"we have a pretty sophisticated idea of why we have no idea." -Scott Aaronson
wordache. girlache. friendache. happyache. sadache = ache? mathache? drugache. skyache. dreamache? this might be interesting. workache? could be useful. most of these suck really, i just cant admit it. butterache. fruitache. songache.
"yours truly, angry mob." she told me. she said she didnt catch the band name. turns out that is an up coming album by kaiser chiefs.
so anthropic computing: guess a solution and test it. if your guess is not a solution, then kill yourself (this is assuming the everett many worlds hypothesis is true; also, do not apply it to any problem which may have no solutions).
high tech math; serious errors; do more preliminary thinking.
the funny thing about not knowing something is that, you dont know it. you dont get to know you dont know it. until someone tells you what you dont know, or you discover it for yourself, at which point, you no longer dont know it.
maybe this should be written, the unfortunate thing about not knowing something... etc. what if i am so naive with respect to something that i am clueless as to how clueless i am? contrary to Scott's claim, what if i have no idea why i have no idea? what if i have no idea that i even have no idea? in the dark about being in the dark? too much introspection. too much self-reference. too much too much, you took too much.
in science we attempt to take the least assumptive position available. this does not work well when interacting with people.
massive amounts of no fun.
dont avoid what is easy.
they emergeed from within it.
when you speak, they listen.
i respond well to honesty.
we both reach the same conclusions.
thats me.
hide with me under the covers.
im looking for a place to get lost.
i think my body was built for eating butter. (although my parents might claim otherwise)
people tell me sometimes, i ought to do something productive, or constructive. and suddenly i call that into question. the world produces awfully efficiently. maybe i should do something counterproductive. i dont particularly like the direction in which the world is producing, so counterproductive seems like a good fit.
so do this: take your monitor and put something white on it. like a big empty text document. then look at the reflection of the white part off the surface of a carbonated beverage, such as coke. when the bubbles pop, the rings blink by! it looks excellent. and i should go to bed. these are the things i enjoy.
but first, remember this: in the classical restraunt, you can order salad or steak. in the quantum restraunt, you can order steak, salad, or something that is mixed, with some probability of becoming salad when you eat, and some complimentary probability of becoming steak when you eat.
hey, also, with respect to the utility of things that we do, some are purely for happiness. painting a picture, reading a book, listening to an album or watching a movie. shouldnt all things we do be reducible to increasing happiness? shouldnt we only work with the goal of increasing our happiness somehow? if you would be happier in a shitty ten hour a week job, and sacrificing the things that require money, should you do it? thats about where i am at the moment. maybe im just justifying things. that and my world is a little screwy, i cant be a pirate for ever.
today, of the problem set, Dave said, "this wasnt any fun at all." so i said, "not even in retrospect?". then Matt said he works best in the a.m., so i said, thats the a.m. that follows the p.m., not the one that precedes it. you gotta specify.
ampersand ampersand ampersand ampersand.
unless unless unless.
perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps perhaps.
i need to remember to tell Matt and Everett about my straight line joke (im gonna fight the circle guy).
2/04/2007
it was needed to give life to things.
today we only whisper.
tomorrow we only scream.
i dont want anything to ever be okay ever again.
add ache to various words.
lately ive felt like i must look paranoid. as if im always looking around at everyone as if they are suspicious. im not sure if other people see me that way, or if thats just how i think i look. also, when i checked the phone for change on my way into my apartment the other day, i felt as if i appeared very obsessive-compulsive, since i do that every time i come in. but i really do it every time because i intentionally made it a habit to do that every time. also, a while back i learned that people get addicted to hot salsa through a similar mechanism as people who are addicted to cocaine, sex, or maybe even exercising; it had something to do with endorphines, which more correctly are endomorphines, or endogenous opiates. regardless, i conciously made the decision to increase my tolerance for spicy foods, and now, five months later i eat only hot salsa and the 'extra hot' sausage from hannafords. now my question is, can you intentionally make yourself addicted to something? having set out the goal of becoming addicted and tolerant to spicy foods, does it still qualify as an addiction? i suppose one thing to try is to quit eating these foods, switch back to mild or something, and see if i crave the hotter ones. i suppose that is what i will try, and we will find out. somehow i cant imagine it being all that physically addictive. if it isnt, ill try meth-amphetamines to see if those will work.
The amino acid residue sequence (primary structure) of β-endorphin is: Tyr-Gly-Gly-Phe-Met-Thr-Ser-Glu-Lys-Ser-Gln-Thr-Pro-Leu-Val-Thr-Leu-Phe-Lys-Asn-Ala-Ile-Ile-Lys-Asn-Ala-Tyr-Lys-Lys-Gly-GluOH (Fries, 2002).
i know youre only a dream. but i dont care. its nice to see you. even if youre just a dream.
yesterday it began snowing on my walk home.
people like the way i think.
pick a word, and then make a list.
concerns: good question... girls? jobs? im not sure really... money? not really any of these so much.
abilities: analytical, observant, smart, stupid, scientifically and technologically adept.
interests: shit... i need a fucking hobby. other than spinning my car around repeatedly after fresh snow, (which was great last night).
goals: teach other people the novel aspects of life that i have stumbled on; specifically computer science and physics, since those are definitely of broad value, as opposed to personal experiences and lessons.
loathing: traditions? beliefs? religion? people? no, not people. but something about people in general...
okay, so the boy was told he has certain deficits that he will never overcome.
i was told i had no limitations, on anything, ever.
i dont think either method was right in raising a child.
if i ever have kids, i want them to know that they are capable of just about anything. and if they come to something they seem to be lacking, they can work on it, and at least make it better to some degree. maybe they cant become the most sociable person on earth, but they can meet people and get to know them and have healthy relationships with them none-the-less.
"you know, i, i uh, i alphabetize insurance forms 60 hours a week and i was noticing i have a hard time concentrating so they put me on this new medication and i can focus real well. --- YOU SHOULDNT CHANGE THAT, no you shouldnt want to alphabetize insurance forms, that was a good thing that you had not concentrating on that. " –Doug Stanhope
start looking for the emotions behind the statements.
i need to start. start looking for the emotions behind the statements.
for a moment the whole world looks very beautiful. with the lights on the trees under a few inches of snow, and a few inches of bright white snow balanced carefully on every branch. huge flakes falling gently to the ground; to my tongue.
kevin and i built a snowman of magnificent proportions.
i want to talk to stefan and other people about such things as the attitude we take towards personal accomplishments versus work-oriented accomplishments, like i talked with tom the one night. i think those ideas were important.
aggression for the sake of aggression. recklessness for the sake of recklessness.
experts cant converse with novices; its more like a lecture or a lesson.
unconcerned does not equal indecisiveness.
if i seem not to know where im going,
it is because i am not too concerned with where i end up.
years ago, lindsey mentioned romance to me. which prompted me to determine what exactly romance is. after much consideration, the definition i came to was "love expressed". at the time that seemed satisfactory, but now i see that although 'expressed' is well defined, 'love' is not. so now to define love more clearly. in the context of emotions, love is obviously a very powerful emotion. as with all emotions, it is a short cut to reason. as an unreasonably reasonable person, it seems unlikely that i am fully capable of experiencing love. although i guess thats probably not the case. dammit. it could go either way really. once again reason has muddled things up, and i have to just drop the whole idea.
sweet precision.
the way i have cut my hair most recently may look somewhat more typical than normal, but that is okay with me, because i have something others do not! greesyness. yes, due to my socially unacceptably low rate of showering, my hair is in a perpetually dirty state. too many words that end in 'y' in that sentence.
theyre appealing to quiet desperation.
this is an interesting quote, by a child between four and eight years old: "my mommy loves me more than anybody. you dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." i find it interesting because my immediate interpretation of 'mommy loves me more than anybody' is that the child believes he/she is the most loved noun in the mother's world. but then the second sentence implies that the mother is simply the noun from which the child receives the most love from in their [the child's] world.
theres nothing to fix about me because theres nothing wrong with anything i do. and if someone else thinks its wrong, ill be willing to listen to your argument, but you better listen to mine too. most people have ideas of what are right and wrong that are not based on first principles or firsthand experience, but rather on information passed on to them by others.
what are my concerns?
do we actually know for certain that antimatter has normal mass? i highly doubt that anyone has checked its gravitational mass, as i think that would be very difficult to do. but perhaps theyve verified its inertial mass, and its been assumed the two must be that intimate. which gives me an interesting idea... say you did find a type of mass that was repulsive instead of attractive, (gravitationally); would you expect its intertial mass to be 'flipped' as well? would you expect it to behave opposite to centripetal forces? move to the inside of the curve when you sped around a corner? it seems unlikely to even conceive of. perhaps there is some insight in all that thinking that might reveal why there is no 'repulsive mass'.
"are you to be trusted?" "--of course not."
have paper and pencil by your side because there are going to be gaps; details you are going to have to fill out. you are going to have to figure out. and the gap between them would be the remainder.
empty tuple
so i figured out last night that parametrically defined fourier series will work if i want to construct my name with a single (relatively) simple equation: if you scroll down past all the intimdating but not too bad mathematics, there is a graph of a box, made from the X[t_] and Y[t_] equations. the next step is to extend it to my entire name!
goodnight for now.
tomorrow we only scream.
i dont want anything to ever be okay ever again.
add ache to various words.
lately ive felt like i must look paranoid. as if im always looking around at everyone as if they are suspicious. im not sure if other people see me that way, or if thats just how i think i look. also, when i checked the phone for change on my way into my apartment the other day, i felt as if i appeared very obsessive-compulsive, since i do that every time i come in. but i really do it every time because i intentionally made it a habit to do that every time. also, a while back i learned that people get addicted to hot salsa through a similar mechanism as people who are addicted to cocaine, sex, or maybe even exercising; it had something to do with endorphines, which more correctly are endomorphines, or endogenous opiates. regardless, i conciously made the decision to increase my tolerance for spicy foods, and now, five months later i eat only hot salsa and the 'extra hot' sausage from hannafords. now my question is, can you intentionally make yourself addicted to something? having set out the goal of becoming addicted and tolerant to spicy foods, does it still qualify as an addiction? i suppose one thing to try is to quit eating these foods, switch back to mild or something, and see if i crave the hotter ones. i suppose that is what i will try, and we will find out. somehow i cant imagine it being all that physically addictive. if it isnt, ill try meth-amphetamines to see if those will work.
The amino acid residue sequence (primary structure) of β-endorphin is: Tyr-Gly-Gly-Phe-Met-Thr-Ser-Glu-Lys-Ser-Gln-Thr-Pro-Leu-Val-Thr-Leu-Phe-Lys-Asn-Ala-Ile-Ile-Lys-Asn-Ala-Tyr-Lys-Lys-Gly-GluOH (Fries, 2002).
i know youre only a dream. but i dont care. its nice to see you. even if youre just a dream.
yesterday it began snowing on my walk home.
people like the way i think.
pick a word, and then make a list.
concerns: good question... girls? jobs? im not sure really... money? not really any of these so much.
abilities: analytical, observant, smart, stupid, scientifically and technologically adept.
interests: shit... i need a fucking hobby. other than spinning my car around repeatedly after fresh snow, (which was great last night).
goals: teach other people the novel aspects of life that i have stumbled on; specifically computer science and physics, since those are definitely of broad value, as opposed to personal experiences and lessons.
loathing: traditions? beliefs? religion? people? no, not people. but something about people in general...
okay, so the boy was told he has certain deficits that he will never overcome.
i was told i had no limitations, on anything, ever.
i dont think either method was right in raising a child.
if i ever have kids, i want them to know that they are capable of just about anything. and if they come to something they seem to be lacking, they can work on it, and at least make it better to some degree. maybe they cant become the most sociable person on earth, but they can meet people and get to know them and have healthy relationships with them none-the-less.
"you know, i, i uh, i alphabetize insurance forms 60 hours a week and i was noticing i have a hard time concentrating so they put me on this new medication and i can focus real well. --- YOU SHOULDNT CHANGE THAT, no you shouldnt want to alphabetize insurance forms, that was a good thing that you had not concentrating on that. " –Doug Stanhope
start looking for the emotions behind the statements.
i need to start. start looking for the emotions behind the statements.
for a moment the whole world looks very beautiful. with the lights on the trees under a few inches of snow, and a few inches of bright white snow balanced carefully on every branch. huge flakes falling gently to the ground; to my tongue.
kevin and i built a snowman of magnificent proportions.
i want to talk to stefan and other people about such things as the attitude we take towards personal accomplishments versus work-oriented accomplishments, like i talked with tom the one night. i think those ideas were important.
aggression for the sake of aggression. recklessness for the sake of recklessness.
experts cant converse with novices; its more like a lecture or a lesson.
unconcerned does not equal indecisiveness.
if i seem not to know where im going,
it is because i am not too concerned with where i end up.
years ago, lindsey mentioned romance to me. which prompted me to determine what exactly romance is. after much consideration, the definition i came to was "love expressed". at the time that seemed satisfactory, but now i see that although 'expressed' is well defined, 'love' is not. so now to define love more clearly. in the context of emotions, love is obviously a very powerful emotion. as with all emotions, it is a short cut to reason. as an unreasonably reasonable person, it seems unlikely that i am fully capable of experiencing love. although i guess thats probably not the case. dammit. it could go either way really. once again reason has muddled things up, and i have to just drop the whole idea.
sweet precision.
the way i have cut my hair most recently may look somewhat more typical than normal, but that is okay with me, because i have something others do not! greesyness. yes, due to my socially unacceptably low rate of showering, my hair is in a perpetually dirty state. too many words that end in 'y' in that sentence.
theyre appealing to quiet desperation.
this is an interesting quote, by a child between four and eight years old: "my mommy loves me more than anybody. you dont see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." i find it interesting because my immediate interpretation of 'mommy loves me more than anybody' is that the child believes he/she is the most loved noun in the mother's world. but then the second sentence implies that the mother is simply the noun from which the child receives the most love from in their [the child's] world.
theres nothing to fix about me because theres nothing wrong with anything i do. and if someone else thinks its wrong, ill be willing to listen to your argument, but you better listen to mine too. most people have ideas of what are right and wrong that are not based on first principles or firsthand experience, but rather on information passed on to them by others.
what are my concerns?
do we actually know for certain that antimatter has normal mass? i highly doubt that anyone has checked its gravitational mass, as i think that would be very difficult to do. but perhaps theyve verified its inertial mass, and its been assumed the two must be that intimate. which gives me an interesting idea... say you did find a type of mass that was repulsive instead of attractive, (gravitationally); would you expect its intertial mass to be 'flipped' as well? would you expect it to behave opposite to centripetal forces? move to the inside of the curve when you sped around a corner? it seems unlikely to even conceive of. perhaps there is some insight in all that thinking that might reveal why there is no 'repulsive mass'.
"are you to be trusted?" "--of course not."
have paper and pencil by your side because there are going to be gaps; details you are going to have to fill out. you are going to have to figure out. and the gap between them would be the remainder.
empty tuple
so i figured out last night that parametrically defined fourier series will work if i want to construct my name with a single (relatively) simple equation: if you scroll down past all the intimdating but not too bad mathematics, there is a graph of a box, made from the X[t_] and Y[t_] equations. the next step is to extend it to my entire name!
goodnight for now.
2/02/2007
i know you are only a dream, but i dont care. its nice to see you . even if you are just a dream.
i want to whisper more often.
"some users may not remember this part of the experience after regaining consciousness, in the same way that a person may forget a dream. the 're-integration' process is slow, and the user gradually becomes aware of surroundings. at first, users may not remember their own names, or even know that they are human, or what that means. movement is extremely difficult, and a user may not be aware that he or she has a body at all."
i would think it would be better to rate things in terms of how strongly they manifest themselves, rather than as a yes or no boolean-typed function. in that respect, i would estimate i have little depressive tendency, since my downs tend to be centered around an embarrassment for humanity, rather than a personal low feeling, i think. and another thing, i think when i get very depressed about the state of the world, i get slightly encouraged to try to change it. even though it seems completely hopeless, i start to feel that it is my responsibility, as someone who sees these wrongs to try to right them. even though i have done very little in the way of righting wrongs. i think of Bertrand Russell's motivation, "[t]hree passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair."
it has been called by Nigel Nicolson, Vita Sackville-West's son, "the longest and most charming love letter in literature."
a message incoherent.
a message coherent.
my enemies, they watch me from a distance.
shhhh! dont tell anyone.
i become overwhelmed.
the intimacy of the situation
nobody gets to come
lets stop selling violence and start selling sex.
sometimes your voice is not enough
i want to scream more often. at all.
its just not possible.
throw away your money.
give away your love.
been thoroughly condemned by the whole society.
you would be fantastic.
if i spoke every time i saw something beautiful i would be out of breath.
she always left late because she couldnt stand to miss the end. now she always leaves early; she cant stand to hear the goodbyes. this is human and i am not.
this is the drug that lets me dream in my sleep.
speak your mind, dont back down.
id love to fail, but i cant do it intentionally, and it just isnt likely to happen otherwise.
i am addicted to uncomfortable moments.
"wait wait wait, lets try and be scientific about this; one marshmellow at a time." -Dave
you know it doesnt really matter. there arent any rules about that stuff. and even the rules that there are about stuff, those were just made up anyway. the only rules that matter are the ones that you personally believe are good, and the ones that you happen to be breaking when you get caught. there is no real reason to break the first kind, unless you have some serious control problems over yourself. and the second kind, well, dont be too ashamed about breaking them, you dont believe in them anyway. and if you happen to do prison time for them, well, that sucks, but try not to feel down. it is a terrible thing to say you believe in a rule that you do not actually believe in, and to defend it; there is no excuse for the deliberate conscious committing of hypocrisy; it is deception in every sense. although i suppose there could be excuses for deception: protection, safety, self preservation. probably more than i know.
how many people on earth actually understand there is really no such thing as 'good guys' and 'bad guys'; virtually everyone thinks theyre doing the right thing. very few people are amoral or immoral on any regular basis.
me = vacilando. if i were to state my general impression of the meaning of life, it would pretty much be that word. for clarification: i am not claiming the word to be literally applicable to me so much as figuratively. figure that out.
also, i think something i might have written might have seemed humanitarianish. so read this and this.
i want to scream all the time.
"some users may not remember this part of the experience after regaining consciousness, in the same way that a person may forget a dream. the 're-integration' process is slow, and the user gradually becomes aware of surroundings. at first, users may not remember their own names, or even know that they are human, or what that means. movement is extremely difficult, and a user may not be aware that he or she has a body at all."
i would think it would be better to rate things in terms of how strongly they manifest themselves, rather than as a yes or no boolean-typed function. in that respect, i would estimate i have little depressive tendency, since my downs tend to be centered around an embarrassment for humanity, rather than a personal low feeling, i think. and another thing, i think when i get very depressed about the state of the world, i get slightly encouraged to try to change it. even though it seems completely hopeless, i start to feel that it is my responsibility, as someone who sees these wrongs to try to right them. even though i have done very little in the way of righting wrongs. i think of Bertrand Russell's motivation, "[t]hree passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair."
it has been called by Nigel Nicolson, Vita Sackville-West's son, "the longest and most charming love letter in literature."
a message incoherent.
a message coherent.
my enemies, they watch me from a distance.
shhhh! dont tell anyone.
i become overwhelmed.
the intimacy of the situation
nobody gets to come
lets stop selling violence and start selling sex.
sometimes your voice is not enough
i want to scream more often. at all.
its just not possible.
throw away your money.
give away your love.
been thoroughly condemned by the whole society.
you would be fantastic.
if i spoke every time i saw something beautiful i would be out of breath.
she always left late because she couldnt stand to miss the end. now she always leaves early; she cant stand to hear the goodbyes. this is human and i am not.
this is the drug that lets me dream in my sleep.
speak your mind, dont back down.
id love to fail, but i cant do it intentionally, and it just isnt likely to happen otherwise.
i am addicted to uncomfortable moments.
"wait wait wait, lets try and be scientific about this; one marshmellow at a time." -Dave
you know it doesnt really matter. there arent any rules about that stuff. and even the rules that there are about stuff, those were just made up anyway. the only rules that matter are the ones that you personally believe are good, and the ones that you happen to be breaking when you get caught. there is no real reason to break the first kind, unless you have some serious control problems over yourself. and the second kind, well, dont be too ashamed about breaking them, you dont believe in them anyway. and if you happen to do prison time for them, well, that sucks, but try not to feel down. it is a terrible thing to say you believe in a rule that you do not actually believe in, and to defend it; there is no excuse for the deliberate conscious committing of hypocrisy; it is deception in every sense. although i suppose there could be excuses for deception: protection, safety, self preservation. probably more than i know.
how many people on earth actually understand there is really no such thing as 'good guys' and 'bad guys'; virtually everyone thinks theyre doing the right thing. very few people are amoral or immoral on any regular basis.
me = vacilando. if i were to state my general impression of the meaning of life, it would pretty much be that word. for clarification: i am not claiming the word to be literally applicable to me so much as figuratively. figure that out.
also, i think something i might have written might have seemed humanitarianish. so read this and this.
i want to scream all the time.
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