beauty is not self-assessable

funny how the weekend is my one chance to catch up on sleep. and in the past i took advantage of that, in high school. now i think i deprive myself of sleep even more during the weekend than the weekdays.

for the moment.

people are far too polite, sometimes. i would much prefer to be told that i am terrible at something rather than being allowed to continue thinking that i am okay at it. especially if i consider the person telling me to an authority figure on the matter, which is just to say, when my math professors tell me im not good at math, ill take it more seriously than when my friends tell me.

i see two clear (immediately apparent) explanations to timidness. the timid person may be afraid of getting hurt by people. and the timid person may be afraid of hurting people. they say a lot of people drink too much water. well i assure you, not me. its pretty difficult to drink 'too much' water when you drink as much urine as i do. we all think way too much. when i knock on a door, i do it somewhat softly, as to not disturb people. but thats the whole fucking point of knocking on a door. im listening to loud music, a loud knock will not disturb me. oh shit, im seriously forgetting what im thinking about just seconds after i think it. constantly. this is a problem.

i fought the angels here today.

hmmm, stefan said, " 'nothing shows true fortitude of character quite like learning to live with a bad decision.' <--I love that quote" and it makes me think about how i generally dont make too many bad decisions. leading me to believe i probably dont have much fortitude of character. actually, if i dont make bad decisions, it has to be at least in part to my lack of decision making in general. i just dont make many decisions.

"studies show that joining an angry mob is a great way for teens to avoid getting caught up in a gang."

i had a bottle cap once that said, "your luck will completely change today." it made me real worried, caues in general things go pretty well for me, which could be interpreted as 'good luck'. in which case the softdrink manufacturers were informing me that bad things were to begin happening! what i need is a partner in crime. someone to help me make bad decisions. an accomplice. what i need is a girlfriend.

dont let me take an inch, ill think you gave me a mile.

oh man, lately i havent been paying attention too well, but i just wrote some song lyrics without paying attention to it, it was weird. i was actively thinking about something else, but i still wrote what i wanted to. a lot of weird things are happening in my head lately. this morning i went to email my resume to a friend at smiths medical, and i found my resume on my computer, switched to the browser to open a tab for gmail, and then i forgot why i opened the tab. and then tonight i made some microwave food, and i forgot that i made it, so when i walked into the kitchen and smelled it, i was like... oh yeah, food! even though it only takes two minutes to cook. once i hid the browser to do something else, i saw the resume folder again and was like, oh yeah, email resume! then i almost forgot that i had forgotten in the first place. its like im in a dream or something.

get me angry, ill go further.

im trying to quit the factoring problem. its just a wise move. im also hoping to make unwise decisions. i didnt make a lot of mistakes as a teenager, when you get all those chances to blame it on your youth. now ill have to blame it on my curiosity, maybe i can blame it on something else abstract. ill blame my experience. ill blame my good looks. ill blame my amoral outlook. blame clinton. blame bush. ill blame society. ill blame you. whoever you are. ill blame parents or upbrining, molestation or drugs or lack thereof. just pick something. to be honest, i want to make bad decisions. itd be a nice change of pace. a worthwhile experience. itll build character. like datura. to quote mr Carey, "that which makes me stronger, may fuck me up real bad."

from now on, when people say to me, "im not a math person", i will respond with, "well, i think there is a medication for that now. you should ask your doctor about it."

for some reason i feel like there is something much more important to say, or describe, or explore, in my mind. i should be studying for number theory, or reading for history, or working on electricity and magnetism problems, but i wouldnt normally anyway, so i need to stop thinking thats a serious problem. but what could be really more important to express? to explore? to describe? i dont know. it eludes me. im not used to that i dont think, being eluded from. but it seems more and more common lately.

how do you define worst?

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