sometimes i cannot tell hot from cold.
trouble. taking place. there was trouble, taking place.
cooking with cody: the bagel conducts heat into the butter, melting it. yum. once the bagel is sufficiently soaked by the butter, we can pour a modest amount of sugar on top, which will also soak up the butter. butter soaked sugar has a nice look to it, kind of translucent, like quartz. yeah, i shouldnt be allowed to make my own food probably. how is it that i am still alive?
because with sufficient intelligence, one can convince oneself of anything.
by way of the green line bus. as usual, she was late. stand up straight let get a look at you. whats so funny? (shrugs). well its nice to see you too. im very sorry for your loss. your mother was a terribly attractive woman. hell of a damn grave. wish it were mine. im the one that failed them. or anyway, its nobody's fault. i, couldnt even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question. im taking about putting a brick through the other guys windshield. im talking about, taking it out, and chopping it up. its against the law.
i have a dentist appointment on thursday at eleven. isnt that excitement?
this is mildly humorous: the last few days stefan was driving my car, to practice, because hes probably going to get a car from his grandparents that has a standard transmission, which he hasnt really ever gotten comfortable driving. so i drove around with him some, and on occasion he would let the clutch out while in gear and stopped. really only maybe two or three times, usually while parking and turning the car off. its a very reasonable mistake of ordering on his part. now the funny part, to me, that ordering is very well known, so my first reaction is surprise, that he would do it backwards (turn car off, then let clutch out). but then i realize hes not used to it, no big deal. so i just went to get a glass of water, from bryants filter thing in the refrigerator, and its got a little nozzle you flip open, then you fill the glass. and i wanted to pull the glass away before closing the nozzle. i caught myself, and did it in the correct order, but i wanted to do it the reverse, im not sure why. it would have been fun, to pour water all over the kitchen. okay, so its not really funny at all. shut up. thats why.
you are not omniscient, are you?
"example from my own life: not knowing what a brain was and unable to understand that anything I wasn’t directly perceiving could still exist, but automatically and randomly identifying a particular handshake as Masonic"-Amanda
this is fucked, up. fucked up. it should be obvious. but its not.
a whisper of a thrill. i want you to get swept away. i want you to levitate. be deliriously happy. the truth is honey theres no sense living your life without this. who knows, lightning could strike. sorry, i was just being agreeable. do you mind me saying that? listen, did i say something wrong? am i dreaming this? are you a dream? it seemed a frequent thing. sometimes i speculate, that i havent left room for anything else. our adventure would end, abruptly. im sorry, i didnt mean to pry, and uh, you obviously didnt want to tell me so we'll just... we'll just leave it a mystery... that is the way you want it, isnt it? (yes, thank you). mr bad news.
EASTER:
It nice it happen to you. It like
you came to Cat Island and you had
a holiday, sun didn't burn you red,
just brown, sleep no mosquito eat
you, rum no poung you head nex' day.
But trut' is, dat bound to happen,
you stay long enough. So tak dat
nice picture home wi' you, but don'
be fooled. We lonely here mostly,
too. If we lucky, we got some nice
pictures.
if we lucky, we got some nice pictures. i find myself a little confused. because she knows the worst thing about me and its okay. that felt like goodbye. thank you for loving me.
a philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer said, "what now on the other hand makes people sociable is their incapacity to endure solitude and thus themselves." as an anti-socialite, i think i have a large capacity to endure solitude, and perhaps therefore myself?
you heart pi[e]? do you mean the number or the food? of course, lets not restrict ourselves to exclusive two-value logic here, you can of course like both.
is it strange that i appear very uptight and rigid in my behavior, yet also very flexible and unconcerned? after some thought, i think i know why. i think it is because i am very precise, meticulous, in my behavior, which comes across as uptight and rigid. but then im really not concerned with most of the world, it just isnt interesting. to be honest. and so its hard to be uptight about stuff you dont think is important.
to be honest.
why do people work so hard to protect me? i might be stupid and inexperienced, but im not fragile. i can handle disappointment. i can accept letdowns.
3/27/2007
3/24/2007
this much
if i were a medical doctor, i would recommend that people eat more of these jello cups with fruit in them. they are tasty.
i want to stop exaggerating things. not that i have been doing it intentionally, its just kind of natural.
"ill go into peoples houses at night and wreck up the place!" - richard nixon's head.
ah ha! if we really understood what it meant to be intelligent, wouldnt we just be able to be intelligent at will? i believe that ideas like general semantics may be approaching some of the methods that 'intelligent' people utilize, in which case, 'non-intelligent' people would be able to learn to be intelligent. so learn about general semantics. also, think and talk more about what Russell said, that in science, the first things to be understood were the things most distant from us (for instance the motion of the planets), and the last will be the things closest to us (like consciousness). it is unfortunate that i am so familiar with attractive girl's faces, as Russell stated, we understand last what we are most familiar with, and i cannot draw girls faces so well. but they are so attractive. its hard not to be familiar with them.
rilly silly? really seally?
recently i have become very angry about the term "the real world". isnt it obvious? there is no real world. we just made it up, all of it. and every society, every generation, every individual has the choice to either uphold the status quo, or to make it what we think is best. best, historically, has followed many conventions, best for the church, best for the country, best for god... personally, i believe what is best is what maximizes happiness for the individuals. and maximizing the number of individuals for which best occurs, is my goal. although maybe i havent thought any of that through enough, i dont know.
-There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
-...the main achievement of Einstein was precisely in the fact that he refused to divide verbally time and space, which experimentally cannot be so divided.
-Alfred Korzybski
funny thing about weekends when youre unemployed. they dont mean quite so much. cept you get to hang out with your working friends.
i want to describe, in detail, what i now believe intelligence to be : something about ability to accumulate, interpret, and utilize information. but also, would a really intelligent person be really sad? or really happy? i believe it is impossible to say. intelligence can lead to false conclusions, and false conclusions might be needed to be happy or sad.
so i was thinking, if we could explain physics in terms of number theory, then that would be a really powerful tool to fight creationists. it seems to me that if physics can be described with number theory, then that in some sense constitutes a proof of the nonexistence of a creator. which is weird, cause for a long time ive felt very strongly that such a proof cannot exist. in fact, for a long time ive felt that no true proof can ever exist about reality in general, since everything is open to our interpretation. but if number theory were to explain our most intimate physical theories, then i would feel comfortable saying, regardless of what this reality actually is, it is independent of any creator, i think. the situation is more complex than that, but i dont really care. also, i will remain a strict physicalist regardless of any of this. just because i dont see any way to prove things, doesnt mean that the answers arent self evident.
consider my mind blown.
okay, update on the godless proof, it wouldnt prove the nonexistence of god, but it would certainly remove any 'design' from reality, if there were a creator, he must obey the laws of mathematics, and so must the universe. actually, one thought that came out of all this that i really enjoy, is a way of thinking about mathematics. mathematics is a collection of the most concrete things in the universe, within mathematics are statements which are known with absolute certainty to be true or false. however, mathematics is also completely abstract, conceptual. it is not 'concrete' in any physical sense (obviously).
so, intelligence is, in my opinion, the ability to accumulate, interpret, and apply information. i seem to accel at the first, at least where matters of science are concerned. and i tend to think that i am not very good at the last one, in general. why am i so hung up on girls? i know plenty of intelligent people who do know concern themselves with romance. why is it than that i am so consumed?
Dear Professor Einstein, i am sorry, but i disagree with you on your views of religion. while i agree your thoughts on it are a way to make religion useful, and good, and that in principle it should be this way, the practical application of religion is far from this, and remains so.
also, this morning i wondered, Godel's incompleteness theorems, so what? so who cares if mathematics is always necessarily incomplete. isnt it fitting to know there is an unending amount to discover? there is no limit on the distance to which we take it. also, if number theory does imply physics, then it seems a theory of everything might be necessarily infinitely long. perhaps requiring an infinite number of adjustments to produce your final answer, the way the prime counting function appears to be reproduced with the approximation and the riemann zeta function.
i think, judging by previous experience, that gravity and the electroweak force are probably one and the same. in fact, its likely all forces are one, since the past tends to point to that.
if you did have a black hole, and you threw huge amounts of charged mass into it, or just charge, to increase its charge, could you eventually blow it apart with electric charge?
you are what you eat. im mostly a pig and a chicken. (more chicken than pig)
sometime late in high school, or maybe afterwards, i began to say, "i dont make friends, friends make me". which meant two things. i felt, very strongly that not only was i passive in my friendships, (so my friends were my friends because they had pursued a friendship), but also that my behavior was largely based on being pleasant for others. so i became what i thought my friends wanted me to be, in some sense. recently i remembered all this, and i immediately felt that while the first meaning of the phrase "i dont make friends, friends make me" still held true, that the second phrase no longer did. upon further reflection however, i realized that the second meaning still holds as well, and that the exceptions come from my experience in physics. in the company of close friends, when discussing science or mathematics, my behavior is not influenced by them, its actually me. where the phrase does still apply is within more common social settings, or with less familiar people, when discussing less interesting topics.
so if you want to get to know me, just ask about the world.
there are moments in which i feel as if the entire world makes sense.
in which i feel as if i understand it all.
in which everything seems profoundly beautiful.
and then the most beautiful feelings overwhelm me, for a moment.
so often these states are triggered, it would be hard not to enjoy this.
i want to stop exaggerating things. not that i have been doing it intentionally, its just kind of natural.
"ill go into peoples houses at night and wreck up the place!" - richard nixon's head.
ah ha! if we really understood what it meant to be intelligent, wouldnt we just be able to be intelligent at will? i believe that ideas like general semantics may be approaching some of the methods that 'intelligent' people utilize, in which case, 'non-intelligent' people would be able to learn to be intelligent. so learn about general semantics. also, think and talk more about what Russell said, that in science, the first things to be understood were the things most distant from us (for instance the motion of the planets), and the last will be the things closest to us (like consciousness). it is unfortunate that i am so familiar with attractive girl's faces, as Russell stated, we understand last what we are most familiar with, and i cannot draw girls faces so well. but they are so attractive. its hard not to be familiar with them.
rilly silly? really seally?
recently i have become very angry about the term "the real world". isnt it obvious? there is no real world. we just made it up, all of it. and every society, every generation, every individual has the choice to either uphold the status quo, or to make it what we think is best. best, historically, has followed many conventions, best for the church, best for the country, best for god... personally, i believe what is best is what maximizes happiness for the individuals. and maximizing the number of individuals for which best occurs, is my goal. although maybe i havent thought any of that through enough, i dont know.
-There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
-...the main achievement of Einstein was precisely in the fact that he refused to divide verbally time and space, which experimentally cannot be so divided.
-Alfred Korzybski
funny thing about weekends when youre unemployed. they dont mean quite so much. cept you get to hang out with your working friends.
i want to describe, in detail, what i now believe intelligence to be : something about ability to accumulate, interpret, and utilize information. but also, would a really intelligent person be really sad? or really happy? i believe it is impossible to say. intelligence can lead to false conclusions, and false conclusions might be needed to be happy or sad.
so i was thinking, if we could explain physics in terms of number theory, then that would be a really powerful tool to fight creationists. it seems to me that if physics can be described with number theory, then that in some sense constitutes a proof of the nonexistence of a creator. which is weird, cause for a long time ive felt very strongly that such a proof cannot exist. in fact, for a long time ive felt that no true proof can ever exist about reality in general, since everything is open to our interpretation. but if number theory were to explain our most intimate physical theories, then i would feel comfortable saying, regardless of what this reality actually is, it is independent of any creator, i think. the situation is more complex than that, but i dont really care. also, i will remain a strict physicalist regardless of any of this. just because i dont see any way to prove things, doesnt mean that the answers arent self evident.
consider my mind blown.
okay, update on the godless proof, it wouldnt prove the nonexistence of god, but it would certainly remove any 'design' from reality, if there were a creator, he must obey the laws of mathematics, and so must the universe. actually, one thought that came out of all this that i really enjoy, is a way of thinking about mathematics. mathematics is a collection of the most concrete things in the universe, within mathematics are statements which are known with absolute certainty to be true or false. however, mathematics is also completely abstract, conceptual. it is not 'concrete' in any physical sense (obviously).
so, intelligence is, in my opinion, the ability to accumulate, interpret, and apply information. i seem to accel at the first, at least where matters of science are concerned. and i tend to think that i am not very good at the last one, in general. why am i so hung up on girls? i know plenty of intelligent people who do know concern themselves with romance. why is it than that i am so consumed?
Dear Professor Einstein, i am sorry, but i disagree with you on your views of religion. while i agree your thoughts on it are a way to make religion useful, and good, and that in principle it should be this way, the practical application of religion is far from this, and remains so.
also, this morning i wondered, Godel's incompleteness theorems, so what? so who cares if mathematics is always necessarily incomplete. isnt it fitting to know there is an unending amount to discover? there is no limit on the distance to which we take it. also, if number theory does imply physics, then it seems a theory of everything might be necessarily infinitely long. perhaps requiring an infinite number of adjustments to produce your final answer, the way the prime counting function appears to be reproduced with the approximation and the riemann zeta function.
i think, judging by previous experience, that gravity and the electroweak force are probably one and the same. in fact, its likely all forces are one, since the past tends to point to that.
if you did have a black hole, and you threw huge amounts of charged mass into it, or just charge, to increase its charge, could you eventually blow it apart with electric charge?
you are what you eat. im mostly a pig and a chicken. (more chicken than pig)
sometime late in high school, or maybe afterwards, i began to say, "i dont make friends, friends make me". which meant two things. i felt, very strongly that not only was i passive in my friendships, (so my friends were my friends because they had pursued a friendship), but also that my behavior was largely based on being pleasant for others. so i became what i thought my friends wanted me to be, in some sense. recently i remembered all this, and i immediately felt that while the first meaning of the phrase "i dont make friends, friends make me" still held true, that the second phrase no longer did. upon further reflection however, i realized that the second meaning still holds as well, and that the exceptions come from my experience in physics. in the company of close friends, when discussing science or mathematics, my behavior is not influenced by them, its actually me. where the phrase does still apply is within more common social settings, or with less familiar people, when discussing less interesting topics.
so if you want to get to know me, just ask about the world.
there are moments in which i feel as if the entire world makes sense.
in which i feel as if i understand it all.
in which everything seems profoundly beautiful.
and then the most beautiful feelings overwhelm me, for a moment.
so often these states are triggered, it would be hard not to enjoy this.
3/22/2007
kiss me, youre beautiful.
number theory as the ultimate physical theory? sounds good to me.
do plants/all animals sleep?
bite the bullet.
prepare for the worst.
fucking BREAK-OUT, seriously, just go fucking run AMUCK.
i need to work on suspension of disbelief. im not very good at that currently.
how much it would hurt to abandon them.
let us call it fragment poetry.
if you promise to keep up with my breathing,
ill promise to keep up with your heartbeat.
no, not fragrant poetry.
very well, plot a solution.
you know, with 'in praise of idleness', he leaves out prisoners. prisoners only subtract from the productivity of society.
newest pickup line: hey, wanna get together and act like a couple members of an r-selected species with me? hey, you never know, maybe ill meet an attractive biologist. okay, so i dont like poppy seed bagels so much.
"forget it! im not going. i have my reasons. shut up all of you! --- my hip hurts - im in the middle of cooking a turkey - i have warranty cards to fill out - i am not just making excuses - alright, ill go." -professor freaksworth
according to my string-cheese, maine has no poisonous snakes, and is in fact the only state that can make that claim.
reading up about primes and the riemann hypothesis i feel it is imperative to remind myself; do not mistake the beauty of mathematics for creation. if there is one thing which is most definitely outside of creation, it is mathematics. truly mathematics is the realm of discovery.
peace out yall! -al gore
the mother, she loves her son. and so she cannot abandon him, cannot refuse him help. and we cannot tell how much her assistance inhibits his ability, (or more his motivation) to recover. but it seems just as reasonable that even without her help, he would not change. are some people just completely unreachable? how much it would hurt to abandon them. something logically impossible is called a contradiction.
no such appetites.
when i was young, i was often told to just be [my]self, as advice for dealing with social situations. and it worried me, it generated a great deal of anxiety in elementary school, throughout middle school, and at least partly in high school: who was i? how can i be myself if i dont know who myself is? i would notice my behavior changing between scenarios, and friends. sometime between junior year and now (or probably last year), i began to think that 'who i am' is unrelated to how i act, or behave. i learned to be. i spent too much time on the problem. i didnt see the forest for the trees.
theres always a pattern.
youre really not so far.
...
someone needs to hold you
before you slip away
because you always leave us guessing
pushing pieces round your plate
someone needs to show you
before you slip away
youre really not so far from us
youre really not so far.
do plants/all animals sleep?
bite the bullet.
prepare for the worst.
fucking BREAK-OUT, seriously, just go fucking run AMUCK.
i need to work on suspension of disbelief. im not very good at that currently.
how much it would hurt to abandon them.
let us call it fragment poetry.
if you promise to keep up with my breathing,
ill promise to keep up with your heartbeat.
no, not fragrant poetry.
very well, plot a solution.
you know, with 'in praise of idleness', he leaves out prisoners. prisoners only subtract from the productivity of society.
newest pickup line: hey, wanna get together and act like a couple members of an r-selected species with me? hey, you never know, maybe ill meet an attractive biologist. okay, so i dont like poppy seed bagels so much.
"forget it! im not going. i have my reasons. shut up all of you! --- my hip hurts - im in the middle of cooking a turkey - i have warranty cards to fill out - i am not just making excuses - alright, ill go." -professor freaksworth
according to my string-cheese, maine has no poisonous snakes, and is in fact the only state that can make that claim.
reading up about primes and the riemann hypothesis i feel it is imperative to remind myself; do not mistake the beauty of mathematics for creation. if there is one thing which is most definitely outside of creation, it is mathematics. truly mathematics is the realm of discovery.
peace out yall! -al gore
the mother, she loves her son. and so she cannot abandon him, cannot refuse him help. and we cannot tell how much her assistance inhibits his ability, (or more his motivation) to recover. but it seems just as reasonable that even without her help, he would not change. are some people just completely unreachable? how much it would hurt to abandon them. something logically impossible is called a contradiction.
no such appetites.
when i was young, i was often told to just be [my]self, as advice for dealing with social situations. and it worried me, it generated a great deal of anxiety in elementary school, throughout middle school, and at least partly in high school: who was i? how can i be myself if i dont know who myself is? i would notice my behavior changing between scenarios, and friends. sometime between junior year and now (or probably last year), i began to think that 'who i am' is unrelated to how i act, or behave. i learned to be. i spent too much time on the problem. i didnt see the forest for the trees.
theres always a pattern.
youre really not so far.
...
someone needs to hold you
before you slip away
because you always leave us guessing
pushing pieces round your plate
someone needs to show you
before you slip away
youre really not so far from us
youre really not so far.
3/18/2007
3/10/2007
excessive compulsive.
there are actually lyrics to this song, i never knew that:
may day, every day. my day, couldve had a heart attack. we all want something fair, my heart. out of town, out of sight, is my heart. queen of lies, today, my heart. one more on the phone, my heart. one more at the door of my heart. mean heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart. --tourettes--
somehow im okay with double standards that place me below other people. why is that?
god does not understand entropy. honestly, i dont understand it that well either, its a somewhat elusive concept in many ways. but i definitely understand it better than god.
after the accident, her attitude changed, and she began to believe that life isnt fair. why is it that we always think life must be fair or not fair? it is not either. the concepts of fair and not fair only make sense relative to individuals, or groups of individuals. outside of that context, theres no such thing. the universe is indifferent to our existence. not against; not for.
i was sitting in a room in the math building, when a girl behind me started talking about some silly thing she did or wanted to do to a friend of hers. and she began laughing and it all sounded very stupid. and i began wondering, why is it that i dont hate people? i cannot figure it out. over and over and over again, i learn that i am not a member of this club. but still i default to including myself.
have i let down jade? have i gotten caught up in things too small? mike says im the type of person we (the professors) want in grad school, because i seem to find this stuff genuinely interesting, which is definitely true. i might also be the type of person we do not want in grad school, cause i dont tend to do any work unless it is absolutely necessary, or if i am interested in it. maybe grad school id get to focus more on things im interested in.
excessive compulsive.
if you think that you feel a certain way, is there any possible way that you could be lying? and by 'you' i mean 'me'. is there a way for me to lie to myself, yet be completely convinced what im saying is true? of course, this needs to be with regards to feelings specifically. for instance, i know that if i lie to myself about say... my weight, yes, we can use that as an example. im pretty skinny, so let us pretend i am anorexic, or have some similarly dangerous disorder. it seems reasonable to me that i could lie to myself about how skinny i am, and be totally convinced of that belief. but now feelings are different, since, what are your feelings besides your beliefs of your feelings? is it possible to 'feel' sick and be convinced that you do not 'feel' sick? wouldnt it be obvious to you that you were lying?
i suppose i have found another way to phrase the problem: are your feelings separate from what you believe your feelings are? or are your feelings nothing more than what you believe them to be?
how genetic is intelligence? i could imagine that the environmental influence could exaggerate the apparent influence of genetics...
"whos got what it takes to party with nixon?"
unfortunately, i was well trained.
tell me your real name please.
why? because its unlike me. because, would you ever expect me to do it? no? me neither. and thats why i need to do it. i cant be myself. i cant be anybody. much better to be nobody than to be somebody.
and i would let you tell me what it is.
so i just got this great idea to get a rope, tie it to my radiator, and climb out my window down to the street. passing the idea by bryant chris and stefan only made matters worse, as they agreed it would be hilarious, offering up suggestions of a swat team costume, a burglar outfit, a giant sack with a money sign on it, and doing it when a huge crowd was outside the colonial. now i feel too dedicated to it to abandon it. crap!
why are humans so fucked up? what the hell is our problem?
why is it so easy for us humans to be awkward around someone we respect? the dumbest one is when people freak out around actors, in my opinion. actors are nothing more than people who pretend to be something they are not, professionally. see also: con-artists. see also: human beings. see also: me. why is it so hard to remember (and learn and understand) that we are all just human beings, none of us any more than a tiny bit different than any other one of us.
to seperate oneself from the collection of biases obtained in the developmental stage of growing up, i think, is one of the most important states an individual can attain.
that sounds sufficiently inconsistent (in style) to the above question, "why are humans so fucked up..."
i am in love with Emmy Noether.
may day, every day. my day, couldve had a heart attack. we all want something fair, my heart. out of town, out of sight, is my heart. queen of lies, today, my heart. one more on the phone, my heart. one more at the door of my heart. mean heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart, cold heart. --tourettes--
somehow im okay with double standards that place me below other people. why is that?
god does not understand entropy. honestly, i dont understand it that well either, its a somewhat elusive concept in many ways. but i definitely understand it better than god.
after the accident, her attitude changed, and she began to believe that life isnt fair. why is it that we always think life must be fair or not fair? it is not either. the concepts of fair and not fair only make sense relative to individuals, or groups of individuals. outside of that context, theres no such thing. the universe is indifferent to our existence. not against; not for.
i was sitting in a room in the math building, when a girl behind me started talking about some silly thing she did or wanted to do to a friend of hers. and she began laughing and it all sounded very stupid. and i began wondering, why is it that i dont hate people? i cannot figure it out. over and over and over again, i learn that i am not a member of this club. but still i default to including myself.
have i let down jade? have i gotten caught up in things too small? mike says im the type of person we (the professors) want in grad school, because i seem to find this stuff genuinely interesting, which is definitely true. i might also be the type of person we do not want in grad school, cause i dont tend to do any work unless it is absolutely necessary, or if i am interested in it. maybe grad school id get to focus more on things im interested in.
excessive compulsive.
if you think that you feel a certain way, is there any possible way that you could be lying? and by 'you' i mean 'me'. is there a way for me to lie to myself, yet be completely convinced what im saying is true? of course, this needs to be with regards to feelings specifically. for instance, i know that if i lie to myself about say... my weight, yes, we can use that as an example. im pretty skinny, so let us pretend i am anorexic, or have some similarly dangerous disorder. it seems reasonable to me that i could lie to myself about how skinny i am, and be totally convinced of that belief. but now feelings are different, since, what are your feelings besides your beliefs of your feelings? is it possible to 'feel' sick and be convinced that you do not 'feel' sick? wouldnt it be obvious to you that you were lying?
i suppose i have found another way to phrase the problem: are your feelings separate from what you believe your feelings are? or are your feelings nothing more than what you believe them to be?
how genetic is intelligence? i could imagine that the environmental influence could exaggerate the apparent influence of genetics...
"whos got what it takes to party with nixon?"
unfortunately, i was well trained.
tell me your real name please.
why? because its unlike me. because, would you ever expect me to do it? no? me neither. and thats why i need to do it. i cant be myself. i cant be anybody. much better to be nobody than to be somebody.
and i would let you tell me what it is.
so i just got this great idea to get a rope, tie it to my radiator, and climb out my window down to the street. passing the idea by bryant chris and stefan only made matters worse, as they agreed it would be hilarious, offering up suggestions of a swat team costume, a burglar outfit, a giant sack with a money sign on it, and doing it when a huge crowd was outside the colonial. now i feel too dedicated to it to abandon it. crap!
why are humans so fucked up? what the hell is our problem?
why is it so easy for us humans to be awkward around someone we respect? the dumbest one is when people freak out around actors, in my opinion. actors are nothing more than people who pretend to be something they are not, professionally. see also: con-artists. see also: human beings. see also: me. why is it so hard to remember (and learn and understand) that we are all just human beings, none of us any more than a tiny bit different than any other one of us.
to seperate oneself from the collection of biases obtained in the developmental stage of growing up, i think, is one of the most important states an individual can attain.
that sounds sufficiently inconsistent (in style) to the above question, "why are humans so fucked up..."
i am in love with Emmy Noether.
3/08/2007
extract abstraction
this is kind of neat, im not sure how much anyone realizes this, but all day long i write things down. anything from a word that i like two two words that sound nice to an idea or phrase or thought i want to record. then i come home and type them all into here. and then i delete the spaces between each item. and out falls new meanings! it is quite enjoyable. so in the following paragraph, 'pace changing' i thought sounded nice, and "hey, guess what youre an accessory to?" was a phrase i read somewhere. now they seem to say something completely different! brilliant.
abstraction extract.
i cut my hair as often as i take showers. i want to sleep as often as i eat, and i eat several times most days. "feign certainty for the sake of clarity." -stefan. when people ask me, "whats your major?" and i respond, "math-physics", i tend to get a, 'oh, thats boring' vibe from them. henceforth i will respond with, "math-physics, but only because i couldnt find any schools for armed robbery". hey, guess what youre an accessory to? pace changing. consistency preserved. here i am == i am ready.
i cant spell 'stupid dick face' without you. but thats just because i cant spell.
sounds like a plan. actually, thats just what people say. me in this case being people. i dont mean it. i figure out in first grade, on the playground: plans dont work. you can never guess how people will act. so fuck that. it might have taken me another twenty years, but i think my life has become pretty much independent of plans, and i like that very much.
man oh man, i need to slow down. pause a moment. i need to take baby steps again. left foot, right foot, i forgot how to ride a bike. my mouth outgrew my jaws' ability to chew. is there something wrong with never being certain of anything?
"The question is how to arrive at your opinions and not what your opinions are. The thing in which we believe is the supremacy of reason. If reason should lead you to orthodox conclusions, well and good; you are still a Rationalist. To my mind the essential thing is that one should base one's arguments upon the kind of grounds that are accepted in science, and one should not regard anything that one accepts as quite certain, but only as probable in a greater or a less degree. Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality." -Bertrand Russell
when i unravelled this, i could not handle it. even reading bertrand russell's solution to the exact same problem, i have not yet been able to deal with the problem, and of course while russell's having the very greatest abilities in dealing with matters of reason can explain his success and my failure, it would seem that with the aid of his conclusions i should be able to comprehend and solve my personal version of the problem as well. and yet i have not. perhaps it will just take time.
"i love his boyish charm, but i hate his childishness." ha hah ha. "there must be 50 ways to learn to hover".
it is funny how obviously our behavior is influenced by more instinctual aspects of evolution. jealously over sex, birthrights, fertility... these things caused much distress thousands of years ago, let alone today. i get this thought from the bible, which i am half-reading for history class. there are a lot of fucked up people in the bible, doing bat-shit insane things. its kind of interesting, but not really. not compared to now, and here. real life.
nibble.
an interesting question, in regards to motors, that i cannot yet answer, but maybe one of you can, is why can i spin a motor with say some sort of flywheel, so that it has a great deal of rotational inertia, and then turn the motor on, and still have it spin up in the opposite direction?
what time is it? ---now. which strain of christianity are you infected with? that stuff is viral. then time does not fly? infinite descent proof. youre not supposed to know my name.why has your face fallen?
its funny how the more complex a statement is the more specific it tends to be. as where the more ambiguous a statment is, the more interpretive, and therefore complex it becomes. this causes problems. intelligent, specific statments often go unnoticed, or even mocked, whereas stupid common statments are interpreted as good by a wider vartiety of meanings than orginally intended. case in point, the bible is easily one of the most ambiguous texts ever. to claim anything about it with certainty is very difficult, yet its somehow more influential than the average physics textbook, even though physics text books are FILLED with verifiably true statements, stated with the intention of minimizing ambiguity. although keep in mind, Karl Popper did say, "it is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood."
id really like to see a very good drawing of simese twins molesting one another.
is it possible to solve a problem without knowing what it is? are the concepts of 'right and wrong' and 'following rules' equivalent? are they similar? related? unrelated? i do not know. i need someone smarter than me to tell me these things. i get too caught up in the sheer size to make any progress.
"the shrewedest sexual violation. no, god isnt bothered by it."
someday i might be good with proofs:
remember what you know.
remember what you are looking for.
it is a balancing act.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU KNOW.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.
IT IS A BALANCING ACT.
abstraction extract.
i cut my hair as often as i take showers. i want to sleep as often as i eat, and i eat several times most days. "feign certainty for the sake of clarity." -stefan. when people ask me, "whats your major?" and i respond, "math-physics", i tend to get a, 'oh, thats boring' vibe from them. henceforth i will respond with, "math-physics, but only because i couldnt find any schools for armed robbery". hey, guess what youre an accessory to? pace changing. consistency preserved. here i am == i am ready.
i cant spell 'stupid dick face' without you. but thats just because i cant spell.
sounds like a plan. actually, thats just what people say. me in this case being people. i dont mean it. i figure out in first grade, on the playground: plans dont work. you can never guess how people will act. so fuck that. it might have taken me another twenty years, but i think my life has become pretty much independent of plans, and i like that very much.
man oh man, i need to slow down. pause a moment. i need to take baby steps again. left foot, right foot, i forgot how to ride a bike. my mouth outgrew my jaws' ability to chew. is there something wrong with never being certain of anything?
"The question is how to arrive at your opinions and not what your opinions are. The thing in which we believe is the supremacy of reason. If reason should lead you to orthodox conclusions, well and good; you are still a Rationalist. To my mind the essential thing is that one should base one's arguments upon the kind of grounds that are accepted in science, and one should not regard anything that one accepts as quite certain, but only as probable in a greater or a less degree. Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality." -Bertrand Russell
when i unravelled this, i could not handle it. even reading bertrand russell's solution to the exact same problem, i have not yet been able to deal with the problem, and of course while russell's having the very greatest abilities in dealing with matters of reason can explain his success and my failure, it would seem that with the aid of his conclusions i should be able to comprehend and solve my personal version of the problem as well. and yet i have not. perhaps it will just take time.
"i love his boyish charm, but i hate his childishness." ha hah ha. "there must be 50 ways to learn to hover".
it is funny how obviously our behavior is influenced by more instinctual aspects of evolution. jealously over sex, birthrights, fertility... these things caused much distress thousands of years ago, let alone today. i get this thought from the bible, which i am half-reading for history class. there are a lot of fucked up people in the bible, doing bat-shit insane things. its kind of interesting, but not really. not compared to now, and here. real life.
nibble.
an interesting question, in regards to motors, that i cannot yet answer, but maybe one of you can, is why can i spin a motor with say some sort of flywheel, so that it has a great deal of rotational inertia, and then turn the motor on, and still have it spin up in the opposite direction?
what time is it? ---now. which strain of christianity are you infected with? that stuff is viral. then time does not fly? infinite descent proof. youre not supposed to know my name.why has your face fallen?
its funny how the more complex a statement is the more specific it tends to be. as where the more ambiguous a statment is, the more interpretive, and therefore complex it becomes. this causes problems. intelligent, specific statments often go unnoticed, or even mocked, whereas stupid common statments are interpreted as good by a wider vartiety of meanings than orginally intended. case in point, the bible is easily one of the most ambiguous texts ever. to claim anything about it with certainty is very difficult, yet its somehow more influential than the average physics textbook, even though physics text books are FILLED with verifiably true statements, stated with the intention of minimizing ambiguity. although keep in mind, Karl Popper did say, "it is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood."
id really like to see a very good drawing of simese twins molesting one another.
is it possible to solve a problem without knowing what it is? are the concepts of 'right and wrong' and 'following rules' equivalent? are they similar? related? unrelated? i do not know. i need someone smarter than me to tell me these things. i get too caught up in the sheer size to make any progress.
"the shrewedest sexual violation. no, god isnt bothered by it."
someday i might be good with proofs:
remember what you know.
remember what you are looking for.
it is a balancing act.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU KNOW.
REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.
IT IS A BALANCING ACT.
3/05/2007
creation by way of accident
might as well take down a monster on my way out.
i am in a position of disgust.
i heard you looking.
spies all around.
never out of character.
its funny how lonely the world is, given how eager people generally are to love one another, physically, emotionally... however.
the only limiting factor in counterfeiting anything is the ability of the counterfeiter to see the differences of details.
i cant help it, it was a really good movie:
"you dont understand, i dont even know why."
"pleasantly surprised. youre not like the other murderers."
"do you want me around or not? do you even like me?"
..."if you felt it it would be easy, you would just, spread your arms as wide as they could go, and say 'this much penny' "
"you just said you love me, right?"
"come on, take me away now. take me away. what are you waiting for. i see you."
"the winner is the one that doesnt blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator."
stupid humans. with their emotion and their reason. neither of which work correctly.
more than i can chew?
at 830 tomorrow morning i will be interviewing for an intern position at smiths medical that will last one week and take place in connecticut. that would be interesting. anyone wanna go hang out with me in connecticut for a few days in a hotel room im not paying for? sounds like ill also be doing graphics for Collin, which will be neat, since i would normally do that stuff for free, but theyll pay me handsomely, which will defintely motivate me to get it done.
if i decided to be reckless, is it still reckless?
i think way too much to be legitimately reckless.
but i think ill change that some. i believe myself to be too methodical. too calculated. too exact. humans break things. i need to break something. i need something to break.
i really love this song. and i also forgot how easy it is to speed excessively with loud angry music.
i am in a position of disgust.
i heard you looking.
spies all around.
never out of character.
its funny how lonely the world is, given how eager people generally are to love one another, physically, emotionally... however.
the only limiting factor in counterfeiting anything is the ability of the counterfeiter to see the differences of details.
i cant help it, it was a really good movie:
"you dont understand, i dont even know why."
"pleasantly surprised. youre not like the other murderers."
"do you want me around or not? do you even like me?"
..."if you felt it it would be easy, you would just, spread your arms as wide as they could go, and say 'this much penny' "
"you just said you love me, right?"
"come on, take me away now. take me away. what are you waiting for. i see you."
"the winner is the one that doesnt blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator."
stupid humans. with their emotion and their reason. neither of which work correctly.
more than i can chew?
at 830 tomorrow morning i will be interviewing for an intern position at smiths medical that will last one week and take place in connecticut. that would be interesting. anyone wanna go hang out with me in connecticut for a few days in a hotel room im not paying for? sounds like ill also be doing graphics for Collin, which will be neat, since i would normally do that stuff for free, but theyll pay me handsomely, which will defintely motivate me to get it done.
if i decided to be reckless, is it still reckless?
i think way too much to be legitimately reckless.
but i think ill change that some. i believe myself to be too methodical. too calculated. too exact. humans break things. i need to break something. i need something to break.
i really love this song. and i also forgot how easy it is to speed excessively with loud angry music.
3/02/2007
i want to de-emphasize existence.
all of the sudden i wish it were pouring rain outside.
i thought about it. why? because i think about everything. its a bad habit. a vice even maybe perhaps.
i really like the (common) phrase, "made me laugh". i dont normally think of laughter as something that is completely out of my control, but it is! isnt that fun!?
this isnt what i wanted. itll have to improve.
in short, it stood an object of terror and delight. giving an inch, taking a mile, our perspectives are greatly different.
walmart sells on thrift. people need to realize there are more important things than money.
"why should i be made to feel i have to apologize for my existence?" self-referential satire.
its like a bad dream, where you cant get to where you are going.
wait a second, i worried a lot last night, about how i wasnt studying for number theory, doing e and m, and reading for history. but today, those things pretty much all worked out fine. so if i had spent time doing all that yesterday, in some sense it would have been a waste! not only do i not continue to learn my lesson, i actually learn the opposite!!!
knock yourself out. i mean, up.
i think ive grown discontent with movies and music, in general. at first i thought maybe it was only the music and movies ive got, but then i realized, i dont want to hear any new music either. and i have a lot of movies and shows and things people have given to me, that i also dont want to watch. this is reinforcing my idea that i need a girlfriend. or maybe i should get a job.
you? youre pretty all over.
i love broken english:
"Oh yes, and the onions… I like them very much, I add them to much of what I eat and accordingly if I’m going to buy myself some onions I don’t buy 3 onions but 5kg so that I have a supply for two months. I put them in refrigerator and it never happens that these onions rot or anything like that.
And yesterday, after I opened my refrigerator for the first time in about 4 weeks (I was back in Szczecin for this long) I discovered that 3 of my precious onions produced green shoots! In refrigerator. For 1.5 month. I was stunned! Almost touched! I just can’t eat them now - this great force of life makes me shed a tear. I moved them out of refrigerator onto windowsill and on monday I’ll buy them some soil and a flowerpot."
sometimes truth finds reason.
its hard to be sure, but im fairly certain that i dont see any difference between love and lust. what difference do you see? you tend to have insight into these questions that i dont, so i figure its a good idea to ask. its hard to be sure its hard to be sure.
al gore points out the tobacco industry leaked memo said, "doubt is our product. since it is the best means of creating controversy in the public's mind." they realized creating controversy was the way to go. same with the fucking creationists. we need to fight back. fight back with their criminal means. "reposition global warming as theory rather than fact". we need to use this against religion. doubt is our product. doubt is our product. fight back with their criminal means.
no wonder. people are confused.
no wonder, people are confused.
no wonder people are confused.
aw crap, you got blood on my knife!
...well, you got knife in my blood.
rarity breeds value. or maybe more so appreciation.
"The phrase exponential growth is often used in nontechnical contexts to mean merely surprisingly fast growth."
surprisingly fast. i like that phrase.
touch is having or getting zero distance. zero distance sounds so nice.
the greatest motivator always, i think, is extreme interest. boy did i luck out, eh?
obligatory rant.
when people get angry about things, they usually run against them. and lately ive been angry about "doing something with my life" and angry about 'meaning' in things. ive never been ambitious (at least not for the sake of anything other than my own personal enjoyment of completing whatever thing someone else has deemed ambitious), but lately ive been anti-ambitious. i hear people tell me they dont know what they want to do with themselves. they dont know where they want to go. fuck that. i dont want to go somewhere specifically. i dont want to accomplish anything specific. ill go anywhere, do anything, if i enjoy it. and if half way through i dont enjoy it, then im not gonna keep doing it. necessities i suppose ill continue (start?) to do, out of survival. but we live in such a prosperous society, why the fuck are any of us stuck doing anything we dont want? dont we realize that we are the ones who make these decisions? we are the ones that control this place? when i do do things, i dont want them to have meaning. i want to move enormous stones, out of pure desire.
people ask why did the ancients do [blank]? well, maybe they were just fucking bored! we get bored even with hundreds of movies, thousands of songs, internet, books, television, radio, theater, concerts, art exhibits, festivals of all sorts. people have ten million times as many options for ways to fill their free time now, and theyre still fucking bored. somehow people cant accept the idea of creation for the sake of creation. i want to fucking quit this society.
thursday i went to masiello employment services, so that i could get hired at smiths as an intern for a couple of weeks, and it was the most unpleasant, annoying experience ive had this year. and without reason! i need to get some boots or something so i can take walks in the snow.
understand this: i am not anti technology, but i do think that the conventional wisdom applied to modern life is failing miserably. i also think the correction is to abandon all conventional wisdom, and do as you fucking please.
i want to de-emphasize meaning.
i want to de-emphasize existence.
i guess im growing discontent with society in general.
its a beautiful night; the city is foggy.
i thought about it. why? because i think about everything. its a bad habit. a vice even maybe perhaps.
i really like the (common) phrase, "made me laugh". i dont normally think of laughter as something that is completely out of my control, but it is! isnt that fun!?
this isnt what i wanted. itll have to improve.
in short, it stood an object of terror and delight. giving an inch, taking a mile, our perspectives are greatly different.
walmart sells on thrift. people need to realize there are more important things than money.
"why should i be made to feel i have to apologize for my existence?" self-referential satire.
its like a bad dream, where you cant get to where you are going.
wait a second, i worried a lot last night, about how i wasnt studying for number theory, doing e and m, and reading for history. but today, those things pretty much all worked out fine. so if i had spent time doing all that yesterday, in some sense it would have been a waste! not only do i not continue to learn my lesson, i actually learn the opposite!!!
knock yourself out. i mean, up.
i think ive grown discontent with movies and music, in general. at first i thought maybe it was only the music and movies ive got, but then i realized, i dont want to hear any new music either. and i have a lot of movies and shows and things people have given to me, that i also dont want to watch. this is reinforcing my idea that i need a girlfriend. or maybe i should get a job.
you? youre pretty all over.
i love broken english:
"Oh yes, and the onions… I like them very much, I add them to much of what I eat and accordingly if I’m going to buy myself some onions I don’t buy 3 onions but 5kg so that I have a supply for two months. I put them in refrigerator and it never happens that these onions rot or anything like that.
And yesterday, after I opened my refrigerator for the first time in about 4 weeks (I was back in Szczecin for this long) I discovered that 3 of my precious onions produced green shoots! In refrigerator. For 1.5 month. I was stunned! Almost touched! I just can’t eat them now - this great force of life makes me shed a tear. I moved them out of refrigerator onto windowsill and on monday I’ll buy them some soil and a flowerpot."
sometimes truth finds reason.
its hard to be sure, but im fairly certain that i dont see any difference between love and lust. what difference do you see? you tend to have insight into these questions that i dont, so i figure its a good idea to ask. its hard to be sure its hard to be sure.
al gore points out the tobacco industry leaked memo said, "doubt is our product. since it is the best means of creating controversy in the public's mind." they realized creating controversy was the way to go. same with the fucking creationists. we need to fight back. fight back with their criminal means. "reposition global warming as theory rather than fact". we need to use this against religion. doubt is our product. doubt is our product. fight back with their criminal means.
no wonder. people are confused.
no wonder, people are confused.
no wonder people are confused.
aw crap, you got blood on my knife!
...well, you got knife in my blood.
rarity breeds value. or maybe more so appreciation.
"The phrase exponential growth is often used in nontechnical contexts to mean merely surprisingly fast growth."
surprisingly fast. i like that phrase.
touch is having or getting zero distance. zero distance sounds so nice.
the greatest motivator always, i think, is extreme interest. boy did i luck out, eh?
obligatory rant.
when people get angry about things, they usually run against them. and lately ive been angry about "doing something with my life" and angry about 'meaning' in things. ive never been ambitious (at least not for the sake of anything other than my own personal enjoyment of completing whatever thing someone else has deemed ambitious), but lately ive been anti-ambitious. i hear people tell me they dont know what they want to do with themselves. they dont know where they want to go. fuck that. i dont want to go somewhere specifically. i dont want to accomplish anything specific. ill go anywhere, do anything, if i enjoy it. and if half way through i dont enjoy it, then im not gonna keep doing it. necessities i suppose ill continue (start?) to do, out of survival. but we live in such a prosperous society, why the fuck are any of us stuck doing anything we dont want? dont we realize that we are the ones who make these decisions? we are the ones that control this place? when i do do things, i dont want them to have meaning. i want to move enormous stones, out of pure desire.
people ask why did the ancients do [blank]? well, maybe they were just fucking bored! we get bored even with hundreds of movies, thousands of songs, internet, books, television, radio, theater, concerts, art exhibits, festivals of all sorts. people have ten million times as many options for ways to fill their free time now, and theyre still fucking bored. somehow people cant accept the idea of creation for the sake of creation. i want to fucking quit this society.
thursday i went to masiello employment services, so that i could get hired at smiths as an intern for a couple of weeks, and it was the most unpleasant, annoying experience ive had this year. and without reason! i need to get some boots or something so i can take walks in the snow.
understand this: i am not anti technology, but i do think that the conventional wisdom applied to modern life is failing miserably. i also think the correction is to abandon all conventional wisdom, and do as you fucking please.
i want to de-emphasize meaning.
i want to de-emphasize existence.
i guess im growing discontent with society in general.
its a beautiful night; the city is foggy.
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