hold my peace

acceptable losses. spared the horror of survival. i never got around to it okay! there wouldnt be any time to be sorry.
go watch wargames, i really liked it.

im so sorry that i let you forget how special you are to me.

so i asked him his advice, and he responded, "geniusness"

stefan said, "thanks for calling"
is that a work habit stefan?

i took this test and my candidate came up as Mike Gravel, who, it turns out, fits me pretty well. and not just on political views, he has my sort of style about him too i think; he has been campaigning longer than anyone else, entirely in new hampshire, and i had only heard of him a few weeks ago! (awesome). he has, "zero net worth" he says. i agree that consumerism is out of control, but i dont think it will resolve itself by giving more money to people (though im not against giving more money to the lower and middle). i believe the rampant consumerism in america is not government driven, it is self perpetuated. people outspend their means because they lose sight of what they enjoy, or because they succumb to clever advertising, or because they are competing, or they misattribute their happiness to things instead of people, places, ideas and activities. the people making the ads dont tend to understand what they are doing anymore than the people falling for them. though i guess a lot more people just have the problem of not being able to quite make ends meet. that is absolutely terrible. we ought to be better than this.
suddenly i feel as if i could convincingly explain nearly any human action from good and evil standpoints. why do i always assume the good ones? i dont even like humans! i dont even believe in good or evil!

the notes i carry in my pocket, the ones with all the ideas and feelings i cant remember to express when ______. theyve become too numerous to tag along. the paper has worn through and soft as felt. some of the ink has faded and bled, along with the information it recorded.

i love when my jaw shudders when shivering

is exodus from misery equivalent to pursuit of happiness? i dont think so. though i havent been able to concentrate on it.

didnt you ever figure me out? i keep thinking about, "these shoes fit his personality perfectly."

complacency is the reason i must quit. maybe that factors into other people too?

shock the conscious
not yet dreamed of

oh, this one was good:
its not as simple as 'be yourself' because we all have dynamic personalities, adjusting for our surroundings. swears and parents are a good example, if, like me you grew up being told not to swear, but saw no fucking harm in it whatsoever.

idee fix

back when i used to be clever i made up the word 'polyseminal' as a mixture of the words polysemy and seminal, which is in fact polysemic itself.
i guess i dont want to share the personal one. sorry.
how funny would it be to see a guy carrying groceries mug someone.
i might be mad, but only because it seems to be what is demanded of me.
am i wearing safety glasses?

im tired of dating, lets elope.

this was a note a left to myself: you should buy 'happy you near', so the first instance of the word 'you' references me.

evolutionary benefit?
maybe if i wrote a paper on my views of consciousness, and suggested experiments, someone might listen?

"quick! everyone! out of the universe!"

all of my heros are dead.

i think being this alone is making me crazy again. that weird kind of crazy where you cant tell that what you are thinking and doing is just completely insane.

im downloading planet earth.

steven weinberg said, "The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy." though it took me a few reads to find it real funny.

might already be a winner

Mike Meyers said his dad told him that nothing is ever so bad that it cannot be laughed at.

i guess if i impare my brain enough then there is no way to be confident that i can remain sane.

it feels like something to be human.
'tis death to counterfeiters
hostile takeovers
it starts when we decide.

okay, i know we all are familiar with moore's law, but has anyone looked at the way that total terrestrial computing power has grown? and how about computing power per cubic meter of space? this would include only the space taken up by computers, actually, didnt moore make a statement about processor size too? maybe not.

ohh, and heres an interesting dilemma: your brain is a device which can comprehend the physical workings of emotions. to some degree, our brains can also influence those emotions. now, should the emotions really be able to influence our brains since our brains are aware of it? in fact, how is it that we can feel emotions so strongly when we are so aware of their superficiality? and their causal origins?

Jack Burton: Would you just stop rubbing your body up against mine, because I can't concentrate when you do that.

do you really enjoy knitting? my grandmother does. oh wait, no, she enjoys sewing. still though.

Egg Shen: It will come out no more!
Jack Burton: What? HUH? What will come out no more?
Egg Shen: ...
Jack Burton: Dammit!

how can one be sure that one has ones sanity?
i imagine a first indicator may be to observe whether those around you believe you to be sane or not, though it is unfortunate to judge something so important by consensus, (since consensus has no clear relation to truth).
this raises other interesting questions: what is sanity? is it dependent on the consensus? should we really value so much, concepts that are reliant on popular consensus? what is the relationship between consensus and truth?
is there any method we could use to ensure that our memory has not failed us?

self fullfilling prophecy = bane of my existence.

the first rule in science is you are not supposed to fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.

with respect to animals and language, i was thinking, it wouldnt be surprising if they were very heavily dependent on body language. right now my parents have a dog, loafer, who is a few years old, probably three or four, and he kind of acts like an old curmudgeon. they also have a puppy, four weeks old or something, very young.

dr zoidberg — a medical corporation

i guess what i enjoy is the way people discuss ideas, to try and understand the world. its interesting, it seems to me that if we all discussed our views extensively enough, we would eventually reach consensus; what is odd is that why would i want consensus? im perfectly okay with us all being different. it is beneficial in my view. i dont know what im talking about at all.

i want a world that lacks unnecessary secrets. i hate how people fight against things they do.

everyones a star

so the fundamental things i want to study are these:
time, space, energy, and information. and how these 'four' quantities interact. i put four in quotes because i believe these are all aspects of the same thing; time and space are intimately connected, and neither one really makes sense without the other. Seth Lloyd apparently says energy and information are ultimately the same thing, and i suspect that matter (which is energy) is just a form of spacetime. though i should shut up, since i have no real reason to believe this other than it wold really make the most sense.

i guess i have grown up, moved away. thats weird. i dont recall ever expecting to do that. i remember being a kid, and i knowing how thats what people did, was grow up and move away. but i dont recall ever thinking about doing that myself. now i have.

moral judgement versus moral behavior? there is a dichotomy of how one should act to preserve ones existence as an individual versus as a member of a social group. as a member of a social group ones survival is reliant on others.

at what point does one become rich or poor? at what point do a few grains of sand become a pile? at what point does the amount of mold make bread inedible? at what point does the shadow go from sharp to fuzzy?

that time, a long time ago, when i fainted a few times in a row, it was scary because it would happen without any indication or memory of it. i would simply wake up and learn that i had fainted again.

i just remembered being a little kid, and seeing parts of a movie that scared me, and asking my parents to 'tell me when its over'. i guess the same thing happened a while back when we played some movies that ryan and kristin and maybe someone else didnt want to watch? like meet the feebles or dead alive.

must study (or more so, understand): lagrangian mechanics, hamiltonian, hermitian


when i encounter something highly emotional (on tv really) like this story my parents are watching right now, about some kids who lost their father in a car accident, and then their mother in a jealous boyfriend incident, i have to kind of look away and tune it out, otherwise it really gets to me. it seems cold, or cruel, or something inhuman, out of touch.

they said on tv (it was a non expert, whatever that might mean), who said, sense of belonging was a basic human need. im not sure i have that, though maybe i do?

as with most questions, the answer is probably a mixture of the obvious proposed answers.

i want you to know how important you are to me.

this reminds me that i have never witnessed anything horrible.


your turning number?

technology enables even the inhabitants of desert islands to become socialites, while id rather be a hermit living in the center of a city.

thats a bit off track, what i mean is, its been a long time since ive put anything here. a lot has happened since i put anything here. and its all happened faster than ive realized. im not sure if i could speak outloud right now.

october first
this is the worst thing
you know, because of the lack of simultaneity, there is no such thing as 'the' present time, only 'your' present time. and i suppose that is one more flaw in the concepts of past and future too, since we tend to think of them as previous and inevitable (respectfully) states of the present.
"Her voice makes me think of her mouth makes me think of her breath makes me think of her breasts."

unplugged sleep

it seems to me that we may value truth above all else. since it is only through truth that we can take value in anything else.
nevermind, i disagree with that now.

what if gravity has yank, and acceleration is not constant?
thatd be difficult, it certainly seems to be a constant. itd have to be really quick to have yank.

is there any derivative we could take an infinite number of times that would approximate f=ma?

ive noticed that i start off a lot of explanations of information with a story about how i arrived at the information. and now im thinking that serves as a mnemonic tool for myself, but also probably serves as a mnemonic tool for whoever i am talking to. ill bet this makes me rather unique too, as it has grown out of a desire, (or more an understood necessity) to document my knowledge, so as to record my sources. also, reading about Zell Kravinsky makes me think there is such a thing as complete selflessness, it is born out of a very strong objectivity to matters like

im not full of candy.

so, im this guy, standing on this planet.
...i mean im a speck living on a speck, orbiting a speck. in the middle of specklessness.
but then i think, i have this brain...

-alphabet backwards.
zyxwvut srqponmlk jihgfedcba

it seems that many of our problems stem from the difficulties we often encounter when trying to mesh the continuous with the discrete.

not anyone knows at least anything about everything.
not anyone knows at least something about everything.

holy shit, i think i love bob ross.
someone ought to make a movie about him. either funny or real. either one would be cool.

we should have a jello stacking contest.
or better yet, a jello engineering contest.

suddenly, all three of these statements seem to go together:

wait, we can hide you! we'll pile fruit on you and call you a bowl.
i think i might be slightly schizophrenic.
awareness of my final descent into crazy was first revealed when i began to experience emotional feelings of affection for Bob Ross.

"and beautiful things will happen, auuuttomatically."
"maybe theres a big tree in our world"

-Bob Ross

have you ever taken off one shoe and sock without touching the shoe and sock on the other foot? its not all that bizarre, but i just did it probably for the first time ever.

im learning to hate people.
i dont need anyone to depend on me.
i dont need anyone to depend on.
everything is just a phrase to me.
first, abandon this idea of 'normal', it is only an ideal.

"because i think we all experience moments of despair."

are you wearing a poker face? am i wearing a poker face?

"I found your contact particulars"

"The day I made that statement, I was tired because I had been up all night inventing the Camcorder."
-Al Gore, Joking about reports that he had claimed to have invented the internet

i feel like i am too smart to get hurt. as if i am too smart to get in any awkwardness with work, or bosses, or anything really.
except then why does that still have that power over me?
"you people and your slight differences disgust me!"
i wonder, what exactly was the point of the conversation you were about to get into?
the turning number is the number of smiles minus the number of frowns.


did we miss the sunset?
i just found a bag of vintage, expires on may 5th, 06, jet-puffed marshmellows! what a way to start the day!
"in my head that sounded, not funnier, but... less annoying."

have you ever noticed that my language is a bit specific and abnormal sometimes?

or on the lighter side of okay.
the fitness test is just a hyperlink test! articles are the conceptual representation of things, and hyperlinks are their relations to other things.

As much as people pretend 'I fit in, I understand, I get the rules,' there are always times spent away from that where you go, 'I thought I knew. It seemed so clear to me, and then...' That sense of loneliness, or the sense of not fitting in or being out of depth, is probably the most common denominator.
-David Fincher

11·3·07 -- so yeah, i guess i can go nuts now and then too.

much like entropy, my room, our relationship, my longer term goals, tend towards disorder.

but it was so real, where did it come from?
my mind could never imagine such terrible things...
i cant sleep. im afraid the dream will come back.

learned helplessness

A seminal experiment by Martin Seligman and Steve Maier was done in two parts. In part one, there were three groups of dogs in harnesses. The Group One dogs were simply put in the harnesses for a period of time and later released. Groups two and three consisted of "yoked pairs." A dog in Group 2 would be given electric shocks, which the dog could end by pressing a lever. A Group 3 dog was wired in parallel with a Group 2 dog, receiving shocks of identical intensity and duration, but his lever didn't do anything. To a dog in Group 3, it seemed that the shock ended at random, because it was his paired dog in Group 2 that was causing it to stop. For Group 3 dogs the shock was apparently "inescapable." The Group 1 and Group 2 dogs quickly recovered from the experience, but the Group 3 dogs learned to be helpless, and exhibited symptoms similar to chronic clinical depression.

fundamental attribution error and actor-observer bias.

does this seem likely to explain my hesitance to act over such things as girls and work? though i would not say i was clinically depressed, ever in my lifetime.

i hear candidates talking about how they cannot take nuclear options off the table, and you cannot be seen as weak. how about compassionate? do we expect other countries to trust us when we are broadcasting our leaders as willing to commit mass murder (remember after all, their discussion of nuclear options means Weapsons of Mass Destruction options; nuclear weapons are unlikely to NOT have significant casualties, and their use, or even the assertion that they may be used (preemptively), implies murder and terror on a massive scale), and a COMPLETE lack of humanity.

if you were just a floating entity, through space, without any hope for death, what would consume your thoughts? would you go mad? how long would it last?

ive done everything wrong.
"wrinkled finger" is an entertaining phrase at the moment.

the spies among us.

far, far away,
where the sun goes to sleep.

"put a penny in the slot and count the swans through a telescope, i cant help from crying; i wish you were mine"
Fionn Regan has grown on me.

i guess you are afraid of
what everyone is made of

your skin is so fair
your skin so fair its not fair
you remind me

let us hope this works

how often is it that people actually know what bothers them?

there is something sad about just letting go of this.