in-fatuous

7·3·08
oh yeah, well fuck you humpty dumpty!
and your little dog too.

"war is gods way of teaching the americans geography"

6h minutes?

to captain bender, hes the best... at being a big jerk whos stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt.

this is awesome:
Shortly after its release, PGP encryption found its way outside the United States, and in February 1993 Zimmermann became the formal target of a criminal investigation by the US Government for "munitions export without a license". Cryptosystems using keys larger than 40 bits were then considered munitions within the definition of the US export regulations; PGP has never used keys smaller than 128 bits so it qualified at that time. Penalties for violation, if found guilty, were substantial. After several years, the investigation of Zimmermann was closed without filing criminal charges against him or anyone else.
Zimmermann challenged these regulations in a curious way. He published the entire source code of PGP in a hardback book[6], via MIT Press, which was distributed and sold widely. Anybody wishing to build their own copy of PGP could buy the $60 book, cut off the covers, separate the pages, and scan them using an OCR program, creating a set of source code text files. One could then build the application using the freely available GNU C Compiler. PGP would thus be available anywhere in the world. The claimed principle was simple: export of munitions—guns, bombs, planes, and software—was (and remains) restricted; but the export of books is protected by the First Amendment. The question was never tested in court in respect to PGP, but had been established by the Supreme Court in the Bernstein case.

this is a funny name for a special purpose cryptography attack machine
Deep Crack was designed by Cryptography Research, Inc.; Advanced Wireless Technologies and the EFF. The principal designer was Paul Kocher, president of Cryptography Research. Advanced Wireless Technologies built 1856 custom ASIC DES chips (called Deep Crack or AWT-4500), housed on 29 circuit boards of 64 chips each. The boards are then fitted in six cabinets. The search is coordinated by a single PC which assigns ranges of keys to the chips. The entire machine was capable of testing over 90 billion keys per second. It would take about 9 days to test every possible key at that rate. On average, the correct key would be found in half that time.

the angels in our palms
sing gentle worried songs
and the sweetness of our dreams
like mountains made of steam

i dont need anything to remind me
i need the opposite

"Pronouncements of lynch mobsters notwithstanding, I wouldn't have wanted my rapist put out of his own misery and into mine. I started life without blood on my hands and I aim to keep it that way. Had the man who raped me on numerous occasions not died in prison while serving his third term for sexually abusing very young boys, I might have gone to see him. My personal revenge would have been to show him that I did not become what I resisted, that I hadn't grown into a cruel and heartless man. I would have told him that he inflicted a burden upon me that almost killed me, and not just when I was nearly asphyxiated during his savage assaults. I'd have told him of the encumbrance I dragged along with me for decades that, through hard work, I had managed to lighten. In short, I would tell him that although he inflicted a lot of pain upon me, he had not succeeded in ruining me. Then I would tell him that I was sorry that he had such a miserable and wasted life. Finally, I would ask him why he thought he had ended up doing the things he did. Maybe I would have discovered some context for the man, even if I had to sort it out of the manipulative lies for which pedophiles are deservedly notorious.
I couldn't do any of this because by the time I figured out who had raped me, he was dead. The news of his demise did not cheer me. I just thought of the end of his awful life in a cruddy jail cell and wondered what led to such a waste. At least I didn't miss my chance to confront him because he had been killed in my name."
'call me lucky'

7·4·08
sweet surrender be true.

7·5·08
little holes in the floor of heaven.

7·6·08
deal me in.

i disagree. i think there is something greater. and i found it through you.

7·7·08
i really like the flags of hong kong and greenland

in-fatuous

its all i think about.
doesnt know what to do.

reading the wikipedia article 'criticism of walmart', i get the impression that it is far less critical than i would have expected. maybe this is due to previous embellishment of the direness of the situation, or maybe it is due to something more insidious. in either case, without examining walmart specifically, there is a more general trend often stated concerning the direction of our wages; that upper management wages have increased phenomenally, while positions such as retail have experienced little, (or possibly even none, or negative) growth, over the last three decades. if this statement can be confirmed it should be taken as quite damning for the retailer, as walmart is practically the largest employer in the country, 2nd only to the united states government.

and what happens next?

will i remember this? no.

look, the general rule is this: innovation, and creativity will always emerge from the youth of any generation. the youth simply have more free time, less bias, less responsibility, and more willingness to break the rules. likewise, they are much less likely to desire any compatibility with the status quo, and so they tend to fight it, and even destroy it. which is good. thats what we want. the status quo is the result of a series of old ideas.

nevertheless

what sets me apart
is lonely heart.

pure legend

if i ever get married, i dont want there to be a priest, or a justice of the peace, or anything. i just want it to be me and her, and maybe our close friends or something. we can exchange vows maybe, or whatever. and explain that we love each other, and want everyone weve invited to give us shit. or maybe instead that we want everyone we invited to share our celebration of commitment, or some crap like that. depends on what she thinks of these ideas.

the time it takes to get from here to there.

from what i understand, most people harbor regrets for things they have done. typically this is portrayed as some inebriated sexual or intoxicating choice (is there really a difference?), i.e., i shouldnt have done [blank] drug/person (in whatever way you might mean by 'done'). in any case, it seems to remain unfamiliar to me, the concept of doing something you regret; the only regrets i readily recall (which are arguably the only ones that matter), all pertain to inaction, rather than misappropriated action. i think this still vastly separates me from the average human, and its a sizable barrier, maybe. or maybe i just let it be.

i keep forgetting how smart i appear to be, that is, how smart i am relative to the people i meet. in general, nearly everyone i get to know well thinks i am top notch, and so i suppose that is the sort of confidence i should take in myself. on the contrary, i tend to default to a somewhat 'undeserving' position, probably because of my extremely laziness, my reluctance to categorize people in such a decisive way, and maybe even as a result of the leniency i receive in most every area of life, most likely due to the aforementioned widespread belief of exceptional intelligence.
do i sound conceded yet?
im not holding back so much.
yet it still feels guilt ridden.
is this some sort of cocoon phase?
will i emerge a butterfly?
doubtful.
why i cannot simply abandon; cut and run; move on: remains to be seen.
and it drives me bonkers.
my spell checker doesnt like bonkers.
nor does it like contractions without apostrophes, which i forcefully submit with reckless abandon.

even now, to this moment, im not sure anyone, including me, fully understands the extent of my internalization. when people disagree with me about symptoms of autism, they fail to realize how severe this really is. how many people have seen me express emotions over what they might have suspected would be emotional events? how many people have specifically observed my interactions with new individuals? how many people have been inside my head, ever? a lot fewer than i previously suspected; most likely zero; most likely none of those who might argue the point.

there is a drug that lets me dream in my sleep. strange isnt it? i dont even believe dreams carry significance. i place no more value in dreams than i do in ancient mythology. and yet the process, or more specifically, the memory of the process (no matter how vague), is most enjoyable, relative to the complete absence of recollection.

he breaks the cardinal rule of science (in my opinion): never say you know, what you know you dont. he also breaks the cardinal rule of engineering: never make it more complicated than you understand it has to be. notice, you might not understand it could be simpler, but it should be as simple as you think it can be.

7·10·08
life happens in spite of you. its a marvelous thing.
would you stay with me?

im was supposed to call this girl lai-yan who stopped corey and i several weeks ago to ask if we wanted to go to a bible discussion group that meets at MIT on thursdays at 7, and i was supposed to ask her how to meet her there. but its not so much so i can discuss the bible as it is so that i can unconvince the believers. i hope to save all those people who the saved are bound to harm. plus ill get to hang out at MIT. im hoping ill find a young impressionable girl whom i find very attractive and is not yet chronically infected with religion. if even one person just lessens their belief, maybe if i can raise enough doubt to change one die-hard jesus nut into someone who will less forcefully shove that shit into their offsprings head, then my time will have been well spent.

wont you, pick me up?

i wait, in 4-4 time.

its so weird that people can take the eucharist so seriously... if you were to ask them why it is so special, they would be forced to admit it is church doctrine, or the priest, that makes the cracker special. obviously the cracker has no indisputably special qualities; it wont cure illness or let you levitate or whatever, so theyd have to say it was the priest who blessed it (or whatever), or the church doctrine that declares it to be the body of christ. then id have to ask, why believe what they say about this cracker? you dont believe the homeless guy who talks to god, why some guy in a fancy church in europe?
i wonder if i could just show up at catholic mass and get a cracker to steal myself. if i can, i would love to desecrate it on videotape, hold it hostage and see if they would pay me for its safe return!
maybe i could starve myself for days, then consume the cracker (christ!) and poop it out, and explain that i turned christ into poop!

the rest belongs to you.
why, when you know you should go, is it so hard to leave?

i am excited
how awesome would that be if we could scientifically classify religion as a neurological/psychiatric disorder!

id like to fall asleep, to the beat of you breathing.

i gotta get out of this place

because the lesser of two evils is still evil.
i flipped a coin yesterday. if it was heads, i flipped it again today. if it was tails, i didnt. what do you think the last coin i saw was (heads or tails)?

ha ha ha ha ha!
oh.


i have no whim.

'women are like parking spots. theyre whores and liars.'

mouthfuls.

its too bad, i cant have you.


7·11·08
id like to go to graduate schools to study phase transitions in a variety of systems including: fluid dynamic (laminar to turbulent), and computational complexity (such as the number partitioning problem, NPP, in average complexity).

i am a strict physicalist, so what do i think of conceptual existence, such as mathematical truths? i would have to say, they are purely conceptual, they exist in the symbols and patterns we use to record and convey them, but they do not exist beyond that. since they are derived directly from the physical existence we experience (and conceive and maybe imagine or fantasize about), they are in some sense independent of us. we can however conceive of a universe, in which, if we somehow found ourselves, we might imagine would lead to quite a different progression of mathematical study than we have experienced; if for instance large scale phenomena behaved probabilistically all the time, we probably would have developed statistical mathematics first, and only studied non-probabilisitic mathematics later on. (though, admittedly, it is hard to imagine the development of creatures complex enough to study mathematics in such a universe.) the laws of logic are very interesting, as they do often seem independent of the physical reality in which we are so comfortably accustomed. however, this is probably just a result of our comfort and less a true statement; for evidence of this, consider the 'square root not gate', one of the more comprehensible results of quantum theory. in binary logical operations we have the simple 'not gate', which takes a single input and 'inverts' it, (i.e., if the input reads true, the not gate outputs false, if the input reads the not gate outputs true). the square root not gate however takes an input value of true and outputs a true value with 50% probability, and a false value with 50% probability—for input false it does the same. what makes the square root not gate interesting is that if you link two in series, the system as a whole behaves as the traditional not gate. from the traditional logic point of view, we dont really know what to think (or at least i dont, and i have merely a cursory knowledge of any of this, so i might be the wrong guy to ask).

so STOP!

your voice makes me think of your mouth makes me think of your breath makes me think of your breasts.