lovely

for the first time ever, i have a full time job. forty-plus hours a week, medical, dental, vacation time. and i want nothing more than to not have it. its not a bad job. i enjoy the work; i hate the hours. i miss being a bum, and its only been two days. wont anyone out there pay me to sit and ponder? or to solve math or physics problems? i suppose probably someone would, i just havent found them yet.

its 4:28, which implies that once again i have failed to get a good nights sleep. im not sure if i have had one of those in the last six years really. how did that happen? or why?

how is it that i can look at my academic knowledge for the last six years and see a steady increase in the quantity and quality of my comprehension, yet feel as if ive taken a step or two backward when it comes to my social knowledge? how is it that i can have so many things to say, and not say any of them?

never have i written so prolifically about something and kept it all so private. and never figured out how to speak it. it all builds up so much that i dont want to write about it anymore. but then i continue not being able to speak, and i return to writing it.

this behavior is stupid, i must stop it.