proximity to failure

your turbulent heart.
vandalize psychics.
skimpy outfits.
look, thats lovely.
okay, and, thanks, for, understanding.
off-label use?
a line has two sides.
we can fight if it helps you sleep.
chronic avoidance of tough issues.
dont take the cork off the fork.
my baby rocks me with one steady roll.
most significant bit.
Get Honest
proximity to failure depends on the viewpoint of the observer (unless tensors are utilized).
"cancel out"
failure mode.
ultimate failure.

i want to see liquid nitrogen poured into water.


how is sexual deviant defined? is it someone who deviates from the publicly acknowledged set of sexual practices, or the privately held, publicly (not spoken) set of sexual practices, which are very common, despite not being talked about.

i just had an idea... thinking about the prevalence of porn on the internet, and more importantly, porn that probably many of the moralist conservatives would publicly deem as deviant... is there some sort of contradiction within the people who staunchly believe in the free market, and the idea that those sexual practices are deviant?

its raining, i need to shower. you do the math.
soaked by nature
when was the last time you stomped in a puddle? for me it was tonight (6 17 07)

okay, 'weeds' makes me want to move to california and deal pot. really badly.
people use the word 'love' too much. along with all the more common swears.

i want to put the name of a song here, but i think it would inadequately convey my feelings.

"can you guys ship a whole body?"
"we can ship anything kid."

its just about four in the morning, and i dont have to wake up for another hour. why am i awake? i dont know.

im working on the habit of having habits.
working hard to achieve cog-in-the-wheel status!

"she brought the stupid out of you."
"satan satan lend me a dollar.
satan satan lend me a dollar now."
"okay, everyone else knows that this is the point where things start to go wrong. but its not so easy to see trouble coming when youre in the middle of it. the problem is, you cant see whats coming, cause you dont want to see whats coming."

most people wouldnt like to admit this, but we are all almost nearly identical. theres not a big difference between einstein and the average joe. and physically, we are all extremely close to identical; more than 99% of you is contained in every serial murderer, rapist, dictator, genocidal maniac. every genius, every retard, every loathsome enemy, shares more with you than you can even imagine.

i think the commercial said:
"you never hear a guy say, 'check her out she looks loyal' or a girl say, 'whoa, look at the morals on that guy' ; no, love at first sight is based on something entirely different: sight."
i wonder if my interest in being blind has anything to do with avoiding love at first sight.

i had a dream. i was in a car, with a girl i. i dont remember who, but i remember i was really attracted to her at the time. and i wanted nothing more than to kiss her. i was driving, and there was another guy in the passenger seat with me, who i didnt know at all i dont think. and i could tell he liked the girl too. and she and i were flirting. then she was giving me directions and shed lean up and her head would be in front of mine. and she kissed my nose, and then my lips, and then there was a tiny bit of tongue, and i looked and could see her eyes, and she grinned, and i grinned. and she sat back down in the back seat, and i felt lovely.

i drank some brandy. i asked stefan what i should mix it with, he said bad decisions.

tyler told me that i should put 3 years breastfeeding experience down on my resume.

supposedly, calvin coolidge said these things:
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
"I have noticed that nothing I never said ever did me any harm.
Calvin Coolidge "
regardless of whether he did or not, i disagree completely. there have been many things that i have not said that have harmed me.

in anticipation of incarceration.

theres no english equivalent to 'fuck off'.
-Billy Conelly

im glad youre offended, if you werent, i wouldnt be able to offend you.

free speech is the ability to yell 'theater!' in a crowded fire.
-Abbie Hoffman

Flen flyys

"Friars with knives go about and swive men's wives."

"i would have made a good pope."
-president Richard M Nixon

moral anarchy, really important.

we need to popularize the word boone as a multiply useful swear word.

the fuck stops here.

stay, just a little bit longer.

look closely at the most embarrassing details and magnify them.
give way to your worst impulse (? could be really mean?)

kinda like the way youre breathing
i kinda like the way youre looking away

ive spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is i am attracted to, and why, and i still dont really know much about it. and i wonder if other people ever think of that? and not even just attraction (though i tend to reduce everything about my interests to some form of inexplicable attraction), i also mean interests. why do people like movies? or books? or comics? cars? drugs? art? music? it is a mystery im sure plenty of people can explain to me.

"somethings wrong, murder's not working and thats all we're good at."

are women really better at reading men, or just trained better because men express themselves better (in one sense, not in many others). men are at a disadvantage to interpret body langauge because women are less accceptably expressive. men are more acceptably expressive. though thats not to say that men express it better, in fact, we probably dont. obviously i dont know what im talking about at all, and i dont want to take the time to figure it out.

"be the trouble that you want to see in the world"

i want to seal up my world in glass,
and wait for bricks to be thrown through my windows



for the first time ever, i have a full time job. forty-plus hours a week, medical, dental, vacation time. and i want nothing more than to not have it. its not a bad job. i enjoy the work; i hate the hours. i miss being a bum, and its only been two days. wont anyone out there pay me to sit and ponder? or to solve math or physics problems? i suppose probably someone would, i just havent found them yet.

its 4:28, which implies that once again i have failed to get a good nights sleep. im not sure if i have had one of those in the last six years really. how did that happen? or why?

how is it that i can look at my academic knowledge for the last six years and see a steady increase in the quantity and quality of my comprehension, yet feel as if ive taken a step or two backward when it comes to my social knowledge? how is it that i can have so many things to say, and not say any of them?

never have i written so prolifically about something and kept it all so private. and never figured out how to speak it. it all builds up so much that i dont want to write about it anymore. but then i continue not being able to speak, and i return to writing it.

this behavior is stupid, i must stop it.


intelligence failure

gather round and listen close.

what is it that interests you? what is it that you really enjoy doing in life? ive met so very few people that can answer these questions. most people cant answer these questions. was there ever a time in school that you enjoyed what you were learning? and i dont mean when the teacher was a pushover and you could play cards during class, i mean curriculum that you truly enjoyed. we dont know what we dont know.

i stand corrected. or sit. whatever really.
science is a process.
love is a verb.
kiss me; youre beautiful.

is this statement true: "competition makes everything better"? im skeptical, but that might just be because ive never enjoyed competition. i cant find a real counterexample, though i suppose personally i can say competition generally instills a feeling of unease in me, or at least some sort of discomfort, and so competion does not make me feel better. its weak, but oh well.

"look, im sorry youre having problems at home. id offer you some advice, but it wouldnt be worth much, i dont even have a cat."

is human imagine becoming more expansive with time?

and now have you disappeared?
and now have you disappeared again?

scare away thunder.

Einstein said of Niels Bohr, "not often in life has a human being caused me such joy by his mere presence as you did."
unrelated, Niels Bohr said, "some subjects are so serious that one can only joke about them."

Matt: either i am really fucking high... and i mean so fucking high that i dont even know i took drugs, or there is a big fucking bat flying around my room
me: thats pretty cool.

"no discernible genitalia" -Stefan

who wrote the bible? where did they live? what did they know? why does the guy on the street corner with the sign about the 'end' being 'near' not seem as trustworthy as the good book itself? why arent the miracles of the bible ever interpreted as illusions, the way david blaine and david copperfields 'magic' is? if god controls everything, he must have wanted me to be an atheist.

while i was in california, my mother told my aunt that i was in my 'atheism phase'. i need to figure out how to nicely explain that it seems unlikely to be a 'phase' of atheism. for as long as i can remember ive been an atheist, i just hid it from her; i lied in order to make her and my father happy. stood there for years and nodded yeses in understanding of their unbelievable beliefs. but i never once thought it was true, at least not that i am consciously aware of. for some time i was close to being a deist, but that is too speculative. i find the idea that some supernatural force exists to be fantastic, let alone one with a consciousness, 'who' can 'speak' humankind's languages.

when you find what youre looking for, will you know what it is?

infatuated by his great folly.
will i cover the distance myself?

bottom line.
id love to turn you on.


bug in jar

we are restricting, and reducing the valid places for supernaturalism.

i think i have a good conceptual understanding of consciousness, all of the sudden. a really good understanding; suddenly it seems very obvious that consciousness is very similar to sight, touch, and our other senses. the senses provide input to the brain, the brain makes decisions (computes) to produce output. in simpler animals, the brain's computations are based on maybe two or three sets of data: sensory input (sight, sound, touch), instinctual habits (preprogrammed), and learned memory (previous experiences). but in a more complicated brain, there is an additional sensory input, the ability to observe the computation. self awareness is simply that, its the observation that there is computing occurring. instead of a previous experience, or an environmental situation, or instinctual habit influencing the 'direction' of a single decision that the brain is computing, the very observation that it is computing influences it. so we can decide to 'misbehave' or act contradictory to people's expectations simply on a whim. this makes behavior that much harder to comprehend. prediction shortens to moments, if that. i dont want to be thinking any more.

as hard as i am to read, is as hard as it is for me to read other people.

i need a girl who is very tolerant of my very seriously retarded social skills. and i dont mean that in the slang sort of way: my social skills are severely retarded, probably on par with a very young child.

my ability to communicate is entirely dependent on an individual's ability to speak my language.

in another time
in another place
we remembered that.

there is definitely something important to see in the application of Gödel's incompleteness theorems to physical reality and the "search" for "truth", but i cant quite see what it is yet. it seems very clear to me that morality does not have any real basis, and is a relative/subjective measure, but 'truth' in general? holy shit, wait, maybe we can circumvent Gödel since we can never know the axioms of reality... the concept of truth i suppose falls apart in some sense. these thoughts feel very incomplete, and i dont want to think of them any longer.

its that stupid little bow.

on his site, Robin Hanson says, "Do you find it hard to summarize yourself in a few words? Me too."
actually, no, i dont have much difficulty doing that. i can be summarized thusly: the abilene paradox.

okay, i think what i want to study is quantum physics with the intention of expanding/developing our interpretation with respect to physical computing. or physics and computation. or the physics of quantum computing. how fitting that the concepts of black versus white are annihilated at the very most fundamental level of quantum particles (that is, the principle of superposition destroys the concept of mutual exclusivity, for very specific cases that is).

does it make any sense for me to say im a misanthrope who cherishes humanity?

he says he helps the people at the soup kitchen because it makes them feel good when he eats their soup. they feel good when they help people. but then the other man points out that he is helping himself, since he feels good when he helps them.

always be climbing, always. telephone poles, fences, rehab centers

most people think all the wrong things are important.
most people thing all the important things are wrong.
it would irritate you.

tell me something that you dont want to tell me.