this is not about ______

somethings so lovely.
but if i could, would i really want to?
these two people are fighting the good fight, raising questions that i hope more people will ask themselves.

i guess, looking back, i feel like i wasnt really there. like im not really here. i remember before, and it was magnificent. i even thought that at the time. ill remember that again in the future.

what is happening when you touch something? when you feel something? when something is painful or pleasant? its some chemical or electrical signal, or a combination of the two, right? why is it so hard to believe that such signals can malfunction? that we can feel pain when we ought not to? cant we extend this to all experience? what does it mean to view something as profound? or stupid? what physically happens when you read a revolutionary, or perceive a paradigm shift? its just a physical state, right? that sense of importance is just similar to previously important sense-induced situations? then why not believe that can malfunction as well? why not even believe that it is simply our brains interpretation of these electro-chemical signals which determines how we perceive the world? 'well then whats the point of living?' many people might ask; the point? there is no point. but thats okay, im having a good time. math is neat, girls are fun, physics is interesting. the world can be quite interesting, and entertaining, if you find the right state to view it in. did i just luck out? maybe, who knows. no one, thats who.

my first introduction to physics theory was in middle school by my sunday school teacher. he told us about imaginary numbers and particle physics and the wave particle duality of light. and ive been hooked ever since. i think i had an odd pre(cant think of the word!?! conceived? no, determined? no, disposition? maybe?) notion of physics, by the fact that people like einstein were considered very highly intelligent, and associated with physics. that said something to my childhood brain. which is a little odd, because now i really dont like the concept of 'smart' and 'intelligent'. those ideas make me uncomfortable.

we threw a party and someone stole our house.

i bought 18 items at the 14 items or less line. thats just the kind of badass i am.
when prospective employers ask if i have a criminal record, im going to respond "more like record criminal!"

"On August 29, a 16 year old boy from Toledo, Ohio accidentally shot himself while playing Russian roulette. He died 2 days later in a local hospital." accidentally? does that make any sense?

i guess, looking back, i feel like i wasnt really there. like im not really here. i remember before, and it was magnificent. i even thought that at the time. ill remember that again in the future.

what if we modeled mass as being 'spread out over infinity', instead of a point particle? that the distribution of the mass of a particle were say 1/r around the proton, or neutron or whatever. so at very close scales it was a lot, but at any reasonably large scale it becomes very very small. how would that effect the motion of galaxies? and the dark matter requirements?
maybe itd make more sense to ask about making the 1/r be somehow related to the mass m.

"its a well known fact that, mexicans are not buoyant. they sink like rocks." --- "yeah, but mexicans are very good at catapult engineering."

i think i know why i dont sleep so well, sort of. when i went to sleep last night i was a little worried id sleep in, because i knew i was sleep deprived already, and that i was going to sleep too late to catch up, i knew i was just going to be further behind. i didnt want to sleep in because im supposed to go get make the set up for the university physics III lab today. so i woke up at 958, which is exactly two minutes before my alarm would normally go off. except when i looked at my clock i remembered that it was set for 1015. so i went back to sleep, and then at 1013 i did the same thing. a panicked-sort-of quickly waking up, looking at the clock, and then thinking, what?? stupid brain.

as a kid, i remember occasionally falling so deeply asleep that it felt like i woke up moments after going to sleep. i remember that every christmas i wanted that to happen, but it never did i dont think. i feel like that sort of sleeping hasnt happened to me since elementary school. although after drinking a whole lot it sort of happens.

in some ways, this 'blog' is sort of like getting inside my head. but only slightly, because most of the things in my head come and go before i get a chance to write them down. these things must be a small portion of the things that actually happen.

3:22 into "first breath after coma"
6:31 into "the only moment we were alone"

we are always trying to one-up ourselves in business; shocking news, new and revolutionary, the story you wont believe. and sensationalism is not restricted to news... lets try to one up ourselves with in happiness. lets be the happiest mother fuckers the planet has ever known.

i think one of the most challenging things that professional baseball players do is sign spherical objects.

as an atheist, i cannot even conceive of a deity with any traits in common to those ideas of formal religions. is it really true that theists cannot conceive of my view either?

shes an IDE

im still not sure if the right and the wrong side is one.

when i worked as a general laborer for construction over the break, i had this idea to make a company that paid the shittiest job the most, and the nicer easier jobs less.
i also had an idea to automate a company to such a high degree that as the single employee i could quit. i think both of these sorts of radical departures from the normal business model/american dream of getting rich might help push the world in the direction i want to see it go in.

in the spring time, girls fall in love with me; its true, the secretary knew my address. she told me she liked watching me sleep. this other women, in the cafeteria (now you know im lying) told me
oops, i never finished that sentence.

computers will inherit the earth.

things id like to see in my lifetime: humankind abandon the notion of 'life is precious' because some old book told them so. humankind abandons organized/popular/ancient religion completely. or even better: humankind abandons all but deist beliefs. thatd be a great stage to get to. governments are important because they protect me. (from who?) "money is important because i need it to survive" – happiness, interest, passion, excitement, are needed to survive; money is incidental. "that the important things in life can be placed on a list" – the important things in life are personal to you.

what is it that you most want in this world? i think less people can answer that question than those who cannot.


other parts of his body were dying as well.

youll help me die better. wont be the first time, wont be the last. he missed the other mans heart. he aimed for it. it was inches away, and he missed.

how many lives do we live? how many times do we die?

no one loses twenty one grams. no one. the law of the conservation of mass, and ultimately energy, ensures that when we die, we dont get to take twenty one grams with us.

i just watched 21 grams, and holy shit, benicio del toro's character leads such a sad life. also, i know this will sound really weird... naomi watts has the largest squarest nipples ive ever seen. even when she is pretending to be asleep. wow, constantly. every scene you can see them, theyre rock solid and enormous. weird. its starting to become a turnoff. we ought to be naked more often.

highlight the absurdities.

have you ever heard something very sad and gasped for air, done that sort of chuckle-exhale bit? have you ever practiced suppressing it?

why is it that i can become so sad, even due to fictional stories, minor tragedies even; why is it that it makes me want to cry, when i so clearly see the meaninglessness of life? when i feel so confidently, that there is no point? how can i be sad about a story that i feel so strongly does not matter? i really want to answer these questions. i want to know why this is. i think it might be somewhat due to a sadness that it does not matter. does that make any sense? that i am sad that these tragedies are meaningless? that they are utterly pointless? that seems unlikely.

dont do anything i wouldnt do. and dont do anything i would do either. either way, definitely dont do anything you would do, that would most certainly result in trouble. on second thought, do what you would do, thatd be great. trouble is wonderful.

another thing id like to see happen in my lifetime: id like to see the general population realize that the world is made up primarily of them. that the 200 or so governments in existence only make up a small portion of the actual people, and that the majority of the people have very similar desires, goals, dreams, fears, failures, problems, issues, hopes, etc, as they do.

please dont lose your mind
to me, it seems that most of those who truly accomplish impressive things, did not set out to impress anyone, but more set out to accomplish things that made them happy.


okay, ive got some number theory ideas now: we define primes as numbers with exactly two positive integer divisors; we could similarly define some sort of 'prime squared' number as those with exactly three unique positive integer divisors. could we construct a number system in which all numbers were prime? or how about one in which there are limited primes? how about one in which the number of primes is equal to the number of composite numbers?
-also, we can construct a list of n numbers such that every number is composite, could we find a way to find the first such list? the list created with the method we were given is definitely not the first such list, (at least for the first several values of n).
-with respect to the factoring problem, see if there is a way to find factors of H by using knowledge of N; if you can find that relationship, maybe you could find a subset of R that contains Z that could be abused to factor in Z/N

concepts/opinions/ideas which i previously thought everyone had, i am now learning are often considered 'weird' or 'different' or 'unthought of', which is painful in some ways, because they seem so self evident. so sensible. so clearly apparent. the state of the world is saddening in light of the fact that we as a group control the state of the world.

Some tried to approach him. "Stay away, this thing will hurt someone," he warned.

you dont have to think of everything, you just have to think of everything someone else will think of, slightly before they think of it.

"That's it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying hallucinations."

do you think taoism could make a good pickup line? (to really well-read girls):
The Great Medicine of the Three Mountain Peaks is to be found in the body of the woman and is composed of three juices, or essences: one from the woman's mouth, another from her breasts, and the third, the most powerful, from the Grotto of the White Tiger, which is at the Peak of the Purple Mushroom (the mons veneris).
also, im gonna start using the phrase 'grotto of the white tiger' (peak of the purple mushroom sounds really obvious.)
not that i really need help picking up girls. im pretty sure just asking them out and being myself would probably work. but that is a solved problem, and therefore trivial. (the mathematician overcomes me!).

stay safe. or enjoy the festival.
try to educate my childish heart.
as they say in the espionage business, plausibility was good. real fakes.
its going to be that easy. we will be able to fool them all.
or he became mentally defective.

i just realized, with respect to the discussion of a technological singularity, it would be useful declare the most concretely understood upper bounds to things like information and information processing. the limits of energy utilization, and possibly other things. physics, computer science, information science, place very real restrictions on the capabilities of any entity in the universe.

what you knew when you were 18 is probably less than what you have learned since you were 18. which raises [another] interesting point in the discussion of the technological singularity idea: maybe instead of increasing for ever, we will be limited by our interests. we like to think that right now we have a good understanding of the universe, as if a significant portion of reality were understood, which is very similar to how adolescents view the world.... perhaps a super-intelligent human/computer entity would begin to see that the mystery extends much further, and that the continuously accelerating pace which we currently enjoy has only accounted for a speck of progress in knowledge. perhaps only a tiny bit of knowledge would be needed to realize that knowledge is no more capable of justifying our existence than any of the other mundane things we do. that our happiness should follow whichever direction it takes us, rather than a direction we think it should follow.

idee fix

i looked up hitler in the phone book, but found no entries. i suspect that no one has that name anymore, which would make sense. but its still kind of weird... i remember there was some controversy over whether or not he was influential, in relation to time' magazine's most influential people of the 20th century, i think. i dont feel like looking it up, im not sure if they named him that or just thought about it, but i remember the ensuing controversy.

unbearable despair.

im not really a big fan of thongs. i know thats a departure from the usual science/math/gibberish oriented drivel i write here, but i might as well state it: theres something more attractive about actual underwear than thongs (to me). i could go on, but for some reason i wont. let me know if youd like to further understand my opinions on female undergarments (hows that for a return to the technical wording?)


a sufficiently intelligent person can convince themselves of anything.

i guess, looking back, i feel like i wasnt really there. like im not really here. i remember before, and it was magnificent. i even thought that at the time. ill remember that again in the future.


anyone want to help me explore the grotto of the white tiger?