excessive compulsive.

there are actually lyrics to this song, i never knew that:
may day, every day. my day, couldve had a heart attack. we all want something fair, my heart. out of town, out of sight, is my heart. queen of lies, today, my heart. one more on the phone, my heart. one more at the door of my heart. mean heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart. --tourettes--

somehow im okay with double standards that place me below other people. why is that?

god does not understand entropy. honestly, i dont understand it that well either, its a somewhat elusive concept in many ways. but i definitely understand it better than god.

after the accident, her attitude changed, and she began to believe that life isnt fair. why is it that we always think life must be fair or not fair? it is not either. the concepts of fair and not fair only make sense relative to individuals, or groups of individuals. outside of that context, theres no such thing. the universe is indifferent to our existence. not against; not for.

i was sitting in a room in the math building, when a girl behind me started talking about some silly thing she did or wanted to do to a friend of hers. and she began laughing and it all sounded very stupid. and i began wondering, why is it that i dont hate people? i cannot figure it out. over and over and over again, i learn that i am not a member of this club. but still i default to including myself.

have i let down jade? have i gotten caught up in things too small? mike says im the type of person we (the professors) want in grad school, because i seem to find this stuff genuinely interesting, which is definitely true. i might also be the type of person we do not want in grad school, cause i dont tend to do any work unless it is absolutely necessary, or if i am interested in it. maybe grad school id get to focus more on things im interested in.

excessive compulsive.

if you think that you feel a certain way, is there any possible way that you could be lying? and by 'you' i mean 'me'. is there a way for me to lie to myself, yet be completely convinced what im saying is true? of course, this needs to be with regards to feelings specifically. for instance, i know that if i lie to myself about say... my weight, yes, we can use that as an example. im pretty skinny, so let us pretend i am anorexic, or have some similarly dangerous disorder. it seems reasonable to me that i could lie to myself about how skinny i am, and be totally convinced of that belief. but now feelings are different, since, what are your feelings besides your beliefs of your feelings? is it possible to 'feel' sick and be convinced that you do not 'feel' sick? wouldnt it be obvious to you that you were lying?
i suppose i have found another way to phrase the problem: are your feelings separate from what you believe your feelings are? or are your feelings nothing more than what you believe them to be?

how genetic is intelligence? i could imagine that the environmental influence could exaggerate the apparent influence of genetics...

"whos got what it takes to party with nixon?"

unfortunately, i was well trained.

tell me your real name please.
why? because its unlike me. because, would you ever expect me to do it? no? me neither. and thats why i need to do it. i cant be myself. i cant be anybody. much better to be nobody than to be somebody.

and i would let you tell me what it is.

so i just got this great idea to get a rope, tie it to my radiator, and climb out my window down to the street. passing the idea by bryant chris and stefan only made matters worse, as they agreed it would be hilarious, offering up suggestions of a swat team costume, a burglar outfit, a giant sack with a money sign on it, and doing it when a huge crowd was outside the colonial. now i feel too dedicated to it to abandon it. crap!

why are humans so fucked up? what the hell is our problem?

why is it so easy for us humans to be awkward around someone we respect? the dumbest one is when people freak out around actors, in my opinion. actors are nothing more than people who pretend to be something they are not, professionally. see also: con-artists. see also: human beings. see also: me. why is it so hard to remember (and learn and understand) that we are all just human beings, none of us any more than a tiny bit different than any other one of us.

to seperate oneself from the collection of biases obtained in the developmental stage of growing up, i think, is one of the most important states an individual can attain.
that sounds sufficiently inconsistent (in style) to the above question, "why are humans so fucked up..."

i am in love with Emmy Noether.

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