5/01/2007

brain storm.

today i wrote a poem:

criminals we make.
our glaring contradictions.
dazzle me, dazzle you.
the shadows of clouds roll over my hills, roll over your positional probability distribution, roll through my head; storm through my head.
ive been recording the monumental bridges in every melody, hoarding supplies for a rainy day.
im looking out im looking up im looking over; im over looking.
do you see that your questions make just as much sense when i ask them?

this is definitive proof that i am not a poet.
although, was it Feynman who said, "for the poets do not write to be understood"? either way, someone understands me probably, and so i fail both in beauty and in obscurity. i also clearly dont have any concept of breaks or timing or meaning or whatever else it is that poets know about.

your heart, is not able.

elmer's glue builds character.

the war here, in america, is really about holding traditions sacred, or abandoning them. religion versus science, originalism versus reinterpretation of law, the war on drugs, all of these things are extensions of the idea that the old is important versus the old is not important.

glaring contradictions.

everyone always wants to go home... i dont really relate to that feeling. some people tell me they have no home, that the feel no place is home. i call my parents house home, but i dont think it makes a difference. if my parents ceased to exist, i would simply start calling my apartment home. i think the concept of 'home' eludes me. i guess it might seem that if you were to place me someplace ive never been, say, anchorage alaska, or los alamos new mexico, or oklahoma city oklahoma, that i wouldnt know anyone, and might feel out of place, but i doubt it. i dont know many people here. i dont go out or do much here. if i were suddenly there, i would still communicate with friends over the internet about the same amount, which means things wouldnt be that different. id still spend most of my time reading about math and science topics, philosophizing about life, being entertained by the world around me. the geography itself might become entertaining, seeing as how ive lived my whole life in this forest called new hampshire; other geography would be interesting to see. id probably spend the same amount of time and energy complaining about the weather, and other mundane things, even though such things would most likely occur in different quantities, itd still be easy to complain. its easy to be dissatisfied. im not all that dissatisfied, but when i want to be, its not hard.

if everyone in the whole world constituted a single brain, you and i, we would be the epileptic neurons. religious zealots would be cancer (it is after all). who would be the parts the beat the heart? who would be the pieces that keep us on our balance? who would be the fight or flight deciders? and who would ensure that we ate and drank what we needed? clearly, nobody is yet the concious part of a brain. it is my optimistic belief that someday, we will have such a part.

the computer's oblique strategy to my dilemma was, "what mistakes did you make last time?"
this advice is laughable: ive learned this many times, and continue to make the same mistakes.

clean up, dress up, and inquire about part time job at print shop.
call allison again: -ah ha, i did have another question! very rapidly: half full or half empty? urgently.

-Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it?
-He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be Merkw├╝rdigliebe.
-Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh?

---we must not have a mine shaft gap!
---mein furher! i can walk!
fluoridation jokes.


i want you to know that you dont gotta stay. if we're not gonna make it, its gotta be you that gets out. cause im not capable... ill deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.

how do wormholes not cause theoretical problems with respect to potential energy?

everyone knows im a really nice person; i tend to meet people and assume they are wonderful, and it takes a lot of work for me to really not think much of them. i must admit, i have a biased towards people i find attractive. this applies both to girls, whom i am very often attracted to quite strongly (initially physically), as well as boys who i guess are just cool. ive never been attracted to any boys the way i am girls, but there are boys who i think are 'cooler' than others. i think most of this relates to people who think too. that ive met girls who i might find initially very physically attractive, but very quickly become not attracted to because of their inability to think, whereas ive also met girls whom i am not initially attracted to, but find to be very attractive as their intellect reveals itself.

why is it---how is it, that i have become so unconcerned with the world? im not worried about finals, im not concerned about getting accepted to grad school. im suddenly even thinking that a reasonably boring part time job will more than meet my financial needs. why is it that i am so confident that i am an intelligent mathematician? or an intelligent physicst? where does this confidence come from? is it deserved? is it adaquate? why do i seem to have more influence over people than i have ever sought? why dont i start abusing it already?

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