im mostly just not comfortable with the magnitude of the effect this is having on me.
like im angry that it makes me angry.
and angry that it makes me sad.
and i still havent come to terms.
i still havent figured it out.
i still havent understood.
such a strange universe in which the line between free will and determinism is so blurry.
we cant see further than we can see.
there are about 200 million centuries between the birth and death of the sun.
the rich get richer
to learn (or understand better):
maybe try to write some how you feel. or try to write to grandma or clean more.
dance all night with your hand on my ass or make a move?
its just like breathing. you breath, dont you?
okay, so how many tests do i have to do to establish order?
seems like we could create a sort of phase space for the solutions, and a map or guide to specific solutions based on a smaller number of tests. but maybe the number of tests isnt much smaller.
mathematica functions to learn better: apply, function, slot
okay, now im thinking that we could examine the 'strength' of a mathematical system, or maybe more its breadth or width or something, by how restrictive it is to the imagination, or something. basically, the axioms of mathematics reduce the number of things which are possible. the very most basic axiom in all of the sciences/logics/mathematical disciplines would be that logic, or maybe more basically, truth, holds. obviously much more could happen in the universe if truth were not a valid concept, and so we figure at the very least we can rely on that. then we add all sorts of additional assumptions; ZFC is such a set. we now know that systems (descriptions? axiomatic sets/systems?) above some certain threshold of potency are necessarily incomplete (thank you Gödel). mathematicians can choose which level they work on, by choosing which set of axioms to utilize.
you have no expiration date.
love me fiercely
love letter to nowhere
on mythbusters he said, "this is not gonna rip my fillings out, is it?"
but i thought he said, "this is not gonna rip my feelings out, is it?"
everyones told me how smart i am. its just natural to assume most people must be dumb. right? i mean, how else can i interpret that? ive spent a long time fighting 'im smart', but why bother? ive already become arrogant, i might as well run with it. actually, wait, i still want to resist calling myself smart. ive got a lot of very clear reasons why that isnt the case.
in the end i guess the questions ring down to: what do we want? and why dont we have it? and i feel like i have almost everything i want, or i have a very accessible route towards anything i want in the future. except, i want to fall madly in love, and that has always been a mystery to me. that is the nerve wracking desire. its never quite seemed to happen. because you cant just fall madly in love with someone at will. its not something you control. and its not something they control either. they have to do it too. and ive never quite lined up my love with theirs. it seems like we have always been just a few moments offset.
cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.
watching this movie, bickford's cool ideas, makes me think i should befriend the schizophrenic guy in keene.
it seems to me that 'growing up', for me at least, is a process of accepting the retarded aspects of the world and dealing with them appropriately. stated that way, i am not really interested in growing up, ever. if thats really what im thinking, i dont want to ever grow up.