i want to de-emphasize existence.

all of the sudden i wish it were pouring rain outside.

i thought about it. why? because i think about everything. its a bad habit. a vice even maybe perhaps.

i really like the (common) phrase, "made me laugh". i dont normally think of laughter as something that is completely out of my control, but it is! isnt that fun!?

this isnt what i wanted. itll have to improve.

in short, it stood an object of terror and delight. giving an inch, taking a mile, our perspectives are greatly different.

walmart sells on thrift. people need to realize there are more important things than money.

"why should i be made to feel i have to apologize for my existence?" self-referential satire.

its like a bad dream, where you cant get to where you are going.

wait a second, i worried a lot last night, about how i wasnt studying for number theory, doing e and m, and reading for history. but today, those things pretty much all worked out fine. so if i had spent time doing all that yesterday, in some sense it would have been a waste! not only do i not continue to learn my lesson, i actually learn the opposite!!!

knock yourself out. i mean, up.

i think ive grown discontent with movies and music, in general. at first i thought maybe it was only the music and movies ive got, but then i realized, i dont want to hear any new music either. and i have a lot of movies and shows and things people have given to me, that i also dont want to watch. this is reinforcing my idea that i need a girlfriend. or maybe i should get a job.

you? youre pretty all over.

i love broken english:
"Oh yes, and the onions… I like them very much, I add them to much of what I eat and accordingly if I’m going to buy myself some onions I don’t buy 3 onions but 5kg so that I have a supply for two months. I put them in refrigerator and it never happens that these onions rot or anything like that.
And yesterday, after I opened my refrigerator for the first time in about 4 weeks (I was back in Szczecin for this long) I discovered that 3 of my precious onions produced green shoots! In refrigerator. For 1.5 month. I was stunned! Almost touched! I just can’t eat them now - this great force of life makes me shed a tear. I moved them out of refrigerator onto windowsill and on monday I’ll buy them some soil and a flowerpot."

sometimes truth finds reason.

its hard to be sure, but im fairly certain that i dont see any difference between love and lust. what difference do you see? you tend to have insight into these questions that i dont, so i figure its a good idea to ask. its hard to be sure its hard to be sure.

al gore points out the tobacco industry leaked memo said, "doubt is our product. since it is the best means of creating controversy in the public's mind." they realized creating controversy was the way to go. same with the fucking creationists. we need to fight back. fight back with their criminal means. "reposition global warming as theory rather than fact". we need to use this against religion. doubt is our product. doubt is our product. fight back with their criminal means.

no wonder. people are confused.
no wonder, people are confused.
no wonder people are confused.

aw crap, you got blood on my knife!
...well, you got knife in my blood.

rarity breeds value. or maybe more so appreciation.

"The phrase exponential growth is often used in nontechnical contexts to mean merely surprisingly fast growth."
surprisingly fast. i like that phrase.

touch is having or getting zero distance. zero distance sounds so nice.

the greatest motivator always, i think, is extreme interest. boy did i luck out, eh?


obligatory rant.
when people get angry about things, they usually run against them. and lately ive been angry about "doing something with my life" and angry about 'meaning' in things. ive never been ambitious (at least not for the sake of anything other than my own personal enjoyment of completing whatever thing someone else has deemed ambitious), but lately ive been anti-ambitious. i hear people tell me they dont know what they want to do with themselves. they dont know where they want to go. fuck that. i dont want to go somewhere specifically. i dont want to accomplish anything specific. ill go anywhere, do anything, if i enjoy it. and if half way through i dont enjoy it, then im not gonna keep doing it. necessities i suppose ill continue (start?) to do, out of survival. but we live in such a prosperous society, why the fuck are any of us stuck doing anything we dont want? dont we realize that we are the ones who make these decisions? we are the ones that control this place? when i do do things, i dont want them to have meaning. i want to move enormous stones, out of pure desire.
people ask why did the ancients do [blank]? well, maybe they were just fucking bored! we get bored even with hundreds of movies, thousands of songs, internet, books, television, radio, theater, concerts, art exhibits, festivals of all sorts. people have ten million times as many options for ways to fill their free time now, and theyre still fucking bored. somehow people cant accept the idea of creation for the sake of creation. i want to fucking quit this society.
thursday i went to masiello employment services, so that i could get hired at smiths as an intern for a couple of weeks, and it was the most unpleasant, annoying experience ive had this year. and without reason! i need to get some boots or something so i can take walks in the snow.
understand this: i am not anti technology, but i do think that the conventional wisdom applied to modern life is failing miserably. i also think the correction is to abandon all conventional wisdom, and do as you fucking please.

i want to de-emphasize meaning.
i want to de-emphasize existence.

i guess im growing discontent with society in general.

its a beautiful night; the city is foggy.