before.
theyve never been at peace,

alright, well, crazy it is then.

my biggest fear is that ill stay the same.

such a mess
such a mess
his is even worse
this whole world is such a mess.

denied; ive seen you: soul, consciousness.

the quote was, "So long as there is death there will be sorrow, and so long as there is sorrow it can be no part of the duty of human beings to increase its amount, in spite of the fact that a few rare spirits know how to transmute it."
and it was Russell.

i used to see a dichotomy between teaching science and conveying the idea that all of science is tentative.
now i see finally can clarify a similar problem in love: in order to be intelligent and correct in love-related decisions, you must think. but thinking runs contrary to the experience of love. if you are thinking, you are probably not loving. and vice versa. and thats okay: its an emotion, if you thought your way into and through it, it wouldnt be the same.

i think i want a girl who will work hard to convince me that i am not special. my whole life, just about everyone has made me feel special. and i dont want to be special. ive been told by a large number of people that im smart, which i hate; i guess a large part of it is that categorizing intelligence seems too similar to racism, sexism, nationalism, patriotism, which are all assumptions of superiority/inferiority relationships between two (usually) very similar competitors.

if people really think im so much smarter than them, then why do the majority not submit to my claim that they are not? unless of course they believe their own intelligence to be superior to even mine.

"though id rather see any other horror"
"stay outta trouble. it ain't worth it." -Jeff

why can we pay for war, but not health?

dont lose sight of what you want, especially if its apt to change. wait, that thought there. where did that come from?

i am an atheist, and antitheist. if that bothers you, feel free to express why; i ask that you try to be as clear and concise as possible, and to present your disagreements in a logical manner. i will try to respond in as precisely as possible a manner.

im gonna put a crap load of boxes in my car, each with many other boxes nested inside one another. in the smallest box will be one labeled 'drugs', and i wont have a key for it. the rest of the boxes will be locked, with various keys all on one chain, unlabeled.


when i vandalize psychics, im going to make sure i make it very well known first. ill notify my friends, i might even try to publish it publicly somewhere; ill even consult an attorney first. then the psychics i target will all be ones with outrageous claims of ability for important issues. that way, i can argue that their inability to stop me is evidence of the fraudulence of their claims. maybe ill even tell a judge about it before hand, that way ill have a credible witness to help me establish premeditation (since premeditation should constitute disproof of their abilities).

how can it make me so sad? its just a pattern of signals in my eyes and ears. it caused my whole body to shiver, through my face and chest, and then my arms and legs. Popper or Russell spoke of suffering, and that it will always be a part of human existence, and that it should be no part of ours to increase its amount. it was probably Russell.

just remember that people care about you.

i think a lot of Russell speaking about his three motivations: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of humankind. and now im feeling like the longing for love is definitely a large one for me, search for knowledge sounds good. and unbearable pity seems right also. but this ideas dont really manifest themselves to me that way. i feel as if i have a grand lead in the comprehension of reality; the suffering i see around me within mankind is unbearable, but it gives me the strongest urges to share these marvelous insights that have been revealed to me, with others. i am so easily entertained, reality is just full of beautiful images, thoughts, sounds, people, ideas... and if only others saw it too, their suffering might cease. of course, the longing for love quite often impedes my ability to convey these experiences.

how does everyone else deal with unbearable pity?

can anyone really be bad?
no such thing.
no such thing as a bad human.

im learning to turn it off.
to shut myself off.
to stop it.

i am too aware of what i am, of what humans are.

when attempting to examine my problems closely, they have a tendency to dissolve.

and now i wonder, what does 'happy' mean? it seems as if a precise definition would (by self reference) fall short of its meaning.


is it now?

what secrets remain in the advantage to the scaling process? and what tradeoffs exist between the complexity of the machine and its ability to solve problems?

these things arent making sense.

im thinking about the difference between a single neuron and a small group, and the difference between a small group of neurons and a coherent brain, and the difference between a coherent brain and a conscious brain? and the difference between a conscious brain (a single human) and a group of consciousnesses? or a group and a group of groups? its like what sort of differences exist between binary and assembly and higher level languages? what sort of differences exist between a single computer and many?

she is the new word for amazing.

there is a relationship between the number of steps that are involved in solving a problem, and the number of steps that a machine takes to solve them... what sorts of differences in running time do you get when you use various different finite state machines? what sorts of advancements might be waiting by a systematic reapplication of this complexity-increasing process?

i need less time to consider 'what if'

i think ill need to learn a lot more computer science before i understand what these questions really mean, and im fairly certain that most of these quesitons are probably stupid or illustrate a lack of understanding on my part. which is why i type them here.

so i think now in order to make A.I., we just need John Koza to build a much larger, much faster machine. and have it use answers from previous problems to help it solve new problems. basically, allow it to store its output, and use any solution from previous output to solve new problems in intermediate steps.

every girl he looked at wasnt her.

wow, suddenly math feels identical to the Chaitin's constant problem stuff relating to complexity and information theory. its as if new mathematical processes are almost just shortcuts, or more compressed previous solutions. so we learn rules about multiplying in order to save ourselves time with repeated adding. previous to the discovery of multiplication (or invention?), adding took much more time.

it wasnt an easy thing to assume, as most would expect.

when i wrote most of that, i was wondering, how could there be no fastest algorithm for multiplication? is there an upper bound for the fastest algorithm, and we can maybe never reach the upper bound?

george foreman: "interesting side note: as a head without a body, i envy the dead"
rich little: "no argument here"

if you could implement Grover's algorithm, itd be really beneficial to AI, because itd enable you to have much larger databases, which are good for memory. though now i realize this is silly, because itd require a fast quantum computer to implement in a dramatically useful way. though maybe im wrong, who knows.

i am the 'me' in 'team'

Scott speaks of 'automating insight' given that P=NP. does John Koza's computer do that? or really does it illustrate that insight is not as special as we previously thought, still weaker than NP?

(the next morning): ah, i suppose Scott stated that insight would be trivial, which is not that same as automate-able; as trivial tends to imply simple, automate-able is more akin to possible (vs impossible).

"im a rich respected doctor, with many surviving patients."

if you cant explain it, then its not science. and if you think youve destroyed some fundamental tenant of science, you damn well better be able to explain what youve done, in detail. if you cant, how can you be so sure youve broken new ground? how can you be so sure that youre incomplete knowledge of the process doesnt hide the answers that fit it back into science?

none of this is in our control.
what we need are bombs that can kill ideas.
ill let you be in my dream, if i can be in yours.

you can always tell if i slept well or not by whether or not my voice is deeper.

suddenly, i am very excited about my job; i could maybe shape it into something i enjoy very much. for some reason (probably mentioned previously), today, right now, i feel 'on top of the world' so to speak; even though im here alone.


we control nothing.

the so called 'exciting' things in life are just illusions of danger. delusions of grandeur.

so many people say, "math, oh, thats hard", but they do so without qualification. computational complexity theory is actually the study of just how 'hard' math really is, therefore computational complexity theorists should be the only ones really qualified to say, 'oh, thats hard, math...' although that should include any other people who understand such analysis of algorithms.

i swear, i just licked this envelope and it tasted good, the glue there.

i just thought, i dont think i really understand other people feeling guilty about what theyve done to other people. i only understand what it means to feel guilty about something ive done to myself. no, thats not true.

do you like it or not?

(this was a while ago): i just had a beautiful two hour drive from unh durham to keene. it was just beautiful, the clouds, the sky, the trees, the roads, the weather. all around great. i had a great time too. then later that night i had a lot of fun hanging out with stefan, jeff, meagan and derek.

do you want to be someone else?

whats closer to you now? the moon, or europe? fuck you is closer to me now.
are there any parts that arent a dream?
oh right, new code word! fresh air! im an open container that likes to get fresh air. it helps me sleep.

im beginning to suspect that when there is a smart person in the world, they tend to make the group of people immediately surrounding them smarter as well.

operators are not standing by, but we have a machine that pretends for you.

dear Helen Fisher, is it possible that a human could become addicted to the feeling of uncertainty and excitement that are experienced in the early stages of love, and then fail to pass beyond those stages, in order to feed their addiction?

everyone gets forgotten; its not such a big deal. quit worrying about something so meaningless and distant, insignificant. but today Ian said something interesting: you can pass information on. thats really all we do, we collect and organize information, and then pass it on when we leave this place.

if i was looking for an equation to relate n variables representing physical values that change with respect to one another, and i had large tables for the behavior of each variable with respect to the others, could a computer find a single multidimensional equation that explains all of them?

where is the line with you?
i never thought i would compromise.

okay, i think what i want to study is quantum physics with the intention of expanding/developing our interpretation with respect to physical computing.
physics and computation.
the physics of quantum computing.
how fitting that the concepts of black versus white are annihilated at the very most fundamental level of quantum particles (that is, the principle of superposition destroys the concept of mutual exclusivity, for very specific cases that is).

does it make any sense for me to say im a misanthrope who cherishes humanity?

we have most important friends

(kiss) thats for fayah; (kiss) thats for your kids; and this is for you (kiss)

she runs down the stairs, because thats where hes headed. he stops and turns back, so she runs up a few steps, but he is just aggravated (not by her), so he pauses and proceeds down the steps. she is giddy, and so she runs up and down regardless of where he is going, she will run circles around his lagrangian path.

its all around you
you have to trust it

it might be important in life to never be happy; to constantly oscillate between states of wonderful feelings and states of absence and longing. promoting a recovery time and reflection, maybe its important.

shut up and swear youre here. shut up and swear youre here. shut up and swear youre here. shut up and swear youre here.

promise to me.

this will fall away with time
if you promise to be kind.

none of this is in our control.

anecdotal antidote.

"If you see Kay,
Tell him he may.
See you in tea,
Tell him from me."

i think maybe i need to start doing things. but somehow i am too easily distracted by girls. is it reasonable to think i need a stable relationship in order to focus on work that might relate to my interests? it seems unreasonable, as many people around me seem to have no similar difficulties.

also, collaboration somehow seems important, though there arent many people around me who seem to want to collaborate, or who are qualified to work on these things.

if god dictates morals, then he is not interested in people being 'truly good' so much as just deterring them from behaving 'inappropriately'

and i hate this so much.
the concept is vile.
the damage produced cannot be measured.


proximity to failure

your turbulent heart.
vandalize psychics.
skimpy outfits.
look, thats lovely.
okay, and, thanks, for, understanding.
off-label use?
a line has two sides.
we can fight if it helps you sleep.
chronic avoidance of tough issues.
dont take the cork off the fork.
my baby rocks me with one steady roll.
most significant bit.
Get Honest
proximity to failure depends on the viewpoint of the observer (unless tensors are utilized).
"cancel out"
failure mode.
ultimate failure.

i want to see liquid nitrogen poured into water.


how is sexual deviant defined? is it someone who deviates from the publicly acknowledged set of sexual practices, or the privately held, publicly (not spoken) set of sexual practices, which are very common, despite not being talked about.

i just had an idea... thinking about the prevalence of porn on the internet, and more importantly, porn that probably many of the moralist conservatives would publicly deem as deviant... is there some sort of contradiction within the people who staunchly believe in the free market, and the idea that those sexual practices are deviant?

its raining, i need to shower. you do the math.
soaked by nature
when was the last time you stomped in a puddle? for me it was tonight (6 17 07)

okay, 'weeds' makes me want to move to california and deal pot. really badly.
people use the word 'love' too much. along with all the more common swears.

i want to put the name of a song here, but i think it would inadequately convey my feelings.

"can you guys ship a whole body?"
"we can ship anything kid."

its just about four in the morning, and i dont have to wake up for another hour. why am i awake? i dont know.

im working on the habit of having habits.
working hard to achieve cog-in-the-wheel status!

"she brought the stupid out of you."
"satan satan lend me a dollar.
satan satan lend me a dollar now."
"okay, everyone else knows that this is the point where things start to go wrong. but its not so easy to see trouble coming when youre in the middle of it. the problem is, you cant see whats coming, cause you dont want to see whats coming."

most people wouldnt like to admit this, but we are all almost nearly identical. theres not a big difference between einstein and the average joe. and physically, we are all extremely close to identical; more than 99% of you is contained in every serial murderer, rapist, dictator, genocidal maniac. every genius, every retard, every loathsome enemy, shares more with you than you can even imagine.

i think the commercial said:
"you never hear a guy say, 'check her out she looks loyal' or a girl say, 'whoa, look at the morals on that guy' ; no, love at first sight is based on something entirely different: sight."
i wonder if my interest in being blind has anything to do with avoiding love at first sight.

i had a dream. i was in a car, with a girl i. i dont remember who, but i remember i was really attracted to her at the time. and i wanted nothing more than to kiss her. i was driving, and there was another guy in the passenger seat with me, who i didnt know at all i dont think. and i could tell he liked the girl too. and she and i were flirting. then she was giving me directions and shed lean up and her head would be in front of mine. and she kissed my nose, and then my lips, and then there was a tiny bit of tongue, and i looked and could see her eyes, and she grinned, and i grinned. and she sat back down in the back seat, and i felt lovely.

i drank some brandy. i asked stefan what i should mix it with, he said bad decisions.

tyler told me that i should put 3 years breastfeeding experience down on my resume.

supposedly, calvin coolidge said these things:
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
"I have noticed that nothing I never said ever did me any harm.
Calvin Coolidge "
regardless of whether he did or not, i disagree completely. there have been many things that i have not said that have harmed me.

in anticipation of incarceration.

theres no english equivalent to 'fuck off'.
-Billy Conelly

im glad youre offended, if you werent, i wouldnt be able to offend you.

free speech is the ability to yell 'theater!' in a crowded fire.
-Abbie Hoffman

Flen flyys

"Friars with knives go about and swive men's wives."

"i would have made a good pope."
-president Richard M Nixon

moral anarchy, really important.

we need to popularize the word boone as a multiply useful swear word.

the fuck stops here.

stay, just a little bit longer.

look closely at the most embarrassing details and magnify them.
give way to your worst impulse (? could be really mean?)

kinda like the way youre breathing
i kinda like the way youre looking away

ive spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is i am attracted to, and why, and i still dont really know much about it. and i wonder if other people ever think of that? and not even just attraction (though i tend to reduce everything about my interests to some form of inexplicable attraction), i also mean interests. why do people like movies? or books? or comics? cars? drugs? art? music? it is a mystery im sure plenty of people can explain to me.

"somethings wrong, murder's not working and thats all we're good at."

are women really better at reading men, or just trained better because men express themselves better (in one sense, not in many others). men are at a disadvantage to interpret body langauge because women are less accceptably expressive. men are more acceptably expressive. though thats not to say that men express it better, in fact, we probably dont. obviously i dont know what im talking about at all, and i dont want to take the time to figure it out.

"be the trouble that you want to see in the world"

i want to seal up my world in glass,
and wait for bricks to be thrown through my windows



for the first time ever, i have a full time job. forty-plus hours a week, medical, dental, vacation time. and i want nothing more than to not have it. its not a bad job. i enjoy the work; i hate the hours. i miss being a bum, and its only been two days. wont anyone out there pay me to sit and ponder? or to solve math or physics problems? i suppose probably someone would, i just havent found them yet.

its 4:28, which implies that once again i have failed to get a good nights sleep. im not sure if i have had one of those in the last six years really. how did that happen? or why?

how is it that i can look at my academic knowledge for the last six years and see a steady increase in the quantity and quality of my comprehension, yet feel as if ive taken a step or two backward when it comes to my social knowledge? how is it that i can have so many things to say, and not say any of them?

never have i written so prolifically about something and kept it all so private. and never figured out how to speak it. it all builds up so much that i dont want to write about it anymore. but then i continue not being able to speak, and i return to writing it.

this behavior is stupid, i must stop it.


intelligence failure

gather round and listen close.

what is it that interests you? what is it that you really enjoy doing in life? ive met so very few people that can answer these questions. most people cant answer these questions. was there ever a time in school that you enjoyed what you were learning? and i dont mean when the teacher was a pushover and you could play cards during class, i mean curriculum that you truly enjoyed. we dont know what we dont know.

i stand corrected. or sit. whatever really.
science is a process.
love is a verb.
kiss me; youre beautiful.

is this statement true: "competition makes everything better"? im skeptical, but that might just be because ive never enjoyed competition. i cant find a real counterexample, though i suppose personally i can say competition generally instills a feeling of unease in me, or at least some sort of discomfort, and so competion does not make me feel better. its weak, but oh well.

"look, im sorry youre having problems at home. id offer you some advice, but it wouldnt be worth much, i dont even have a cat."

is human imagine becoming more expansive with time?

and now have you disappeared?
and now have you disappeared again?

scare away thunder.

Einstein said of Niels Bohr, "not often in life has a human being caused me such joy by his mere presence as you did."
unrelated, Niels Bohr said, "some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them."

Matt: either i am really fucking high... and i mean so fucking high that i dont even know i took drugs, or there is a big fucking bat flying around my room
me: thats pretty cool.

"no discernible genitalia" -Stefan

who wrote the bible? where did they live? what did they know? why does the guy on the street corner with the sign about the 'end' being 'near' not seem as trustworthy as the good book itself? why arent the miracles of the bible ever interpreted as illusions, the way david blaine and david copperfields 'magic' is? if god controls everything, he must have wanted me to be an atheist.

while i was in california, my mother told my aunt that i was in my 'atheism phase'. i need to figure out how to nicely explain that it seems unlikely to be a 'phase' of atheism. for as long as i can remember ive been an atheist, i just hid it from her; i lied in order to make her and my father happy. stood there for years and nodded yeses in understanding of their unbelievable beliefs. but i never once thought it was true, at least not that i am consciously aware of. for some time i was close to being a deist, but that is too speculative. i find the idea that some supernatural force exists to be fantastic, let alone one with a consciousness, 'who' can 'speak' humankind's languages.

when you find what youre looking for, will you know what it is?

infatuated by his great folly.
will i cover the distance myself?

bottom line.
id love to turn you on.