defect from society. happy you near. laughter is simply sharp repeated breathes. touch is having or getting zero distance. angels there attend. dont mistake kindness for weakness. i concern myself with all the wrong things. all the wrong order. i am working hard to get the background color right, when i havent even started researching for the presentation. story of my life.
i recently stumbled across notes i wrote while trying to figure out how to solve a rubik's cube for the first time: "rubik's cubes are like girls, its possible i will never figure either one out." well, i figured out the cube long before the girl. "solving a rubik's cube should be a matter of messing it up in reverse." clearly i didnt understand entropy yet. "in order to solve a cube, i must think like a cube!" i really want to remember to say this next time someone asks me about it. this is also written on the sheets: "pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiency. (hey ugly)"
holy shit, currently, china is planning to build a large coal fired power plant, every week, for the next seven years. my take on global warming can be summed up with the age old adage, "better safe than sorry". and as an extremely prosperous society, it just seems like the answer should be, why not make an effort to correct it? strange how people can be so engulfed by products of the scientific community, yet so skeptical of scientific opinion. so while lasers play your music and movies, and satellites give you days advance in weather warnings for snowstorms and hurricanes, people still doubt evolution and global warming. to be fair, its easier to doubt these things since all scientific matters are filtered through politics and media before being received by the general public, and so they can doubt the information based on those things. but stop it. just stop. please. stop it. now. so i want my next car to be a flexible fuel car.
a motivating factor for me to keep my room clean: have chuck and stacy over. have drinks, play games, hang out. stacy doesnt like sci-fi. chuck plays guitar.
decimate is a neat word. behavior modification. when something goes wrong. its easy to impress when nothing is expected. vanishing. the monsters behind the door. decorate decorate! kill pain. induce joy. like an opiate for your heart. better to endure pain than to become bound to the drug. ha, in school they never tell you that columbus was sent to find india to retrieve opium as well as other things. humans are great. morphine was invented to cure alcohol. heroin was invented to cure morphine. death was invented to cure heroin (?). an illness was either amputated, or medicated. a good doctor was a fast doctor. fear overcomes tolerance. lets enjoy.
its not easy to squeeze a trigger when you are wearing mittens. fearsome though we are. my only marketable skill is to occupy space. its a light your after cause light moves faster.
a lot of people say im smart, and i know why. its because i know a little bit about a lot of things that not many people know about. but ive never liked being called smart, so ive reached the conclusion that 'smart' should really mean, 'one who learns from their mistakes'. in which case, there is no indication that i am any smarter than anyone else. which is perfectly fine. we are all good at some things and terrible at others. its lucky when you really enjoy what you are good at for a long time, but if you dont, choose what you enjoy over what you are good at. its better to be happy than productive. the world is productive enough to let us be unconcerned with productivity, though few people see this.
yeah, it might be nice to have a consistently poor memory. but you live your life with what you have, and i happen to have a memory that works great at some times, and terribly at others, independent of my personal desires.
Louis C.K. talks about the phrase "suck a bag a dicks", and it is great. i find it entertaining.
ive noticed the conflict between the rational mind and the emotional mind is more prevalent when you think with one of them too consistently. on occasion, i experience a mental overdose.
i like new things. people usually think i am thinking. they ask me all the time, "what are you thinking about?" and i say, nothing. so they ask again, because they dont believe me. when i walk, i never look more than a few feet in front of me. people tend to assume that means i am either depressed, or consumed in thought, which on occasion might be true. but i think im just usually watching where i am going, carefully choosing where i plant each step. although this is all true and accurate, it also makes a great metaphor for my life. too meticulous. too premeditated. and possibly too unconcerned with even my short term future. but whatever, fuck that. there is no such thing as right and wrong, you live your life in a way you enjoy, and there wont be anything more to demand.
i could not decide what to title this. i really love the phrases: "angels there attend", "fearsome though we are" and "lets enjoy".
let us compete for criminal boldness.
2/13/2007
i need a flame for my fuel.
lojack the baby.
the height of irresponsibility.
today is an exception.
hes just dead upset.
whats your drug of choice?
not mad enough to be committed, not sane enough to be normal.
i have messages from deep space.
demand my entertainment, please.
if i said you were beautiful, would you take off your clothes and dance around a bit?
the cutting edge. why? because the non-cutting edge is not so useful.
your guts are like mine.
it just goes to show you that your mind is your own monster.
this originates from the heart!
re-minds you of them. him of her. he of she.
i fear that i may be way too rational to really experience romantic love.
could you just give a twirl, as they say.
sleep only when tired.
at this point, my problem is at least inclusive with not knowing what my problem is.
physics is all about problem solving. complexity theory is all about analyzing problems, determining the resources and number of steps a problem takes to be solved, the scalability of the problem, and so on. it seems like the two studies go hand in hand.
its funny, a number of times throughout my life, an attractive girl has told me, "damn, you clean up nice!". what they have all failed to realize is, generally, i dont clean up! im a dirty person, i dont give a shit!
have i posted this before? how cold would you have to make a single ice cube to freeze an entire glass of water when placed in it. assume the ice cube is 3*3*4 cm, and the water is at 20°C initially, and its... i dont know, one pint, which is apparently just over 550 mL, so lets go with 550 mL. is it even possible? i dont feel like doing it. if it is possible, we ought to do it, cause thatd be fun.
what kind of result would you get, if you took multiple source images, say, many videos of the same scene, but with different angles for polarizing filters, and you had the computer pick the pixels that were darkest and combine them together?
i need to learn how to listen and provoke responses more often.
tom: you told the authorities, "dont let me out, i cant cope with the outside world." Do you have a recollection of that? and do you...
charles: youre making a desperate plea out of something, man. theres no desperate plea out of it. i said i cant handle the maniacs outside, let me back in.
tom: i didnt use the word desperate, thats your word charles.
charles: yeah, well, your inflection and your voice tones were, uh, implications there.
tom: well, uh, you use the word maniacs on the outside. how are you different from the maniacs on the outside, and why do you call them maniacs? because you know something? they think youre one.
charles: yeah, it would reflect. if you hold a negative up to the light, you dont see the light you just see the negative. so im a reflection of your negative, theres no doubt about that and i can handle that also, i been handling it aint i?
sometimes someone might say, "well, thats not healthy behavior". yeah? well what is healthy behavior? the common sense definition defined by the same people who think TV and a 60 hour a week job you hate are healthy? the people who think that pop culture is acceptable? NOTHING is healthy behavior, so fuck that line of reasoning.
what is all this? what sort of problems have we created? weve mucked it up good. this idea of control and responsibility, development, right and wrong... these are all very complex issues.
we get stressed about the dumbest things. its very unnatural. get stressed if you see a lion or bear that could attack you. get stressed if you havent eaten in a few days and you arent sure when or how your next meal will come about. get stressed when someone you care about is in one of these situations again.
if we are going to apply the theories of computability, computational complexity, or mathematics in general, to solve human problems, we need to first determine, what are the most severe problems in the world? and so i am taking a poll: what do you (the reader) believe are the most important problems facing humankind?
i just realized, i hate the idea of being called special, in the sense that parents say their babies are special. im okay with someone saying, i am special, with respect to them. that they enjoy me. i believe we need to express ourselves in more relative terms, rather than absolute terms. people tend to say things like, this is the best thing ever, or that sort of thing. instead, say, this is really cool. i like it a lot.
i slow down, and slow down, and slow down, and it gets to the point when im just not moving at all... and it can be a bit embarrassing. ...and im just stuck there, not moving. i resent it deeply. i think, my life, needs to change. dramatically.
it is such a challenge, to try to impart knowledge on children in a way in which they will be able to take care of themselves., but not in any way which leads to biases that hurt others. how is it that we can be sure the knowledge we are trying to pass on is not biased? how does one know that they have biases? i suppose i could ask. so, to everyone, if i appear to have biases, please inform me. i might be aware of some, maybe not, im not sure.
i am perverted. hopefully. being normal, fuck that. no one even knows what normal is. so fuck anyone who claims to. i want to experience addiction. full fledged, physical addiction, does anyone have any advice? i want to feel the cold sweat shaking withdrawls of... anything.
i just wrote ethanold by accident. and it makes me think of a persons name... im not sure why. the secret service asked me to close my window.
i believe you, whatever you say, because i trust you. but dont lead me astray, dont let me believe something is true just because you think id want it to be true.
something seems missing.
history repeats itself. even in paradise.
the height of irresponsibility.
today is an exception.
hes just dead upset.
whats your drug of choice?
not mad enough to be committed, not sane enough to be normal.
i have messages from deep space.
demand my entertainment, please.
if i said you were beautiful, would you take off your clothes and dance around a bit?
the cutting edge. why? because the non-cutting edge is not so useful.
your guts are like mine.
it just goes to show you that your mind is your own monster.
this originates from the heart!
re-minds you of them. him of her. he of she.
i fear that i may be way too rational to really experience romantic love.
could you just give a twirl, as they say.
sleep only when tired.
at this point, my problem is at least inclusive with not knowing what my problem is.
physics is all about problem solving. complexity theory is all about analyzing problems, determining the resources and number of steps a problem takes to be solved, the scalability of the problem, and so on. it seems like the two studies go hand in hand.
its funny, a number of times throughout my life, an attractive girl has told me, "damn, you clean up nice!". what they have all failed to realize is, generally, i dont clean up! im a dirty person, i dont give a shit!
have i posted this before? how cold would you have to make a single ice cube to freeze an entire glass of water when placed in it. assume the ice cube is 3*3*4 cm, and the water is at 20°C initially, and its... i dont know, one pint, which is apparently just over 550 mL, so lets go with 550 mL. is it even possible? i dont feel like doing it. if it is possible, we ought to do it, cause thatd be fun.
what kind of result would you get, if you took multiple source images, say, many videos of the same scene, but with different angles for polarizing filters, and you had the computer pick the pixels that were darkest and combine them together?
i need to learn how to listen and provoke responses more often.
tom: you told the authorities, "dont let me out, i cant cope with the outside world." Do you have a recollection of that? and do you...
charles: youre making a desperate plea out of something, man. theres no desperate plea out of it. i said i cant handle the maniacs outside, let me back in.
tom: i didnt use the word desperate, thats your word charles.
charles: yeah, well, your inflection and your voice tones were, uh, implications there.
tom: well, uh, you use the word maniacs on the outside. how are you different from the maniacs on the outside, and why do you call them maniacs? because you know something? they think youre one.
charles: yeah, it would reflect. if you hold a negative up to the light, you dont see the light you just see the negative. so im a reflection of your negative, theres no doubt about that and i can handle that also, i been handling it aint i?
sometimes someone might say, "well, thats not healthy behavior". yeah? well what is healthy behavior? the common sense definition defined by the same people who think TV and a 60 hour a week job you hate are healthy? the people who think that pop culture is acceptable? NOTHING is healthy behavior, so fuck that line of reasoning.
what is all this? what sort of problems have we created? weve mucked it up good. this idea of control and responsibility, development, right and wrong... these are all very complex issues.
we get stressed about the dumbest things. its very unnatural. get stressed if you see a lion or bear that could attack you. get stressed if you havent eaten in a few days and you arent sure when or how your next meal will come about. get stressed when someone you care about is in one of these situations again.
if we are going to apply the theories of computability, computational complexity, or mathematics in general, to solve human problems, we need to first determine, what are the most severe problems in the world? and so i am taking a poll: what do you (the reader) believe are the most important problems facing humankind?
i just realized, i hate the idea of being called special, in the sense that parents say their babies are special. im okay with someone saying, i am special, with respect to them. that they enjoy me. i believe we need to express ourselves in more relative terms, rather than absolute terms. people tend to say things like, this is the best thing ever, or that sort of thing. instead, say, this is really cool. i like it a lot.
i slow down, and slow down, and slow down, and it gets to the point when im just not moving at all... and it can be a bit embarrassing. ...and im just stuck there, not moving. i resent it deeply. i think, my life, needs to change. dramatically.
it is such a challenge, to try to impart knowledge on children in a way in which they will be able to take care of themselves., but not in any way which leads to biases that hurt others. how is it that we can be sure the knowledge we are trying to pass on is not biased? how does one know that they have biases? i suppose i could ask. so, to everyone, if i appear to have biases, please inform me. i might be aware of some, maybe not, im not sure.
i am perverted. hopefully. being normal, fuck that. no one even knows what normal is. so fuck anyone who claims to. i want to experience addiction. full fledged, physical addiction, does anyone have any advice? i want to feel the cold sweat shaking withdrawls of... anything.
i just wrote ethanold by accident. and it makes me think of a persons name... im not sure why. the secret service asked me to close my window.
i believe you, whatever you say, because i trust you. but dont lead me astray, dont let me believe something is true just because you think id want it to be true.
something seems missing.
history repeats itself. even in paradise.
2/08/2007
it is that sort of supreme beauty that makes you feel special just for witnessing it.
dont listen to your common sense.
about P vs NP, Aaronson says, "We have a pretty sophisticated idea of why we have no idea". Chazelle says, "To say that we're nowhere near resolving P vs NP is a safe prophecy," and "The truth is, no one has a clue". ha ha ha, about NP-complete problems, "Always basking in the spotlight, they are famously difficult, impossibly hard to satisfy, and—if their resilience is any guide—quite pleased with the attention." -Bernard Chazelle. -ive been hearing (reading) this a lot lately, and it interests me. because it is such an important question, and so famous, and so widely talked about, so widely studied, if no one has a clue, it makes it an attractive problem. any amount of creativity seems an advantage in such a situation, i feel at least mildly creative, so i feel at least mildly motivated.
probabilistically checkable proofs? zero-knowledge proofs? automated theorem checking? how about theorem finding? do we know if P vs NP is an NP problem? so if no one has a clue how to go about proving P vs NP why is that? what is proving something? its just taking one thing you know and transforming it into another thing you know. or taking one thing you know and transforming it into something you know isnt something else. could genetic algorithms make any progress? could they perhaps be used to discover new techniques to be used in proofs? that sounds like quite a challenge to be honest, but i know little about these things.
i love these terms Nicholas Gurewitch uses: 'perfectly strange' and 'score another point for whimsy'
the only real problems are things we call problems. the signifier is not the signified.
oh shit thats terrible: "im putting the 'sensual' back in 'nonconsensual' ". "spontaneous camping".
"we'll never make it out of here alive." they didnt figure that out a long time ago? i think i knew that by age eleven. its actually a coherent definition for 'life'. nothing living here (this place called reality) can leave alive; it just isnt allowed.
crime is not breaking the law but getting caught. ha, even in high level math my intuition is misleading. if my intuition isnt right in complicated math, or physics, and it certainly isnt right with people, then what good is it? sneaky trick from math department: "it has to do with a crazy function" -dr Wolf. and holy crap he wasnt kidding! the Dirac delta function, very peculiar, i must learn more.
etablish your status. mental coup d'éta.
we take our pillow fighting seriously. defecting from the human species. crime organized. once upon a time, we had secrets. censored - seems the best parts always missing. "used to always _______". she walked so fast, and then I heard the siren, the deafening howl that told us that the end of the world was due in a few hours. we all stopped.
i want to write incomplete sentences. or should that read: i want to write incomplete. but no one ever writes sentences with ends but no beginnings, its always beginnings with no ends. maybe its harder to do the opposite. or maybe its easier to cut yourself off. its easier to start a thought and not finish it. its easier to speak an idea and trail off. want to write incomplete sentences. to write incomplete sentences. write incomplete sentences. incomplete sentences. "hey, sentence fragment is a sentence fragment!"
dont listen to your common sense.
"Thus certain bombs were designed to destroy an entire large city even if dropped five to ten kilometers from its centre." what drugs were we doing? LEADERS OF THE MOST ADVANCED NATIONS ON EARTH OKAYED THESE THINGS. WERE THEY FUCKING INSANE? 4.5 billion years of being programmed to fight for our survival, and now we dont have to. after a few hundred years of rapid technological development, and societal changes, we no longer have to (practically). isnt anyone considering these things? they seem vastly important, influential to our personal lives. we have all these personal conflicts and mental problems, and no one knows why. maybe its something simple, something stupid. maybe we ought to be breaking things. maybe we ought to destroy something.
i like these things. i ought to work more on them more often.
i am beginning to obsess over P vs NP. i think about it as i fall asleep. im not intelligent, merely knowledgeable. it concerns me because its further from physics than i have strayed in a long time. i think im still more interested in quantum computing, but i dont know, computing in general is becoming a very interesting subject, undoubtedly something i would need a good grasp of if researching quantum computing specifically, but dammit im rambling. ill figure it out, no worries.
watching the world rotate.
my mom asked if i believed in love, and i changed the subject. its not that i dont believe in love, i just dont believe in it the way she means. do i believe that animals evolved in such a way that intelligence eventually became a more valuable trait then physical adaptation? yes. its the difference between a machine physically built to complete a given task, and a computer programmed to complete a task. the latter can be adapted to do other things. do i think that the necessity of 'programming' these more intelligent creatures necessitated increased time and concern for them? yes. children need a lot of guidance and parenting (programming) to know how to eat, behave, cooperate, build, survive. do i believe that this increased importance of training their young leads to an importance on the parents ability to stay together, and care for their young? yes. it seems clear that society is integral to human survival. do i think that all of these evolutionary consequences could be grouped together and called love? pretty much. i know that that kills the idea. girls dont want you to ask if you can kiss them, they want to be kissed. but thats not love, thats romance. thats knowing what to do and doing it. its being natural, and if theres one thing i dont 'feel', its natural. by the way, i use the word 'believe' in the sense that these events, such as evolution and the causes and effects involved in these events, they seem reasonable to me. i accept them as plausible.
so what do i think about love? i think that people can care for each other, and enjoy one anothers company, mentally or physically, (or maybe some other way i havent thought about?), and i think thats all that matters. and if you want i will call that love. i dont think anything else is needed for these concepts.
the reason my mom asked was because i told her i was a strict physicalist, and that i believe all the mental is merely an illusion resulting from the physical reality underneath it. but i dont mean to imply by 'illusion' that mental reality isnt 'real'. im here, i dont want to die. im having fun, mostly. i enjoy life, regardless of what i believe (read: find plausible) the underlying causes of my consciousness (for that matter, my existence) are. whether you are a physicalist, a dualist or a spiritualist, the results are the same: we are alive, we are in these bodies for a relatively brief period of time, there is nothing we can do to change those facts; we ought to try to enjoy it.
i should start including disclaimers on everything i write. ill need to consult my council first...
about P vs NP, Aaronson says, "We have a pretty sophisticated idea of why we have no idea". Chazelle says, "To say that we're nowhere near resolving P vs NP is a safe prophecy," and "The truth is, no one has a clue". ha ha ha, about NP-complete problems, "Always basking in the spotlight, they are famously difficult, impossibly hard to satisfy, and—if their resilience is any guide—quite pleased with the attention." -Bernard Chazelle. -ive been hearing (reading) this a lot lately, and it interests me. because it is such an important question, and so famous, and so widely talked about, so widely studied, if no one has a clue, it makes it an attractive problem. any amount of creativity seems an advantage in such a situation, i feel at least mildly creative, so i feel at least mildly motivated.
probabilistically checkable proofs? zero-knowledge proofs? automated theorem checking? how about theorem finding? do we know if P vs NP is an NP problem? so if no one has a clue how to go about proving P vs NP why is that? what is proving something? its just taking one thing you know and transforming it into another thing you know. or taking one thing you know and transforming it into something you know isnt something else. could genetic algorithms make any progress? could they perhaps be used to discover new techniques to be used in proofs? that sounds like quite a challenge to be honest, but i know little about these things.
i love these terms Nicholas Gurewitch uses: 'perfectly strange' and 'score another point for whimsy'
the only real problems are things we call problems. the signifier is not the signified.
oh shit thats terrible: "im putting the 'sensual' back in 'nonconsensual' ". "spontaneous camping".
"we'll never make it out of here alive." they didnt figure that out a long time ago? i think i knew that by age eleven. its actually a coherent definition for 'life'. nothing living here (this place called reality) can leave alive; it just isnt allowed.
crime is not breaking the law but getting caught. ha, even in high level math my intuition is misleading. if my intuition isnt right in complicated math, or physics, and it certainly isnt right with people, then what good is it? sneaky trick from math department: "it has to do with a crazy function" -dr Wolf. and holy crap he wasnt kidding! the Dirac delta function, very peculiar, i must learn more.
etablish your status. mental coup d'éta.
we take our pillow fighting seriously. defecting from the human species. crime organized. once upon a time, we had secrets. censored - seems the best parts always missing. "used to always _______". she walked so fast, and then I heard the siren, the deafening howl that told us that the end of the world was due in a few hours. we all stopped.
i want to write incomplete sentences. or should that read: i want to write incomplete. but no one ever writes sentences with ends but no beginnings, its always beginnings with no ends. maybe its harder to do the opposite. or maybe its easier to cut yourself off. its easier to start a thought and not finish it. its easier to speak an idea and trail off. want to write incomplete sentences. to write incomplete sentences. write incomplete sentences. incomplete sentences. "hey, sentence fragment is a sentence fragment!"
dont listen to your common sense.
"Thus certain bombs were designed to destroy an entire large city even if dropped five to ten kilometers from its centre." what drugs were we doing? LEADERS OF THE MOST ADVANCED NATIONS ON EARTH OKAYED THESE THINGS. WERE THEY FUCKING INSANE? 4.5 billion years of being programmed to fight for our survival, and now we dont have to. after a few hundred years of rapid technological development, and societal changes, we no longer have to (practically). isnt anyone considering these things? they seem vastly important, influential to our personal lives. we have all these personal conflicts and mental problems, and no one knows why. maybe its something simple, something stupid. maybe we ought to be breaking things. maybe we ought to destroy something.
i like these things. i ought to work more on them more often.
i am beginning to obsess over P vs NP. i think about it as i fall asleep. im not intelligent, merely knowledgeable. it concerns me because its further from physics than i have strayed in a long time. i think im still more interested in quantum computing, but i dont know, computing in general is becoming a very interesting subject, undoubtedly something i would need a good grasp of if researching quantum computing specifically, but dammit im rambling. ill figure it out, no worries.
watching the world rotate.
my mom asked if i believed in love, and i changed the subject. its not that i dont believe in love, i just dont believe in it the way she means. do i believe that animals evolved in such a way that intelligence eventually became a more valuable trait then physical adaptation? yes. its the difference between a machine physically built to complete a given task, and a computer programmed to complete a task. the latter can be adapted to do other things. do i think that the necessity of 'programming' these more intelligent creatures necessitated increased time and concern for them? yes. children need a lot of guidance and parenting (programming) to know how to eat, behave, cooperate, build, survive. do i believe that this increased importance of training their young leads to an importance on the parents ability to stay together, and care for their young? yes. it seems clear that society is integral to human survival. do i think that all of these evolutionary consequences could be grouped together and called love? pretty much. i know that that kills the idea. girls dont want you to ask if you can kiss them, they want to be kissed. but thats not love, thats romance. thats knowing what to do and doing it. its being natural, and if theres one thing i dont 'feel', its natural. by the way, i use the word 'believe' in the sense that these events, such as evolution and the causes and effects involved in these events, they seem reasonable to me. i accept them as plausible.
so what do i think about love? i think that people can care for each other, and enjoy one anothers company, mentally or physically, (or maybe some other way i havent thought about?), and i think thats all that matters. and if you want i will call that love. i dont think anything else is needed for these concepts.
the reason my mom asked was because i told her i was a strict physicalist, and that i believe all the mental is merely an illusion resulting from the physical reality underneath it. but i dont mean to imply by 'illusion' that mental reality isnt 'real'. im here, i dont want to die. im having fun, mostly. i enjoy life, regardless of what i believe (read: find plausible) the underlying causes of my consciousness (for that matter, my existence) are. whether you are a physicalist, a dualist or a spiritualist, the results are the same: we are alive, we are in these bodies for a relatively brief period of time, there is nothing we can do to change those facts; we ought to try to enjoy it.
i should start including disclaimers on everything i write. ill need to consult my council first...
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