i was afraid for you

forever inaccessible. both profound and silly. dont be afraid dont be afraid dont be afraid. dont fear death, its happens to everyone. dont fear everyone, theyre barely any different then you. dont fear life, its pretty much everything. and anything else that people fear, is unneeded. today ive begun saying the little things people enjoy. hey, that grandfather clock is not running. nice hearts on your window there. modest hopes. i think im living in a sunset. she hung up just one second too late. but one second too soon sounds better. follow the porn.

i need something to fill my mind. thats how it works, it doesnt have to be anything in particular. certain things certainly work better than others, but that doesnt matter. it does not matter what it is, as long as it works. problems work. physics work. mathematics work. science works. people work. i have plenty of options, i just chose one.
my strongest skills are probably patience and persistence.
Bacon said something about men noticing when things hit, but not taking note when they miss, and i believe the statement was referring to our ability to read into things. ive known, and understood this for a very long time, at least since high school. but suddenly i realize, the process of taking note when it works and not when it doesnt, its a filtering process. we cannot remember every number we see, but we can remember the ones that have apparent significance.

ive been having out of mind experiences lately.

so a young boy, who lives in the woods, reads book after book about airplanes. but none ever fly overhead, and the books have no pictures, and he has never been out of the woods. but the descriptions in the book, they inspire images in the mind; the boy dreams up airfoils and ailerons, cockpits and landing-gear, pitch yaw and roll. but he never once sets eyes on an airplane. then one day, he ventures out of the forrest. or maybe hes forced. maybe his home gets harvested. he discovers the world. and he discovers that no matter how well he thought he understood airplanes, he had absolutely no idea what they were really about. this story went to shit somewhere. i feel like communication and people might be my airplane.

i have a lot of the 'help you move body(s)' type friends.

i guess seth lloyd said, "the proof is in eating the pudding". we are not dealing with armchair skeptics here.
once people like you, i dont think theyll ever not like you. they might hate you, but theyll still like you. that sounds stupid, but its true. "too hot for radio." what sort of things do i find funny? just smile. for no particular reason. grin. --i want to say 'splendid' more often'-- i wish to encourage a free, open society. in which participation is mandatory! no, i am kidding. that wouldnt make any sense of course. it seemed like it took just a few seconds; and forever.

i think the concepts of there being a 'right' and a 'wrong' cause a lot more problems than it solves. people seem to think that having a right and a wrong in life give them direction, as if they have something to fight against, or fight for, something to regret, or take pride in. something to fear something to love.

is it 'safe' to say that religion is a very weak form of mysticism, or do i need to find something slightly more general than mysticism, that contains both beliefs. maybe i should just say i reject un-justified beliefs of all kinds. "The workings of the mind are not witnessable by other observers; its career is private." i like the phrasing, although i disagree.

lie to others. dont lie to yourself. and i need you to know how sorry i am. which is why for me, i know ill never be redeemed.

i think my ability to comprehend people has either decreased in the last several months, or my awareness of my inability to comprehend people has increased, i cant tell which.

wait, weird. i can still think about complex topics, consider complex ideas. but i seem to have an increasing awareness of my inability to read what ive written, or other people tell me. maybe its only at times, hard to say. like bacon wrote, we notice the hits, we forget the misses. basically, i seem to read, or listen to someone, for just a moment, before my mind wanders from whatever i was reading (or someone was saying) to focus on the fact that i have no idea what is being 'said' (or written). from that point on i struggle to not think about the fact that im not paying attention, and try to start reading/listening again. but it doesnt work. it doesnt work.

im not prepared to believe i did so well.

the motivation for the thinking that follows, was hearing a lot of good music ____ (insert good word for 'coming out of') mr bryant naro's room, and thinking, is it reasonable to believe that someday, my computer could 'know' me (not in the biblical sense) well enough to play new music it knows i have not heard before, but which has a high probability of being liked by me? in other words, could my computer reliably pick music i like? i know there are a number of methods of doing that now, but none would compare to a sufficiently developed AI, i dont believe. one that could begin to 'listen' to the music itself, and find out what it is about one song to the next that makes me enjoy it or not. anyway, following those thoughts were these:
so this is kind of fun to think about: AI scientists are hard at work trying to make computers think like humans. or maybe even more so, computers that are indistinguisable from humans (at least from a remote sense; see turing AI test). so in the dichotomy between rigid logical thought, and nebulous emotional thought (note, not logical does not imply necessarily illogical, in this sense it is used to mean thought based on feelings rather than logic/rational, and although rational reasoning can lead to justification of feelings, feelings should never be a consequence of logic, they should be a consequence of feeling.) back to the dichotomy, the rational/logical side is working fervently to replace itself. but no such event will take place in the emotional thought side, as there is no reason to ever create AI to replace our feelings. in fact, feelings are an inherently internal aspect, as where logic and reason is an inherently external aspect.
all benefit from logical thought (or may). emotional thought is much more self-centered (not in a negative way.)
intuitive vs rational sounds very good, but misses a point somehow.
between intuitive and rational thought, rational thought is working very hard to automate itself with machines.
at first i thought inuitive vs rational sounded good, but now i see the flaw. you can have intuition about rational thought. feeling tends to seem intuitive, but its more that it is natural.

does dignity come from some other word? seems like it should.

assuming someone actually reads to this point, im sorry that these posts have become so long and degenerate. although i dont have any valid reason to apologize for something i write without intent and you read without obligation.

i was afraid for you. the graves are not yet full.

and i will always remain these things.